true colors

so last night i went to the true colors show.

it was AMAZING! four hours of non-stop awesome-ness. i was so hyper all day in anticipation of the show and it rocked. after the show i was still having a post concert high and couldn't sleep. cyndi lauper is someone that i have wanted to see live and now that i've done it, i can totally die a happy boi now. not to mention that there were so many other awesome people performing too....the cliks, dresden dolls, debbie harry, erasure, margaret cho, and rosie o'donnell.

i had so much fun and i even had a trans-bear hit on me. it was interesting. i didn't know what to say. anyways, it was super gay and super fun!

reminder

new beginnings and new endings happen all the time. it is life.

fergie-ssession

i don't know what's wrong with me. i really like fergie songs. it's so ridiculous. it's embarrassing. but it's true. i don't really know how i feel about the lyrics of this song. it seems hopeful to me that things will work out. i have my ideas about how i want my life to work out, but i'll just have to wait and see how it all plays out.

so here ya go.....

finally
by fergie

MMMMMMMMMM

Ever since I was a baby girl I had a dream
Cinderella theme
Crazy as it seems
Always knew that deep inside that there would come a day
When I would have to way
Make so many mistakes
I could'nt comprehend
As I watched it unfold
This classic story told I left it in the cold
Walking through an open door that led me back to you
Each one unlocking more of the truth

I finally stopped tripping on my youth
I finally got lost inside of you
I finally know that I needed to grow
And finally my maze has been solved

[chorus]
Finally
Now my destiny can begin
Though it will have a different set
Something strange and new is happening
Finally
Now my life doesn't seem so bad
Its the best that I've ever had
Give my love to him finally

MMMMMMMM

I remember the beggining you already knew
I acted like a fool
Just trying to be cool
Fronting like it didn't matter
I just ran away
On another face
Was lost in my own space
Found what its like to hurt selfishly
Scared to give of me
Afraid to just believe
I was in a jealous, insecure, pathetic place
Stumbled through the nets that I have made

Finally got out of my own way
I've Finally started living for today
I finally know that I needed to grow
And finally know that

[chorus]
Finally
Now my destiny can begin
Though we will have a different set
Something strange and new is happening
Finally
Now my life doesn't seem so bad
Its the best that I've ever had
Gave my love to him Finally

MMMMMMMM

Finally, Finally

Finally
Now my destiny can begin
Though it will have a different set
Something beautiful is happening, happening
Finally
Now my life doesn't seem so bad
Give my love to him finally

Ohhhhhhh, Finally, Finally, finally

tech bomb

yeah, so apparently i'm not so much of a tech wizard. or mercury is still in retrograde, so all communications and communication devices are on the fritz. i'm not too worried though. i'm doing what i can to move things along, but i think i also need to step back a bit and just let shit happen. i asked a friend to come help me with tech stuff today and initially all the computers he stood by started doing what i've been trying to get them to do for the past 2 days. but then as more time passed, things started to fall apart. that was when i knew it was time to vacate the premises. i was tired. he was tired. and we were just spinning our wheels. so yep. it was time to leave.

tech wizard

so i finally got my office moved and now i'm having to deal with all the little details after moving. like setting up our entire netw0rk again. so yeah, i'm not a techy. i have figured shit out in the last 5 years because it just needed to get done. luckily i have some back-up in the form of nerdy hacker friends. but really. i majored in sociology and um, i have no background in technology. so it's interesting to me that i have been able to do all the work that has been asked of me. so yeah, i guess it's strength of mine to be able to just figure shit out. i guess that is what life is all about....figuring shit out. so yeah, tomorrow, hopefully, i'll have everything up and running again. at least everything made it to the new office space, considering they were laying carpet as our movers were packing up our old space. shit never goes according to plan, but that's how it goes. i'm trying to not make plans cuz they never work out how you want them to. but things always do work out. life is amazing and so am i.

i guess i'm back to thinking i'm awesome in all my quirky, crazy, fucked up glory.

you never know

what's going to happen when you leave your house or who you will meet. the days are always filled with surprises and exactly what you need.

today i left the house to go walk the lake. i got sidetracked and went to the parkway where i ended up meeting up with some friends and hanging out. some folks i had known, but i also got to meet some new people and also got to know some of my friends better. then i went to meet up with some other friends at a park i had never been to in emeryville and got to meet a whole gang of new folks. i also got to listen and learn a lot about the struggles of haitian refugees. and when i got home i got to talk to two of my neighbors. it was so nice to connect and talk about life and philosophy and interpersonal relations and just how to connect with the world. basically, i had a bomb ass day. i feel so alive and loved. yay world! it's amazing what you get back from the world by putting yourself out there. i have also learned when i need to just take time for myself and kick it. it's great. i'm great.

monogamy and polyamory

in thinking about relationships i am coming back to the notions of monogamy and polyamory. i've been thinking about love a lot these days and what it is. unconditional love is something i have been reading about. and it seems to me that both monogamy and polyamory put some sort of 'conditions' on love. monogamy puts the condition of not sleeping with other folks on the table and polyamory puts the condition of having multiple partners on the table. it is two sides of the same coin. i feel like i can love unconditionally. i recognize that i have a lot of work to get to that point, but i am definitely on the path. i think that when it comes down to relationships with lovers, i do lean towards monogamy but have had some experience with polyamory. i think that for polyamory to work, all parties involved need to be open and honest with their own needs and wants. but at the same time, in any relationship, everyone needs to be open and honest with their needs and wants. this is all done with clear communication, being able to ask for what you want, but also be willing to hear 'no' and being ok with that. being open to asking questions, but also answering questions in a clear and honest manner. all relationships take a lot of work and everyone involved needs to be committed to doing the work and struggling through the hard parts and being patient with the process. things come together and things fall apart and that is how life is. loving yourself is the foundation for everything to work out. it's hard though because feelings can complicate the process. in all my work dealing with emotions, i am seeing that they are not easy to 'explain'. recognizing your feelings during the process is a huge starting point, but i'm wondering what you 'do' after you recognize them. just seeing them as feelings and letting them go is really hard. philosophically, i feel like i can talk about and 'rationalize' or use 'logic' to talk about the concepts of monogamy and polyamory, but then feelings get involved and it throws me for a loop. i don't really know the purpose of this post other than to say that all relationships are complicated and i have no idea what i'm doing. i'm working on just being ok with not knowing anything and just trying to become the process. everyone's situation is unique and everyone has a unique experience. everything is always changing. it is what it is. so it goes....i love.

pride and resistance

on kpfa.