i believe

by Stevie Wonder

Shattered dreams, worthless years,
Here am I encased inside a hollow shell,
Life began, then was done,
Now I stare into a cold and empty well

The many sounds that meet our ears
the sights our eyes behold,
Will open up our merging hearts,
And feed our empty souls

I believe when I fall in love with you it will be forever,
I believe when I fall in love this time it will be forever

Without despair we will share,
And the joys of caring will not be replaced,
What has been must never end
And with the strength we have won't be erased
When the truths of love are planted firm,
They won't be hard to find,
And the words of love I speak to you
will echo in your mind

I believe when I fall in love with you it will be forever,
I believe when I fall in love this time it will be forever

I believe when I fall in love with you it will be forever,
I believe when I fall in love with you it will be forever

I'm so glad that I found someone to believe in again,
I'm so glad that I found someone to believe in again

God surely answered my prayer,
God surely answered by prayer,
You know God surely answered my prayer,
You know God surely answered my prayer,
God always will answer your prayers,
Believe in one who will answer my prayer,
Thank you God

Come on, let's fall in love,
You're the woman I've been waiting for,
Come on, let's fall in love,
You're the girl that I really adore,
Come on, let's fall in love...[etc]

lessons from a 6-year-old

adult: my friend doesn't like me anymore.

6-year-old: call them.

adult: i don't think they want to talk to me.

6-year-old: you should just call them really quick. i'll be quiet. just call them.

adult: no....they are really mad at me and they don't want to talk to me.

6-year-old: you should talk to so-and-so.

adult: yeah, i did.

6-year-old: you should ask so-and-so.

adult: yeah, i've talked to a lot of people and they say i should just forget my friend. do you think they're right?

6-year-old: yea.

adult: well, some people think black power is wrong.

6-year-old: no. it's not.

adult: well, not everyone agrees. there are some people out there who think black power is wrong.

6-year-old: well, that's because they don't think we have anything to offer. but they are wrong. they're liars.

adult: well, i think that i have something to offer my friend, but she doesn't think so. does that make her a liar?

6-year-old: yes.

time and hope

everyone says time helps things change. what happens when you don't think that? what happens when you are stuck and can't see the 'light at the end of the tunnel'? i mean, everyone keeps telling me that time will help things heal. but i have been broken for so long. nothing really ever changes. i mean, i keep having hope, but i think that is what is killing me. god, i'm so depressing. i don't even think anyone ever reads this rambling blog of mine. so all this is just sent out as data into cyberspace. just a series of numbers and symbols. who fuckin' cares anyway? not me.

In Human, All Too Human, philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche had this to say about hope:

Hope. Pandora brought the jar with the evils and opened it. It was the gods` gift to man, on the outside a beautiful, enticing gift, called the "lucky jar." Then all the evils, those lively, winged beings, flew out of it. Since that time, they roam around and do harm to men by day and night. One single evil had not yet slipped out of the jar. As Zeus had wished, Pandora slammed the top down and it remained inside. So now man has the lucky jar in his house forever and thinks the world of the treasure. It is at his service; he reaches for it when he fancies it. For he does not know that that jar which Pandora brought was the jar of evils, and he takes the remaining evil for the greatest worldly good--it is hope, for Zeus did not want man to throw his life away, no matter how much the other evils might torment him, but rather to go on letting himself be tormented anew. To that end, he gives man hope. In truth, it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs man`s torment.

owning my feelings

so on the drive home today, i realized i have all these feelings. i guess not really realized that i had them, but rather acknowledged once again that they are my own and not anyone else's. i have to take responsibility for them. just because i feel a certain way about something or someone doesn't mean that that something or something has to have any sort of feeling or reaction to it. which sucks. it's hard. but i'm doing it. i think that hardest thing for me is to deal with my sadness. i can't shake it. and it makes me wanna do stuff. bad stuff. i'm not. but i want to. the desire is so strong sometimes. i can't see anything else. it swallows me up and i want to make it stop. and i only ever have one 'solution' to it. it's selfish. it's really selfish. and right now, so much of me doesn't care about anything except stopping this feeling.

so i had a dream where i had a fishhook in my mouth and i took it out. it didn't hurt, but i thought it was going to. i mean, it was hooked into my gums completely and basically around the root of my teeth.

Fishhooks

To see fishhooks in your dream, refers to an idea or concept that you need to grasp. The dream may also indicate that you are getting hooked on something or being hooked in. You may be deceived into doing or believing something.

so it goes.

save fred!

http://www.10mg.nl/

a broken promise?

do you ever feel so bad that you want to do something to yourself? i have. and also, i do. it's the only coping mechanism that i know and am comfortable with. why is it that's the only thing i can go back to? it's time to change this habit, but i just don't know how. it starts off innocuous enough. just thinking 'damn i wish i was dead'. but then it slowly creeps further along. next comes an image of my dead body in a variety of ways....laying in a pool of blood on the bathroom floor, slumped over the tub that is filled with bloody water, hanging myself from the stairs, walking out into traffic, driving my car off the road. i don't want to get up from bed. i can't stop crying. becoming immobilized by my sadness. the more sad i am, the further it moves along. next it's holding a knife, exacto, or scissors to my skin; feeling the cool metal against my hot skin. it's comforting. it's a sensation i know. then slowly i slide the flat side of the blade along my skin. that old familiar feeling. waiting for some sort of release from the hold that the sadness has over my entire being. just wanting to feel anything else really. even if it is just cold metal. the slow cutting. even then, i still don't really feel. it only becomes real if i see the outpouring of red blood. to see my insides coming out. to see that i have something inside me. but now i'm in a new phase.....one that i didn't have before. i'm planning. before, i would just cut and cry and cut and cry. but now i want to sell off all my possessions, get rid of all my material goods. write a note. write a will. the words for these notes already forming in my head.

i'm scared. i'm really scared. i promised myself a long time ago that i would not end up in the hospital again. i promised myself to never do this again. but here i am. thinking and planning. this time, it would be for real. i can't fail. it would have to be the end. i just don't care anymore. or is it that i care too much? no.....i'm just a selfish asshole.

eggs, eggs, eggs

sometimes it's just really nice to change your scenery. i went to petaluma today for 'easter'. it was nice to be able to be a kid again and dye easter eggs, and eat really good food and hang out with really cool folks in a nice garden and enjoy the sun. sometimes the change of scenery will help you get out of your head and just enjoy the day. don't get me wrong, sometimes you do need to be in your head and feeling whatever you are feeling, but it's nice to be around folks. it's also really nice to feel the earth under your feet. it grounds you. it helps you feel connected to the larger universe. it's good to get dirty and dye eggs as well as your hands. the world, or maybe it's just the u.s., is trying to sterilize everything and separate you from reality, the earth. also, it's so satisfying to find your first 4 leaf clover. i never thought they were 'real' before. i thought they only existed as dried out marshmellows in sugary cereal. but to find and pick your own is an experience.