new year's eve

another year has gone by. it seems like we just barely started 2009 and now it's over. i can barely remember what happened.

for 2010, the things i want are:
less stress
more vacations with at least one out of the country
financial stability, meaning paying off debt significantly
more time alone
spend more time reading for leisure
being more social
planning/researching/implementing moving to nyc
love and understanding from and for my friends and family
be healthier
live a more balanced life
reclaim my individuality and strength and center
strengthen my love relationship
more self love
learn to move with change and not fight it

here's to 2010. may we all have some peace and understanding.

vacation = sick

i am now officially on vacation and of course, i am spending the it sick. i have been in the house since yesterday. i have been alternating between sleeping and eating. i hate being sick and being couped up in the house. i have the freedom this week to do whatever i want and now i'm sick. blech.

motivation

so i am feeling motivated to do for me these days. i am on the way to finding a doctor to start hormone therapy. i am getting presents for myself. i am working on getting back to eating better. taking care of my physical health, mental health, and spiritual health. it feels good. i feel excited and nervous about starting hormones. and i'm trying really hard to not get too excited and worked up about it, but it's hard. i am going to call tomorrow and see what i need to do.

vote for RYSE

if anyone reads this blog, please vote for my job so we can get some money from chase bank!

unsettled

so apparently i want to bitch and moan again. i really don't like my job. i want to buy electronics. i want to travel. i have no money.

ok.....so to be a little more productive, i will make a list of things that i need for life.

1. i will have a job that i enjoy
2. i will have a job that allows me the freedom to create
3. i will have time to create art
4. i will be healthier in my eating and will exercise
5. i will spend more time with my friends
6. i will have enough money to live and to enjoy life
7. i will be able to travel frequently
8. i will start hormones
9. i will have surgery

man of leisure

so i have once again come to the conclusion that i want to be a man of leisure. i would probably still work part time somewhere but then i would spend the rest of my time travelling, creating art, and throwing ridiculously glittery and gay parties.

i would be so good at it! now all i need to do is find someone to give me a trust fund or win the lottery so that i can make this a reality.

16 golden retrievers + atoms = SCIENCE

books are alive

my name is brian

thanks craigslist!

first person narratives

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): An article in the Online Noetics Network profiled the work of Robert Muller, who served as Assistant Secretary-General of the United Nations. It said that Muller is "one of the best informed human beings on the planet," with an "encyclopedic grasp of the facts concerning the state of the world." And yet Muller doesn't keep up with the news as it's reported in the media. Instead, he simply talks to people, either in person as he travels, or on the phone, or through written correspondence. These interactions provide him with all the understanding he needs. I recommend that you try Muller's approach for a while, Virgo. Assume that you can get all the information you really need by gathering first-hand reports from people about what's actually
happening in their lives.

changes a-coming.

i am working on changing my state of mind. it's time to be more centered. i have gotten carried awaywith extraneous stresses and situations. i need to take care of myself. i am making a promise to myself to take care of myself. because when i don't my mind wanders to the all too familiar place. it's a dangerous place. and i need to keep myself in check.

i am working towards a new life. a life full of things that i need. i need a new work situation. one that allows me to flourish. one that allows me the space and time i need to create art and video and to learn new things. i need happiness and joy in my heart. i need a place where i belong. i need quality time with meagan. i need to feel freedom in my every waking moment.

what i want

is a job that i can leave at the end of the day. one that allows me the time and energy to do the other things that interest me. one that will also pay all the bills and be enough where i don't have to struggle financially. i would like to be able to spend quality time with meagan instead of freaking out and trying to decompress enough to go to sleep. one that is semi-active. i want a more balanced life. i want to be able to address my personal transition. one that gives me full medical, dental and vision benefits. this is my first vocalizing of this in the universe. i am still refining the intentions and desires i want to put out there, but this is a pretty good representation of what i want and also what i need in my life. i am very unhappy and i would like to change that.

perfectly imperfect?

