in anaheim

i love motels. they are so cheap and sleazy. i am currently getting drunk on whiskey and coke in a motel next to disneyland. me and em are going to disneyland tomorrow for her birthday. i love going on vacation. we are going to disneyland and then we are going to see a friend of mine and just relax and hang out in lala land. no real plans except for disneyland. i'm glad to be out of the bay and in a different environment. i needed a change of scenery.

clumsy accountant....

so yeah, i was being really productive at work and doing our bookkeeping this morning. i also happened to be drinking some really good coffee. well, apparently i have tiny, baby hands that can't hold onto a cup. so as i was going to take a sip of my delicious coffee (which of course didn't have a lid), i spilled it all over my desk, the finance files i was working on and the floor. luckily, i didn't get it on either of the 2 computers i was working on.

now i have a refill.....with a lid. hopefully, my tiny, baby hands can hold onto it.

still....

smitten with my girl. i'm just sayin'.

4 more days.....

till i get two weeks off. i can't wait. i also get to go to disneyland and hang out in lala land for a week. also, we are getting massages and a spa day on friday morning. i can't wait. i haven't had a massage in so long. it's gonna be great.

i don't want to sound gay.....

limbo

i feel like i'm waiting for something to happen, but i have no idea what it is. it's weird. maybe i need to go out and make something happen. i dunno. it's unsettling. this feeling of being in the middle of something yet totally external at the same time. maybe it's all the coffee that i've had today. maybe it's because i've worked like 50 hours this week. i guess i really just need to have a real break from life and work and such. we'll see if disneyland helps....

disneyland!

in 26 days i'm going to disneyland! i'm so excited! i haven't been excited about disneyland in a really long time. maybe i'm more excited because i'm going on vacation. i will be out of the bay area for at least a week! i'm so excited. i can't wait to leave.

apparently....

i'm not just full of shit. i'm full of lots of shit.

remembering our fallen brothers and sisters

today is the transgender day of remembrance. a day to mourn. a day to reflect. a day to fight. i am a little overwhelmed by the feeling of today. i guess that's why i saw two crows sitting on the wires outside my work. we can never forget. thanks googleblog for your bit on it too.

i dunno. i need some community today.

random thought

i want to be able to stand to pee.

head case

so i have been stuck in my head for the past week and it's time for it to stop. i need to go out and interact with the world again. but there is such a strong draw to stay in my house and in my head. i will just have to push through this. gr.

i-whore

i really, really want a stupid iphone. i used to hate all the people with them. but now i want one. bad. fuck.

lazy ho

so all day yesterday, i laid around naked in my house watching tv. it was so nice. i had thoughts of doing fancy things like leaving the house and being social, but the couch was calling me and had a firm grip on me, so i couldn't leave. the most i could do was text my friend in nyc. it was such a lovely day.

it's been a while....

since i've had alone time. i forget that being around people all the time is draining. which is probably why i've been such cranky pants recently. i'll be fine one minute, then super mad and freakin' out the next. i just need silence and space right now. no wonder every request made of me recently feels so enormous. yeah.....still learning to take time for myself. it's a long, slow process, but i'm doing it. for the next few hours, i get to hang out alone in my house. it's gonna be so nice!

we must remember

something i have been thinking in the past couple of days again. please don't forget.

against all odds

as done by the postal service

How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here

Taking every breath with you
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me
When all Ican do is watch you leave?
'cause we shared the laughter and the pain
And evenn shared the tears
You're the only one who really new me at all

So take a look at me now
There's just an empty space
There's nothing left here to remind me
just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now
there's just an empty space
you coming back to me is against the odds
and that's what i've gotta face

I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
There's just an empty space
There's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face

Take a look at me now
There's just an empty space
And to wait for you is all I can do
And that's what I've got to face

Take a look at me now
I'm just standing here
And you coming back to me
Is against the odds
And that's a chance I've got to face

So take a look at me now
Take a look at me now
Take a look at me now
Take a look at me now
Take a look at me now
Take a look at me now
Take a look at me now
Take a look at me now

apparently been feeling a little emo and this song always gets to me.....

whoa!

so yeah....whoa! a black man is president of the united states. gays still can't get married. my work is in full swing and we are dealing with runaways and our kids getting arrested. it's been a full, full week.

