food and framily

today was a definitely emotionally releasing for me, what with the crying all day. so this evening i ventured out in the world....on foot. not knowing what i was doing or where i was going. all i knew was that i couldn't be in the house any longer. i started walking around the neighborhood and wandered to my friend's house. i didn't know if she was even going to be home or if she was busy. i just walked over and knocked on the door. as luck would have it, she was home. i couldn't really form sentences. she invited me in and made me some tea, which i have been wanting since i re-read kitchen. i stayed and chatted and she and a friend made dinner and invited me to stay. they made soup, which was great since i feel like after crying i always need soup to replenish the fluids lost. soup is so comforting like being wrapped in a nice afghan blanket while curled up watching tv during a storm.

we eventually started talking about gender but more about the logistics of gender expression. i realized that since i have lost some weight, my chest is becoming more apparent and my curves are coming back. not to say that it's bad, it just makes me a little more cautious out in public. there is definitely a little more concern for myself when i use a public restroom. i don't wanna bind though. i like breathing too much. i am going to finally get the compression shirt though. i've heard it is uncomfortable, but i need to do something. i hate wearing armour to be out in the world, but my safety is more important. i hate that i even have to think about this. but until the world changes their view, i have to do what i have to do.

anyways, the point is that i'm so fortunate to have such great friends that i can just knock on the door randomly and be welcomed in without any questions or having to have a pretense. i love my friends. i love my framily. i love my community. thank you to everyone who has just been there. everyone i have known in my life has been there at the right moment and i just want to thank you all for being in my life.

somewhere over the rainbow

last night i went to a show called mi cuerpo, mi revolucion that was curated by my friend tre. it was an intense night. all the pieces, especially about trans folks really hit me in my gut. i went alone and had a good time. i just was overwhelmed by what folks were saying but also it just hit me really hard personally. it was amazing to see folks be so comfortable being in the middle. i am struggling with that. i am neither man nor woman. i am both. but everyday i feel like i need to choose one or the other. i'm scared i don't have the strength to live as myself. i'm scared of falling back into other people's expectations of me. i have a strong community who loves me as i am, but i walk my own path alone.

i love living in the gray area but some days it's harder than others. today is one of the harder days. i can hardly form thoughts to write right now. i can't stop crying. not really overwhelmed by depression, but just sad that the world sees everything so dichotomously. it leaves no room for the gray area. no room for me. my brothers and sisters and i will make the room. my trans, two-spirited, hijras, genderqueer, genderblending family has been here for all of eternity. we were once revered and seen as healers, but now we are demonized and made this evil other.

i am crying for my fallen brothers and sisters. those who have died, either by their own hand or at the hands of others; those who have been locked up, in jail or the asylum, those who can't live freely as they are. i am fortunate to be able to live my life how i am, but i owe it to those who came before me and for those to come after me.

by Israel Kamakawiwo Ole'

OK this one's for Gabby
Ooooo oooooo ohoohohoo
Ooooo ohooohoo oooohoo
Ooooo ohoohooo oohoooo
Oohooo oohoooho ooooho
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby ii ii iii
Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams really do come true ooh ooooh
Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me ee ee eeh
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops thats where you'll find me oh
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dream that you dare to,why, oh why can't I? i iiii

Well I see trees of green and
Red roses too,
I'll watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

Well I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white
And the brightness of day
I like the dark and I think to myself
What a wonderful world

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people passing by
I see friends shaking hands
Saying, "How do you do?"
They're really saying, I...I love you
I hear babies cry and I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more
Than we'll know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world (w)oohoorld

Someday I'll wish upon a star,
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney top that's where you'll find me
Oh, Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I? I hiii ?

Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo

lost boys

i got to see the lost boys on the big screen. it is the greatest worst movie ever! and i got to see this guy huge on the big screen. totally worth it.

cranky pants

so today i have been so cranky. maybe it's the heat. maybe it's having to pack up my office. maybe it's the hemorrhaging. maybe it's all the above and then some. but i'm committed to not being cranky by this evening. it's actually gotten better throughout the day. i've definitely been the bitchy fashion fag about folks on the street. i bitched about some infant and it's mom because they were both wearing awful hats. i mean, they were really bad. anyways, trying to just finish up in the office for today, so i can get on with my evening.

kiss, kiss.

hero search

today i was talking to a friend and she was talking about going to lunch the other day with yuri kochiyama and how she really enjoys hanging out with elders and learning from them. during their lunch they were talking about queers and specifically some trans issues. and to place some context for yuri, my friend was trying to think of gay activists from back in the day to explain something to yuri and came up with james baldwin and bayard rustin as examples. so today our other friend was asked us who our hero or an elder who we respect and helped us out in some way. and none of us could think of a queer asian out there. it made me sad to realize that. who is a public queer asian activist out there?

the heat is melting my brain

so i just left to walk to the bank to make a deposit. i got all the way to the bank and realized that i forgot to do a deposit slip. so i had to walk back to my office. now i will have to walk to the bank again in the heat! that just means more exercise for me. go team!

give it to me RAW!

for this week:

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Say the following words aloud, please: "Give it
to me raw!" How does it make you feel when you allow that demand to
come out of your mouth? I hope it fills you with a sense of playful power.
If you're in alignment with cosmic influences, "Give it to me raw!" is a
pithy embodiment of your proper relationship with the world. Now try
these corollary statements: "I want the full blast of purity! Don't hold
anything back! Serve me up the maximum dose! I want the elixir of life,
not the hors d'oeuvres! Bless me with the whole truth and nothing but!
I'm in love with the flood, not the trickle!"

and for today:

When it comes to romance today, Connor, you are the one holding all of the cards - most of the good ones, anyway. Take advantage of the good position you are in and don't squander it away senselessly. Play your cards right and you will find yourself sitting in the catbird seat. All your careful planning and consideration of others is starting to pay off in a huge way.

enjoyin' it all

so yeah, life is wacky and stressful and hectic and sad and everything all at once.....but i am really centered and enjoying it all. this is the way life is and always will be. i can only control myself and take care of myself and i'm doing it. it definitely is work at this point, but i know that it will not be at some point. i will grow and become more whole and so things won't stress me out. i will just be. i guess that's the inspiration for my new tattoo that i want. i am taking care of all parts of me and it's definitely a lot, but i'm doing it and doing it well. some things have even become more unconscious. it's amazing. i'm amazing. people are amazing.

one little trick i've started doing is to take at least a minute each day to notice something beautiful and to take it in. even if i'm in the middle of the sidewalk and see a beautiful weed. i stop, crouch down and look.

everything is a process and if you become the process, there is not fighting or suffering. it just is.

the toltec view of love

1. Love has no expectations.
Fear is filled with expectations.
2. Love has no obligations.
Fear is full of obligations. When we act from obligation, our resistance makes us suffer. When we fail to act on our obligations, we feel guilty.
3. Love has respect, not only for others, but also for ourself.
Fear respects nothing, including itself. When I feel sorry for myself, I do not respect myself. When I feel sorry for you, I do not respect you.
4. Love is patient.
Fear is impatient.
5. Love does not pity.
Fear is filled iwth pity, especially self pity.
6. Love is detached.
Fear is filled with attachments and the dread of having to let go.
7. Love is kind.
Fear is too self-involved to be kind.

(excerpt from Beyond Fear: A Toltec Guide to Freedom and Joy)

i love destruction

i love creating things. and recently i've been doing more art and it just feels good. i have a bunch of projects lined up and i'm really excited about all of them. i realized yesterday that i need to make more art where i have to destroy something first. there is something so satisfying about taking something apart and then putting it back together in an entirely different way. i love it. i just don't have a super lot of space for destruction.

shock!

so i've been going to get a massage every week from a friend of mine. it's one of the ways that i have been taking care of myself. it's been an interesting process to really see how connected my physical body is to my emotions. it's interesting to be aware of this connection and i'm working to take care of my body and to deal with my emotions so they don't build up. it's been really good and i've enjoyed it.

well, for the most part when i'm done with my massage, my face feels all tingly and i feel really spacey and out of it. so i usually sit and have some water and chat with my masseuse. well, last week she informs me that basically all those times, she has been putting my body into shock! it didn't even occur to me. i mean, i have never really gotten a lot of massages. (before this, i had only had like 2 professional massages) anyways....yeah, shock. and i had no idea. i just thought it was normal. i mean, i felt really good and just didn't know it was shock. the things you learn by doing......