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): "Hey Rob: I was having trouble finishing my novel -- typical writer's block. So I sidetracked myself into making silly creative projects -- papier-mache chickens, masks made out of junk mail, collages incorporating bottle caps and dryer lint. I can't say any of it is 'art,' but I feel creative again and my house is full of colorful stuff I whipped up myself. If you wait to be perfect, I concluded, you'll never make anything. I tried something I knew I'd be bad at, so failure didn't matter. Now I'm branching out with my inadequacy -- not waiting for Mr. Perfect but having a beer with Joe Flawed, forgetting to be right all the time, admitting that I haven't a clue. I've become smilingly, brilliantly dumb. -Inappropriate Virgo." Dear Inappropriate: Congrats! You're doing exactly what I want to advise all Virgos everywhere to try.

so tired.

tired of work. tired of struggling financially. tired of putting my personal needs on hold. tired of traffic. tired of talking. tired of television. tired of stress. tired of everything.

what should i do?

everything is my fault

i take full responsibility for all my actions. if that means that people leave, then that is the consequence that i need to accept. it's ridiculous to think that i have no part in anything. it's all my fault and that's all there is to it.

5 hours

spent tonight at the hospital and for what? for them to tell there is nothing wrong with my hand.

displacement = success!

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): One of the best modern Turkish poets was Seyfettin Bascillar, who worked as a meat inspector in New Jersey for many years before his death in 2002. Nobel Prize-winning poet Czes_aw Mi_osz lived in Berkeley, California for over four decades while writing his books in Polish, his native tongue. Iceland's great poet of the 20th century, Stephan G. Stephansson, lived in Canada most of his life but always wrote in Icelandic. These people remind me of what you're going through: striving to do what comes natural and authentic in a situation very different from the place where you first learned to be natural and authentic. The interesting fact of the matter is that this feeling of displacement could very well be key to your success.

when i grow up....

what the hell do i want to be?

so over it

i'm tired of annoying white people. especially white people who are dumb and don't recognize their own privilege. i'm also over feeling like i don't have a voice. fuck. i'm really irritated. i was at a friend's house and there were all these annoying people there. fucking talking about the parkway. and how they are still mad and sad and blah, blah, blah. i mean, i understand being sad about being laid off and how fucked up it was at the parkway. but really! fuckin' move on! and then the fact that there was 20 year old there. fucking annoying. aaaaahhhhhhkkkkkkkk!!!!! i'm so irritated. i don't even know what to really say about it. so i guess i'll just end this post and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

!!!

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): In a puckish fantasy, the poet Linh Dinh imagined a hypothetical scenario in which it would be uncool to be too cool. "In an effort to inject more pep and resolve into its lethargic citizens," he waxed with prophetic longing, "the government is mandating the use of an exclamation mark at the end of each sentence, spoken or written. 'It looks like rain!' for example, or 'I must sleep!'" I suggest that you take his vision, Virgo, and turn it into reality for the immediate future! You would really benefit from getting more excited than usual! Who knows, maybe a simple thing like imagining every one of your sentences ending with an exclamation mark could make your whole being more thrillable!

bottled water is like charter schools

this is an interesting blog posting about how the lost of public drinking fountains correlates to the rise in charter schools. to read more go here.

the dancing pig

this is really weird and the very end kinda creeped me out.

myer-briggs take 2

so apparently i took the meyers-briggs test 2 years ago and apparently i'm still the same. hm....maybe there is something to this test.

Introverted

Sensing

Feeling

Judging

Guardian™ Portrait of the Protector (ISFJ)

We are lucky that Protectors make up as much as ten percent the population, because their primary interest is in the safety and security of those they care about - their family, their circle of friends, their students, their patients, their boss, their fellow-workers, or their employees. Protectors have an extraordinary sense of loyalty and responsibility in their makeup, and seem fulfilled in the degree they can shield others from the dirt and dangers of the world. Speculating and experimenting do not intrigue Protectors, who prefer to make do with time-honored and time-tested products and procedures rather than change to new. At work Protectors are seldom happy in situations where the rules are constantly changing, or where long-established ways of doing things are not respected. For their part, Protectors value tradition, both in the culture and in their family. Protectors believe deeply in the stability of social ranking conferred by birth, titles, offices, and credentials. And they cherish family history and enjoy caring for family property, from houses to heirlooms.