a good week, but a very full week. and there is still another day till the weekend. i do love my life. i just want some time to make some art.

just to put this out there....

but i would like to have the time and energy to make the things that i see in my head. i need to make some art soon. the end.

you can vote however you like

first asian boy

off center

i have been really off center recently and not necessarily in a good way. i feel like i've been dealing with a lot of different changes and i've been handling them pretty well. but i also feel a little distant and lost. i have been feeling really disconnected from myself. i feel like i have been changing, but i don't really know how. i haven't had time to sit with myself and just be with it. i have been carried away by various tides and have been a bit tossed around by the currents surrounding me. and i've been trying to hold tight to myself, but ultimately, i give way to these external currents. i need to re-center myself and be ok with me before running off and trying to ride these other currents. this week will be good for that and i'm gonna make the most of it. if i'm not here for me, then i can't be there for other people. it's my one big lesson in life that i am still learning. but with everything, practice makes permanent.

crazy pants

i feel like a total crazy pants today. work is insanely busy and fast and chaotic. i drove to petaluma tonight for an hour to have dinner with my friend, then i drove back and was almost falling asleep as i drove but now i'm super awake and unfocused and kinda all over the place.

the weird thing is that i feel totally ok. i know i'm acting kinda weird and silly, but it feels really good. i'm listening to lupe fiasco and playing around on the computer and looking up weird things for sale on ebay. i'm a little obsessed with buying things right now. i'm also taking surveys to try to win money. ok. that is all for now.

R.I.P.

today, someone very cool died. my friend's mom passed away today and i don't know how to deal with it. death is really hard for me to deal with. i feel lost. i don't know what to do. i don't even know what to really say about it. i feel like i'm bottling things up and i don't know how to let them out. i can't seem to focus on stuff. i feel really on edge. it's not like my friend lives super far away, but....i didn't go up this weekend, like i thought i was going to. i dunno. i don't know what to do for my friend either. i feel like i'm hiding. i don't know what to do. i just feel so lost. shit sucks right now and there is nothing i can do to make it better. i just need to be in this moment when all i want to do is run away from it.

tribe 8 says vote no on prop. 8

new job. week 1

it's been an interesting week at my new job. i have been lucky enough to have been able to work from home for part of the time, so it was a nice way to ease into working full time again. i also got to do some physical stuff since we had to paint the inside of the youth center. it has definitely been an adjustment for me to have a daytime job again. i really like being a night owl and now i have to get up early for work, but i guess i have been doing the morning thing and being a night owl for the past year with all my work and school. i dunno. i just don't like working. i just want to play all the time. but alas, i can't. at least i like my new job and my new boss is great. all in all, i have nothing to complain about. i just need to get situated with work so i can begin doing other stuff.....like art and learning to fight.

revolutionary? me?

oh yeah, one more thing, a friend of mine sent this to me.....

Virgo August 23-September 22
You are revolutionizing your partnership patterns, learning how to empathize without over-identifying. This is not an easy task, but you are up to the challenge of finding the positive ground of compromise.

interesting....very, very interesting. it sounds really promising. i like it.

problem solver and then some

so the problem with work has been solved! if you want to donate to a great youth center that is starting up in richmond, ca....click here. also, apparently i keep wanting to over commit myself so i agreed to help with this. the geeky side of me keeps winning out and getting me involved in weird nerdy projects.

boring work frustrations

so i am supposed to be adding a credit card function to the website of my new job. but i have encountered a huge problem that i don't know how to handle. well first of all this is *way* beyond my skill level, but as with all jobs, i am giving myself a crash course in how to do this. but what i've found is not good. basically i need an ecommerce plugin or addon but the CMS system that we are using does not have one! argh! i don't know how to code, so i can't just create something. i am pretty good at piecing things together, but when i don't have all the pieces, then it's just really impossible. i tried calling my geeky friends, but one is unavailable due to school and homework and the other has to study for a test tomorrow and doesn't really know much about CMS systems. this is my one big task that *needs* to be done this week, and i can't do it! fuck! i guess i really need to work hard to earn my new paycheck......

