bound

so today was a weird day. lately i've realized that i'm getting really forgetful. not about big things but about little shit. this morning i had to do laundry cuz i was gonna be out all day and needed clean work clothes for tomorrow, so i woke up at the ass crack o' dawn to do my laundry. it's a simple task that i thought could be done before a 10 am meeting. i had it timed out and everything. but when i plan shit, it kinda unravels. today was no different. first of all the washer is broken and doesn't drain, so all my clothes are floating in a washer filled with water. i was gonna just leave it till later when i realized i needed a clean sports bra to wear today too. which is why i got up so early. needless to say that didn't happen. so i go back upstairs to get ready for my 10 am meeting and realize as i'm trying to leave that i can't find my wallet. i search and search my house for it, but it's nowhere to be found. finally, i think 'maybe it's in the pants i wore last night'. which of course is in the water filled washer, so i go downstairs, find the pants i was wearing and it's not in the pocket. so i have to fish around in the water and finally find my water logged wallet. i have to take everything out and dry it on the seat of my car on the way to my meeting. good thing it was already warm out.

anyways, back to the sports bra. so i can't really leave the house without a sports bra, but they are all wet and it's too late to dry them. so i decide that i will just bind today. i don't really like the way binding feels because, silly me, i like to breathe throughout my whole day. i do like the way it looks though. anyways, i don't have a binder because i haven't gotten it together enough to order the one that i want. the only thing i have is saran wrap. so i use it. there is nothing worse than wrapping yourself in plastic wrap in 80 degree heat all day. it's fine. i feel supported or at least not flopping around. as the day progresses, i end up in petaluma where it is 95 degrees. and by this point the binding is pinching under my right armpit. so i end up being a sweat-ferno with weird pinching all day. it's a good thing i didn't bind too tight today so i can breathe all day. but now that i'm free, it's so refreshing. no more pinching. no more sweating. oh yeah and of course there is the weird constant rustling sound of plastic as i move my torso.

another day in my ridiculous life. so to close i'm gonna end with these lyrics by dionne warwick:

And I never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned
I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you

And if I should ever go away
Well, then close your eyes and try to feel
The way we do today
And then if you can remember

Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Well, you came and opened me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way I thank you

Whoa, and then for the times when we're apart
Well, then close your eyes and know
These words are comin' from my heart
And then if you can remember, oh

Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
In good times, in bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
Oh, that's what friends are for

Whoa... oh... oh... keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, oh, for sure
'Cause I tell you that's what friends are for
For good times and for bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for (That's what friends are for)

On me, for sure
That's what friends are for
Keep smilin', keep shinin'

tripping

so i had a conversation with a friend a while back and he said two phrases that made a lot of sense. past tripping and future tripping. i past trip a lot. meaning i try to look at my past and try to fix it. to see where i fucked up, but also to get lost in nostalgia for the good parts. my friend said he future trips, meaning that he worries about the future. both kinds of tripping take you out of the moment though. i'm trying to be more in the moment and not freak out so much about what i coulda, shoulda, or woulda done. it's a struggle. i guess i'm still trying to get back into the paradise of my past.

i know i'm a different person now though, so there really is no going back. even if i were to be in any of my past situations as i am now, it would all be different. i guess the following song is a for me today.

honest mistake
by the bravery

People
They don't mean a thing to you
They move right through you
Just like your breath
But sometimes
I still think of you
And I just wanted to
Just wanted you to know
My old friend...
I swear I never meant for this
I never meant...

Don't look at me that way
It was an honest mistake
Don't look at me that way
It was an honest mistake
An honest mistake

Sometimes
I forget I'm still awake
I fuck up and say these things out loud
My old friend...
I swear I never meant for this
I never meant...

Don't look at me that way
It was an honest mistake
Don't look at me that way
It was an honest mistake
An honest....

Don't look at me that way
It was an honest mistake
Don't look at me that way
It was an honest mistake
An honest mistake

relationships

so after i left my job, i got a gift pack from my boss and it was a random assortment of things. definitely all things that i like, but totally random: shop towels, orange hand degreaser, switchblade comb, tattoo bandaids, a lighter, and a guerilla art book. looking at all those things, i realized that i'm really weird. and in seeing my interests laid out in tangible form was a slightly jarring. i went off in my head about why do i like these things? do my interests make me cool? do they make me weird? what the hell does it all mean? but then i calmed down and laughed because i realized that i am weird and also that pretty much everyone is slightly weird and quirky.

which brings me to the other thing that i have been thinking about: relationships. not just intimate ones with partners, but also friendships, acquaintances, random interactions with strangers on the streets, etc. i have been reading a lot of astrology and i've found out that venus is in retrograde and has been since the end of july and will be until sept. 8. i realized that i have been thinking about how i relate to other people since about july and what it is i really want from my relationships and also what i can give. i know that in my past i have been less than available to my friends and partners but that i am learning how to be more open, communicative, and responsible emotionally. i have done a lot of work in this arena and i realized that i am such a different person than i was last year. it's strange to take the time to reflect and to be able to see your own growth. i am still growing and tomorrow, i am doing more growing, by stepping up to start a conversation with a friend that i think really needs to happen to clear the air before it becomes really awkward.

i also feel really centered in all these transitions and i'm learning to just take things in stride. to be flexible with changes both within myself but also in the people around me. everyone has the right to make a decision, but they also have the right to change their mind. nothing is set in stone. and as a virgo, it's really hard to not get caught up in the finer details of things and to see the larger picture. i'm working on that and i trust that everything will work out as it should.

centered transition

so a lot of stuff has gone down in the past week or so....a lot of heavy stuff: jobs, school, girls, apologies, paranoia....

but through it all, i feel pretty centered. not to say that i haven't had moments of feeling angry or sad or alone or happy or crazy or neurotic. it's just that those moments are just that: moments. i feel like i've weathered through them centered and whole. these moments haven't totally destroyed me, like they would have in the past. i guess i have grown in the past few months and i feel stronger because of it. i know more of who i am and what i can handle. i still have my freak-outs, but i know that they are part of my process, so i don't get caught up in them. i do kinda wish that this year would be over though. i've had my ass kinda kicked by this year and i'm hoping next year will have less ass-kicking.

anyways, on a side note, i'm glad that postsecret has new secrets up this week. i was disappointed last week when they just had a movie.