Wanting to be of service to others, Protectors find great satisfaction in assisting the downtrodden, and can deal with disability and neediness in others better than any other type. They are not as outgoing and talkative as the Provider Guardians [ESFJs], and their shyness is often misjudged as stiffness, even coldness, when in truth Protectors are warm-hearted and sympathetic, giving happily of themselves to those in need.

Their reserve ought really to be seen as an expression of their sincerity and seriousness of purpose. The most diligent of all the types, Protectors are willing to work long, hard hours quietly doing all the thankless jobs that others manage to avoid. Protectors are quite happy working alone; in fact, in positions of authority they may try to do everything themselves rather than direct others to get the job done. Thoroughness and frugality are also virtues for them. When Protectors undertake a task, they will complete it if humanly possible. They also know better than any other type the value of a dollar, and they abhor the squandering or misuse of money. To save, to put something aside against an unpredictable future, to prepare for emergencies-these are actions near and dear to the Protector's heart. For all these reasons, Protectors are frequently overworked, just as they are frequently misunderstood and undervalued. Their contributions, and also their economies, are often taken for granted, and they rarely get the gratitude they deserve.

Mother Teresa, George H.W. Bush, Jimmy Stewart, and Tsar Nicholas II are examples of Protector Guardian style.

missing out

so apparently the burlesque show last night was the place to be. i feel like i am not really connected to anything. just floating to work and floating home. i don't feel like i belong to anything. i'm not doing anything that brings me joy at this point. i am just going through the motions. the thing is, i have no idea what i want to do that would make me happy.

irresponsible dreams

i really want some more spontaneity in my life. it doesn't have to be big and crazy, just some little sparks to keep life interesting. cuz at this point, i am just constantly daydreaming about being completely irresponsible. like i want to leave work and not come back for days and not call. just kinda disappear. or to just spend a bunch of money i don't have on fancy electronics. or start booking trips and taking them without telling anyone.

but of course, i am too old and too responsible for all that. le sigh.......

a little lost

so i feel a little confused and unbalanced. i feel out of control of my life. i don't feel like i have any time to think about what i want. it's just work, work, work, right now. i want to be able to come up with some personal goals to be able to get some direction in my life. i want to be able to have a complete thought about something that i want in my life, but it seems that i am so overwhelmed and stressed out by work that i can't do anything. when i get home i just want to not think at all. i need to do something to change this cycle. it's getting to be too much. it's not even really living at this point. i'm just moving through the day and not actually in the day. something's gotta change.

34 and counting

so i had a wonderful birthday celebration last friday. it was fun and chill and everything i needed.

the other thing that is bigger and more prominent for me right now is my transition. i feel, not necessarily a sense of urgency, but a sense of momentum. i dunno. it is still really confusing. what also doesn't help is that i can't seem to just find a trans friendly endocrinologist who i can talk to about hormones that is on my insurance plan. the stupid blue shield site is so confusing and the info they have about the doctors is not enough for me to make a decision. i dunno. i should be going to sleep since i have to get up early, but instead i am researching the blue shield website to find a doctor. this is ridiculous. i'm going to bed.

happy happy happy

this totally made my day today!

lookin' good for this week!