helpless

i don't know what to do. i visited my friend with the sick mom and it was really hard. i was up there pretty much all day today and i just feel like i didn't do anything. i felt so useless and confused. i dunno how my friend is going so strong. i guess she has had the last 10 years to deal with all this. it's pretty amazing. there were 3 of us from the east bay who went up to see her. we basically had a picnic on her bed and just hung out. it could have been any other day almost. we just hung out and tried to be normal. but how can you be normal knowing that her mom is dying in the next room? i feel like there should be something that i should do for her. something to make things easier. something to make things right. but i don't know what right is in this situation. i know it's not for me to make right or fix. i just feel so helpless. i didn't know what to say. i didn't know what to do. i guess things are just like that.

a little bit scared

so my friend's mom has been sick for a while now. i guess it's getting worse. i don't know what to do. i'm gonna go see her tomorrow, but i dunno. i feel weird. i don't know what i should be saying to her. or what i should be doing.

freedom

today begins my first day of freedom. i have one week to screw around before i start my new job and i'm so excited. i worked till 3 am and i haven't gone to bed yet. i stayed up all night watching the rest of pushing daisies. that show is so good! unfortunately now i have to wait until the next season comes out on dvd. but anyways, back to freedom. i have nothing to do and nowhere to go for a whole week. it's gonna be fabulous!

the new fashion

so i was perusing boingboing the other day and i found something really cool. it's done by a youth organization based in the bay. read it here.

who can i call for help?

where am i?

to new york or not to new york

i came up with the brilliant idea to run off to new york next week, but now i'm not so sure i can go. at the time, it was a stroke of genius and the tickets are relatively cheap. the thing is, i'm not sure i have a place to crash. it's bad timing with my friend in new york. i dunno. maybe i should just show up and see what happens.....

i have been really anxious recently and it's kinda making me crazy. that's why running off to new york seems like such a good idea. i dunno. i have no idea what i need right now. i feel like i'm rambling right now. not to many coherent, cohesive thoughts. it's all kind of a jumble in here.

cranky pants

so i keep hearing about people i know doing/being self-destructive and it's really bothering me. part of me wants to shake them really hard and another part wants to just ignore them. i don't know if it's just bringing up old stuff within myself or what. all i know is that it aggravates me and i don't know what to do about it. i guess i just have to be patient and let people go through what they are going through. part of me wants to fix it for them, but that is not something that i can/should do. i feel selfish because things are going well in my life and i feel so impatient that other people's lives are not. i dunno. maybe i just need to not be around people right now. i am going through some major life transitions again. maybe i just need to focus on me. but that makes me feel selfish as well. argh. i dunno. the prospect of having time to myself in the not too distant future is making me a little impatient. i just need to relax. i am such a cranky pants and it's annoying me. i guess that is the root of all this. i just need to learn to relax again. i need to take care of myself. i know what i need to do to do that, but i don't have the time right now. in a few weeks, everything will be different. i guess i'll just have to wait it out.

2 weeks

i gave my two weeks' notice at both of my jobs. i am going to be delving back into the non-profit world. i know that i don't have to stay there, but right now it's what i need. i'm going to be back to a m-f, 9-5 gig. which means, hopefully, that i will have time to see all my lovely friends again. also, i can hopefully have time to do some art and have some time to myself. i've been burning the through the last year or so and haven't really stopped. i think now is a good time for me to re-center myself and not be so insane. it's gonna be really different going from 12-16 hour days to a normal 8 hours a day. weird. but all in all it will be good. and also, with this new job, i have promised someone cable in the house, so i have to deliver. things are levelling out....

pretty cool

more birthday ramblings

so yes, the day has gotten clearer, or rather my mind has gotten clearer as the skies have gotten grayer. i have been wrestling with a decision about my job situation for the past few weeks and this afternoon it got cleared up. i can only really take being blamed and belittled for things i haven't done at just one of my jobs. now that it is happening at both, well, i say fuck you. i'm gonna leave both of them. i said a little while ago that i only wanted to work one job and make a certain amount of money. well, i have been offered that and i am going to take it. to be able to make enough money so i don't have to live check to check. to have health insurance again. to have paid vacations. to not have crazy bosses to deal with. to have time to spend with my sweetie. to have time to do art again. well, why wouldn't i take it? at least for the next little bit. we'll see what else the future brings. i do know that i have the strength and the power to manifest what i want. apparently all i need to do is say it and then it happens. life is good. 33 is gonna be a great year!

it's my jesus year

so yes, today is my birthday and i am now 33. i don't have any big revelations or insight to reveal. i didn't dread my birthday this year, though, like i usually do. i had a lovely dinner out last night with my girl and then we got some champagne and had a midnight toast. it was pretty mellow. tonight we are going to baggy's to hang out. life is good right now. i got to see my parents this week. work is going. i'm getting to see my friends tonight. it's good.

everyone wants me

that is such an arrogant title, but it's kinda true. right now, at least in terms of work, everyone wants me. which feels really nice, but is also kinda stressful. i don't know what i want, so all the options sound really good to me. i know that i would like to not be so exhausted all the time and getting more than 3-4 hours of sleep a night would also be nice. working one job that will pay all of my bills and not have me living check to check would be nice too. some time off would be good too. i don't know if i wanna delve back into the non-profit world again, but i do have a very strong offer right now. i dunno. decisions, decisions.

uncomfortable movie

tonight, i watched old boy for the first time. holy fuck. that movie is so wrong. i mean it was a really good movie, but it's totally fucked up. i can't even explain it without giving away the whole movie. all i can say is watch something totally mindless afterwards, like care bears or teletubbies or the smurfs.....

insomnia?

so yeah, my sleep patterns are all sorts of outta wack. i have been staying up really late and then being sleepy all day. it's weird. usually, i knock out fairly early, but these days, i'm up until the wee hours of the morning. not doing anything, just fucking around.

i guess i have been mulling over what i am doing with my life right now. i have officially decided to not go back to school right now. i realized that i really like auto mechanics and i had fun doing it, but i don't know if i love it. i can't really seem to commit to anything.

my jobs are ok. but they are not necessarily what i really want to do. i don't know what i want to do. that is the dilemma right now. or rather...again. there is some stuff happening at one of my jobs, but i am not ready to talk about it right now since, it's still in the talking stage and nothing is set yet. i'll have to wait and see what happens with that.

i'm really happy with my girlfriend. we get along so well and have so much fun. even if we disagree, we are still good. i never feel like it's a make it or break it situation. we can hang out and have fun and if we do argue, it's still really good. it's kinda scary. i dunno how to explain it. i guess it's weird because i'm 32 and this is the healthiest relationship i have ever been in. and that's what makes it weird. the fact that it is healthy.

i dunno. i need to see my friends more often and i definitely need to see my family more often. i just work so much and when i'm not working, i just want to be at my house. but that will work itself out soon. i did get to see a friend on saturday night who i haven't seen in a while. i need to call my friend in nyc back and chat with her. it's been ages since we have had an actual conversation.

i definitely feel optimistic about life and the world in general, although it is weird that bernie mac died on saturday and isaac hayes died on sunday. why are all the black men dying?

yeah, so this is rambling and probably doesn't make a lot of sense. but in a nutshell, that is what is happening these days. i think i need to do an art project soon so i can keep myself in balance.

it's weird in there

the next few dreams i've had are weird too. the gross one is that i went out to eat with a friend and she ordered something that had like this cake-y thing on top but underneath it was a dead little puppy. the puppy was a weird blue color. it was really gross. the image has been burned into my mind for the last few days and i can't seem to get rid of it.

last night's dream a was a lot less intense. i was flying around with a box around my feet and i was trying to get back to this kitchen so i could make lemon bars. also, i kept flying around a college campus trying to get to this little shop to make my lemon bars.

i dunno what's going on in my little head recently. it's weird in there.

demolition?

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Could you get access to a crane with a wrecking ball? How about a chainsaw or sledgehammer? Metaphorically speaking, you may need some heavy equipment to do all the demolition work that's necessary right now. Among the structures that could be due for destruction: a mental block you've been preserving out of perverse nostalgia; a prison cell you lock yourself inside on your off days; a half-built bridge you're no longer interested in or capable of completing; a pedestal on which your fallen idol used to stand; and a door you nailed shut in order to seal yourself off from a person with whom you still have unfinished business.

hopefully i have the strength to smash!

weird dreams

i had a dream last night that i was going to find this guy who lived in a basement. the basement was in a movie theater and he apparently was covered in mold. i don't know why i was looking for him, but i was. i woke up from this dream confused and went back to sleep. next i dreamed i was in new york city with my friend shoshanna. we were discussing exercising in new york and how you have to go to a gym to do it. all the while, i'm holding a very tiny baby in my arms and we are in line at mcdonald's trying to get some food. but for some reason the line at mcdonald's was in the kitchen. i woke up from this dream also very confused.