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): I dare you to say yes to a possibility you've said no to in the past. I double dare you to try an impossible thing before lunch each day. I triple dare you to imagine you're a genius at inspiring people to like you and help you. I quadruple dare you to drive overly
stable people crazy for all the right reasons. I quintuple dare you to fantasize that your so-called delusions of grandeur have begun to contain more than a few grains of truth.

cleanse

so the person at work who has just by her shear existence irritated me to my core is gone. the shift in the air at work is palpable. people can breathe and move. i also found out some stupid ass shit that was said about me. i know it's not my issue and it's projection, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. to have someone say that i'm not 'convincing' as a man because i don't 'feel' like a man is fucking bullshit. fuck. it's not as though i don't have enough of my own issues around transitioning....sometimes i really hate people.

surgery

also, as side note, i have been considering surgery more seriously recently. i found out that the doctor i want to go to may be retiring soon, so i gotta get on it. his results are the best i've seen. i feel like i will be more comfortable going to the beach, the pool, whereever....i want to be able to walk shirtless and confident.

sigh....

restless

work has been moving so fast! i feel like i run a marathon every day. doing this and that and that and this. never really feeling like i get anything done. i know i am working at a start up and it takes a while to get everything in place, but damn! it takes a lot to run a whole center. i've definitely had to learn a lot in a short amount of time. it seems like every day there is a new obstacle to tackle. and it's added onto to just the regular parts of my job that i don't even have time for. i have so many different aspects to my job and i don't seem to have time to focus on any of it. i feel like i am always playing catch up and running around chasing my tail. i don't feel like i'm actually getting anything done. but i guess i am since nothing has come back to bite me. i kinda like the pace of things sometimes, but i have definitely been putting in a lot of 12 hour days. luckily i get to take tomorrow and friday off. i need a little rest. i need time to reflect. i need time for fun.

tomorrow me and the lady are going to six flags magic kingdom. roller coasters and animal shows. what more could you ask for? what a great way to spend a tuesday.

and thursday me and the lady are going to go camping for night. it should be interesting. we aren't going far. it's the first of hopefully many camping trips. we are building up to bigger camping later on. basically we are going to drive up into the hills to anthony chabot park, pitch a tent, cook over fire, hang out, then pack up and leave. it will be nice to out in nature for a minute.

what i would really love to be able to afford is to spend some time on a tropical beach. sleeping in a hammock and having some cocktails and playing in the ocean. may later this year....

ninja and samurai

chainsaw dreams

Chainsaw

To see a chain saw in your dream, indicates that something drastic is about to happen. Success will only come about through willpower. Alternatively, it suggests that you get right to the heart of the matter quickly. The chain saw may be seen as a phallic symbol and can refer to your sexual drives.

so what does it mean when you see a chainsaw and someone is trying to use it to kill someone? my subconscious is a little screwy. dreams are weird.

forgiveness and respect?

sometimes i wonder if you can forgive someone but still not respect them.

overzealous and not enough info

asteroid courtesy of xkcd

things to work towards this week....

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): First of all, my friend, you don't need any second-hand anything, let alone second-hand love. Second of all, dearest, you are hereby ordered not to hang around any third-rate situations where you feel like a fifth wheel. You understand? Thirdly, wonderful one,
keep in mind that any eight ball you may fantasize that you're behind is just a figment of your own delusions. Fourthly, lover, I assure you that your sixth sense can now lead you -- if you cleanse it of its excess superstition -- to a place that is, if you have a good imagination, a suburb of the seventh heaven.

the rubix cubewich

i found this on thisiswhyyourfat.

thank you new york for this one

Teenage boy #1: All I'm saying is it's false advertising. If you suck dick, you should say you suck dick.

Teenage boy #2: But then everyone will think you're a fag.

Teenage boy #3: No, no way. You're telling me that just because I meet a guy whose dick I want to suck, people will think I'm a fag?

courtesy of new york

meeting ticker

i think this is hilarious. i feel like i want to start it at every meeting i have and have it projected on the wall in front of everyone. i think every nonprofit should to it. then we can see how much money we are spending on just meetings.

random adventuring

i just got back from a wonderful, random reno adventure with my nugget. it was so spontaneous. it was nice to do something random again. i feel like i'm getting back to being me. i need spontaneity and randomness. i like ending up in places that i had no idea was going to happen. we were going to sacramento for a visit with her parents and on the way, i thought about reno. and then we ended up going. we didn't win any money, but we had a great time. i feel like i'm getting more in touch with myself again and it feels good. yay for summertime fun!