needless to say, i think i need some real rest.

i don't know what i'm doing

with my life. i have no idea what i love doing. i know some things that i like doing. argh.

not so pure

so i don't really think the month of purity is an accurate description. it's been more of a month of consciousness. i've just been more conscious of what i've been eating and how much and also how much i have been smoking and drinking. i guess it's a re-learning of moderation. it's been good. i feel better and that's what's important.

month of purity

so i have decided to go on a minor cleanse. i am not going to be drinking for the next month and i am cutting back my smoking to 5 cigarettes a day. the drinking isn't too much of a problem, but of course since i can't have it, i really want to drink a beer. and the cigarette thing is ok. i just have to be strategic about smoking my 5 a day. eventually, i do want to quit entirely, but cutting back to 5 a day is a good start. i have also cut out fast food again. it's not like i was eating it every day, but i think that it was getting a little bit out of control. of course since i can't have these things, that's all i want. but it's only day 2, so of course it's a bit hard. but it's good and i can totally do this.

anti-gay weekend

well, it's pride weekend. and again, i've decided to not do anything. i've been feeling really anti-social recently. i dunno. pride weekend seems like some sort of free pass to drink heavily and act stupid. i dunno. it makes it so acceptable that the "pride parade" is sponsored by budweiser and the like. so all the alterna-queers go to the dyke march or the trans march which is supposedly more political. but honestly, i think it's just more of the same. the dyke march and the trans march may not be sponsored by any major alcohol corporations, but it may as well be. the same shit happens there too. i dunno. i guess i've been wrestling with my identiy again recently. i don't know where i fit in. i feel so unsettled and uncomfortable. i don't know what i want right now, i guess. this post is kind of rambly and all over the place and i guess that is how i feel in general right now. not that anything is particularly 'wrong'. i just feel uncomfortable. i guess i will just try to settle into that feeling and be ok with it.

what what

roasting it up

i am making a pork roast tonight. it's the second roast that i am attempting to make. the first one was beef and covered in a garlicky breadcrumb crust. this one has an herb paste covering it. once again i am roasting it on top of potatoes and onions since i don't have a roasting pan. the first one was delicious. let's hope that this one is just as tasty. my next conquest will be to make a roast on a grill. now all i need is a grill.....

i was on the big screen

so three years ago, i was in a film for a friend of mine. she promised that it was going to be shown in a film festival in san francisco, but it never happened. i kinda forgot that i was in that film till just a few weeks ago, when said friend emailed and said the film was going to be shown! so, last sunday, i trekked to the city and lo and behold a younger, chubbier version of me was huge on a screen! i dunno, it was kinda exciting, but at the same time, i was blushing so hard in the dark theater when i was on the screen. it's weird. anyways, the crowd seemed to enjoy it and thank god, i didn't have to talk in any of it. it was super cute and ended up like and old silent film with the dialogue inserted as stills. anyways, i'm gonna get a copy of it so i can show all my kids and grandkids my movie debut....

begin. summer. now.

so i am getting closer to being a normal human being again. i am finished with my semester and i go an A in my class, so i'm excited about that. i have a new house, which rocks. and now all i am doing is working my two jobs. life is pretty good right now. i just need to call all my friends and hang out with them. i miss my friends. i've definitely been in a bit of a hole with school and two jobs and all. but now i feel like since i only have to work two jobs, then life is more manageable. not to mention the fact that i randomly decided to get drunk tonight. rum and coke is nice. i'm gonna move onto champagne soon. anyways, yeah, i'm getting settled into my summer and i'm pretty happy. i'm gonna schedule a massage soon with my friend. it was supposed to be today, but she overbooked, so i need to figure out another night to do it. i think all i'm missing right now is some real vaction time. i need to figure out how to get out of town for a couple of days. then everything will be right. i've even started walking again. i guess moving close to one of your jobs, helps immensely. i forgot that i actually enjoy walking places. everything is as it should be and i'm grateful for how my life is at this point. i'm getting more comfortable with change, i'm not settling for things in my life and i continually struggle to make myself a better person. i'm taking the opportunities given to me and not taking things for granted. i've even managed to read for leisure already. i've finished dry by augusten burroughs. i guess reading that brought back all my revelations and feelings of cleaning up and sobering up. it's good to be reminded of lessons learned in your past. it keeps those lessons strong and also enables you to see your present situation in a different light. i dunno. i guess i keep going through old lessons to make sure that i've learned them also to add to them through new experiences. i guess, all in all, i love my life and where i'm at. i may not know where i am going, but i'm content to keep going. i guess that is all i can really hope for.

stinky & dirty

gross, but true. i have a confession. apparently i've been so busy and tired and stressed that i now only bathe a few times a week. this really needs to change. it's bad when you can just smell yourself. i wonder if other people have noticed? once this move is done though, i'll be back on the hygienic wagon. i'm so gross.....

bubble and foam

so it's weird. i just spent the last 1/2 hour at my job trying to figure out what size foam and what size bubble wrap to buy for our shipping stuff. it's weird that i am getting paid to figure out how they measure bubble wrap. the nerd in me is really excited about how they measure the bubble in bubble wrap. geez....i need to get a social life.

also, as a side note, why is it 100 degrees out today? it's ridiculous that i slept with all the windows and the door open all night and i was still so hot. it's a good thing i'm working in a cool (as in not hot) warehouse right now.

smash

it is so satisfying to do some physical labor. yesterday i got to rip apart a kitchen and it was so much fun. everything got done and i was covered in sweat and dust and i felt so accomplished. i now have these small battle scars from conquering the kitchen. it makes me smile. i love productive destruction.

also, i ended up getting a free meal and drinks last night after coming back from deconstructing. it was an extra bonus for some of the hustling that i have been doing. i know a little while ago, i felt like all my hustling of contract work didn't seem like it was paying off in any way, since i was still broke, but now, things are kinda looking clearer. i'm still broke, but it's ok. i not only got paid for my work, but i also got a free meal and drinks and some quality time with folks. i guess that is more important to me anyways. money comes and goes, but quality time with good people is worth so much more than that.

drifty

so i'm still feeling rather uncomfortable these days, but there is now a sense of calm around it. i don't feel anxious about it. i guess, i'm just becoming one with being uncomfortable. which is a good lesson for me.

as for other things, i got to see my parents this week, which was really nice. i've been enjoying spending time with them. i don't have this weird sense of dread or animosity when i see them now. i've heard my mom laugh again, which is really nice. it's been a long time.

and this sunday, i get to go to sacramento and break shit. i get so excited to do something that is productively destructive. i love it. nothing like doing a few hours of hard labor to make you feel good.

uncomfortable

i have been feeling a bit weird and uncomfortable recently. i don't know quite what it is yet. it may be some anxiety about all the changes that are gonna happen in my life in the next few months. it may be that i'm broke. it may be that i never sleep. most likely it is a combination of everything. i feel like i don't have enough time for everything in my life. and what i have been doing is just going to school and working. i don't really have a life. summer will be better. i think i may just have to work and not go to school. i really want to take this class though.....i just don't think i can take the same hectic schedule i have now. argh. why aren't there more hours in the day? oh well. i'll figure it out. everything always works out the way it's supposed to. i just gotta remember that.

next steps

so i need to make some more changes in my life. and it's been muddling around in my brain for a while now, so i decided to make a list to get it out. i also apparently need to remind myself of fun stuff that i like to do to keep me sane.

find a new job in the auto industry
decide about summer school
find a new house
go on more adventures
learn how to ride a motorcycle
possibly sell bessie
get a truck
get a motorcycle
go to la la land
beach days
lake days
bbq
relax
read
sleep
day trips out of the city
try to nyc this year

much needed break

so i had such a great weekend off. it's hard to go back to my rigorous schedule tomorrow, but i feel renewed. after the great housewarming party, i went out to a few bars with my girl and her friends. we had a great night out and today i got to go up to petaluma to visit one of my favorites. it was so good to see her and how she is doing. i haven't seen her since last october or november. she has been m.i.a. and i was worried, but she seems to be holding it all together. we spent the afternoon hanging out in petaluma, having lunch, watering her garden, getting coffee, and chillin' at a coffee shop. i got sent home with a back full of fresh veggies that i used to make a killer salad. and tonight i made my first beef roast. it was encrusted with garlic infused oil and bread crumbs. i don't have a roasting pan, so i made do by roasting it on top of potatoes that i seasoned with oil, salt, pepper, fresh rosemary and fresh oregano. the roast turned out juicy and tender and the potatoes were perfect. we had a dessert of fresh strawberries. it was delicious and i'm pretty proud of my first roast. all in all, it was great weekend and now i feel like i can finish out the semester and figure out my life.

weekend off

this is the first weekend off i've had in a long time. i totally needed it. as is evidenced by my last few posts. i have done nothing really today except get a little tipsy, do my laundry and watch anthony bourdain on youtube. i really want korean food right now. for some reason watching kimchee get made really turned me on. now i'm going to a party and bringing bacon wrapped hot dogs. what more could you want for a saturday?

yep. maxed. out.

so i feel like i'm on the verge of having a meltdown. i have made too many commitments and have no time for myself. and when i do get a moment to myself, my mind is racing and it's not really relaxing. or rather i have this nagging feeling that i should be doing something and i have no idea what it is. anyways, suffice it to say, i've been stuck in my head and i can't get out. i have also been having some crazy ass dreams, so my sleep isn't even restful. i wake up more tired than when i went to bed. maybe it's time to get serious and get to exercising. i need some endorphins. it's either that or start smokin' dope again. and we all know how that goes.......

maxed out

i feel like i'm been so bitchy recently. i can't seem to stop complaining. i really don't have anything to complain about. life is good. i am busy. i guess i just need some time to slow down and enjoy a little bit more. the frenetic pace of my life these days is beginning to take it's toll. i mean, it's gotten to the point where i have no clean underwear and no clean socks. that's just ridiculous since i have like 30 pairs of underwear and similar pairs of socks. i haven't really had time to think, let alone do simple things like laundry and cleaning my house. argh. i dunno. the sun is out these days and it's beautiful. i just need to get out there and enjoy it.

grown-ups

uncle david

cutting away the haze

so i need to remember that when i'm feeling hazy in my brain, i need to cut my hair. i get so much clarity with a haircut. it's like i'm cutting away the self-doubt and fuzzy thinking.

changing patterns

so i've been trying to not repeat old patterns. at least to not repeat patterns that i am conscious of. but i think in my process of doing so, i have not been very clear and a mean about it. so from now on i am going to try to keep my own stuff to myself and say what i mean.

ok....so this is a vague post, but apparently i'm in a bit of murky waters right now. i'll clarify, when i get clarity.

bad day?

vegas, baby!

what happens in vegas, stays in vegas or is blasted all over the interweb.....

upswing

so, now that my face doesn't hurt anymore, i've had an upswing in my mood and have become remotivated/reminded of all these projects that i have started/wanted to do. i am reinspired to work on some creative projects that have been put on hold. i remembered some old goals and will be working on them.

1. work on my website
2. shoot/edit/complete my short movie
3. learn to ride a motorcycle and get my license
4. travel several times a year
5. take some time to myself

yep. back on the horse again.

gates vs. jobs

boring

so i'm really boring right now. all i wanted to say was that my tooth still fuckin' hurts and i've been taking loads of ibuprofen all day today. and now the side of my face is starting to swell and bruise. that is all that is happening in the world of connor. boring.......

no dental insurance

so all i have to say is that i have a freakin' toothache and the right side of my face has this dull throbbing pain....

neopets

so i am now a proud owner of a neopet. i don't know what is happening to me. apparently, i'm a geek and i now have spent most of my night on the neopets website playing with my pet and trying to get neopoints. eh.....i'm drunk and playing neopets, what? what?

hostility

so i consciously realized at work that i have a lot of hostility right now. it's kind of undirected hostility. i don't know what i'm feeling hostile about. it could be any number of things....the fact that i had to turn down a job because of time constraints, the fact that i'm committed to job that isn't really worth the amount of energy that i'm putting into it, the fact that i'm working so much and don't have time for myself, not sleeping.....

but i know that right now i need a way to dispel this hostility. i think i need to start going on walks again or at least doing something physical, so i can get rid of some of this excess energy. we'll see....

appreciations

so i think it's time for me to make a list of things that i am appreciative of in my life. sometimes life gets really hectic and we get caught up and forget to take the time to appreciate how full and rich our lives are. so this is me taking a moment to appreciate the beauty and wonder of my life...

i appreciate:
the fact that i am healthy
i have a place to call home
i have a fantastic girlfriend who pushes me to grow and can call me out on my bullshit and also will put up with my bullshit
i have a community of friends who have supported and loved me in my times of need
i have the opportunity to give back to my community of friends
i have a family that loves and cares about me, even if they don't understand me
i have the freedom to make my own decisions about my life
i love and am loved

what do i want?

so i have a lot on my mind recently. i can't really pin down concrete thoughts. just that i have had a general feeling of uneasiness. possibly the midsts of an existential crisis. i dunno. i am happy with my life for the most part. i guess i wish that i didn't work so much. but besides that i'm good. i am a little concerned that i am repeating some old patterns. i feel like it is still so much work to be honest. i guess after years of lying to myself and others, it's not something you can just stop doing instantaneously. i'm a little ashamed that at 32 i am still lying. it's the way i have trained my brain for so many years and now having to unlearn that and just be honest is a struggle. i'm still insecure too, so that is probably why i'm still a liar. i still want to try to make everyone else's life easier so i don't focus on myself. and the biggest lie to myself is that i still don't know what i want. i give other people what they want, but i'm not sure what i want. i feel like the things i want are not the 'right' thing. meaning it's not what other people want for me. i have spent a all my life trying to live up to other people's expectations. and those expectations are what i think i want, but they aren't. how do you break the cycle of living for other people? i'm still worried that if i don't do what other people want, then i will be letting them down. but really i end up letting myself down and so the cycle begins again. i was doing well last year in figuring out what i wanted and making lists and having those things happen. but now, i feel like it's work time for me to get some of the other things on my list and to make new lists that are current. so here goes...

what i want:
to finish school
get a job in the auto field
have a loving, mutually supportive relationship
be more honest with myself and others
come out to my parents as trans
figure out my next steps in terms of my transition, i.e. surgery, hormones
be clear with myself and my loved ones about my transition
work on having an active relationship with my blood family
go on vacation consistently during the year
make good decisions for myself
be more direct in terms of communication
keep in contact with my friends
spend time with friends
make peace with my past
not bring into or compare my past to current situations
live in the present
accept change as it comes
make art
spend quality alone time
eat healthy

i guess that is a good list to begin with. i know that this list will change but the goal is to remain true to myself.

i need a calendar

so, when i was younger, i could remember so many more things. i never needed a calendar. i could just remember all the appointments and times and places of things i needed to do, but nowadays, not so much. it's the middle of january and i have yet to get a calendar. i can't seem to remember anything these days. i'm surprised i remember where my house is sometimes. anyways, i thought yesterday was the first day of school for me, so the night before i got off work early to go home and go to bed early so i could be rested for my 8 am class. i got up yesterday at 7 am and got ready and drove to school. as i drove up, i noticed that there were no cars pulling into the parking lot. i didn't think anything of it. until i pulled into the parking lot and no one was there! i then looked at my registration and saw that the first day of class wasn't until TODAY! i'm so ridiculous! i even requested to not work my day job yesterday so i could relax after the first day of class. argh! so dumb! well, anyways, it ended up that i had a surprise day off from everything which was nice, so i went shopping and watched a movie at a friend's house. at least i got to rest before my crazy day today which includes the first day of class, working my day job and working my night job.....so sleepy......

reminder: laugh

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The U.K. newspaper *The Independent* reports that avid reader Mark Bastable consumed the collected works of D.H. Lawrence and found "not a single laugh, not a wry chuckle, not even a quiet grin in the entire po-faced oeuvre." If that's true, I say we put an asterisk on the covers of his books, similar to the mark that will go on the home run record of the allegedly steroid-enhanced baseball star Barry Bonds. In D.H.'s case, the asterisk will denote that he won a place in the literature hall of fame despite having never expressed the second-most essential human emotion. In any case, Virgo, don't you dare read Lawrence in the next four weeks. You need to be surrounded by influences that will encourage you to look for humor and amusement in every single thing you do.

2008 is gonna be great!

with a new year, comes new possibilities and new energy. i'm not gonna lie. 2007 was a hard year for me. not to say whether it was good or bad. it was just hard. a lot of transitions, changes and growth. as a virgo, i don't deal well with change. i quite dislike it as a matter of fact, but one major lesson learned last year is that change is the only thing that does consistently happen.

anyways, this year has started off fantastically and i only expect it to continue that way.