skeeter the narcoleptic puppy

getting good at breakfast

so, this past weekend, i decided to make breakfast for the lady. and on all accounts it turned out beautifully delicious. i sliced yukon gold potatoes, marinated them with olive oil, rosemary, salt, pepper and red chili flakes, and then layered them in a skillet. it was a test of patience, but it paid off. i didn't move the potatoes at all. and towards the end added a splash of chicken stock to help steam and cook through all the potato layers. the bottom layer got super crispy and delicious. i also made a cheese omelet that was just cheesy enough and fluffy and not runny at all. i seem to have gotten really good at making omelets recently. before this, my omelets always turned into scrambles. i topped it all off with some crispy bacon. i don't have any pictures this time, but i'll be sure to take some next time.

crazy cat lady

whoa! this lady has too much time on her hands.

love and affection

my dad sent me this video and it made me cry. i love my dad, even if i do get frustrated with him. i need to work on that.

letting go

so i'm feeling a bit more centered. but i know that this is gonna be a bit of a process. dealing with life can be overwhelming and stressful, but i need to remember to recognize and appreciate what i do have. i think that will help me balance out the feelings of stress and irritation. i can't let those feelings overwhelm me.

as a side note, i've been thinking about my transition more and though that also causes me stress, it's really important for me to be who i am. and for me to really be me, i need to change myself physically. i've been thinking about surgery more and more over the past couple of days. it scares me and excites me at the same time.

personal fulfillment?

what do i want to do that will give me personal fulfillment? that seems to be the overarching question that i need to answer in order to not be so angry. i'm tired of being angry. it's getting really old. i need to stop flipping out for no reason. it's ridiculous. but what is it that i want to do? i have no idea. when i was younger, i had ideas. thoughts and dreams. these days, i look out at my future and i see a void. i have no idea what i want to be. where i want to go. it's just a vast nothing. i have no direction. no inkling of an idea of what i should pursue next. i also just feel very empty. i feel like i don't really have anything that is mine. i have no idea what happened. it seemed like not so long ago, i had gained back a lot that i had lost. but now i seem to be back in the nothing. i have no space that is mine. no physical space. no emotional space. i feel like i keep giving and giving and i'm not getting anything back. i'm running on empty and i don't know how or where to stop to fill up.

drink wilkins coffee or get a muppet beatdown?

when was the last time i woke up happy?

i really can't remember the last time i woke up happy. every day it seems i wake up filled with anxiety and stress. i don't know what to do. i feel paralyzed. i need to change my life, but i don't know what to change. i feel like i've been moving through sludge. i can't focus. geezzus. this is lame. it seems i only write depressing ass posts. i'm tired of this. i'm really, really tired of this.

really fitting

so my horoscope for this week really fits my state of being.....

VIRGO (August 23-September 22): I hinted at this last week, Virgo, but I'd like to make it the central point of your horoscope for this week: If there's a part of you that's a bit (or more than a bit) fed up with feeling like somebody else has been setting the agenda for what you ought to be concerning yourself with, I encourage you to position this fed-up-ness in center stage of your consciousness. Let it be fuel for you to redefine the terms of what occupies the bulk of your daily thought processes. Let it motivate you to push the 'reset' button on how you allocate your energies, so you may start from some veritable level of scratch and methodically reorient yourself to what you find important. Maybe you've been so caught up in workplace drama that it's taken over your leisure time, too? Put a stop to that immediately, by replacing those off-the-clock with worries with the activities you consciously decide are most important, meaningful and inspiring to you. Perhaps you're healing from a broken heart, or are presently embroiled in a situation that's still in the process of breaking it? You needn't permit it to take over every moment of your life, particularly if you're aware there's now a gaping hole that needs to be filled with something upbeat and perspective-shifting that'll give you a reason to anticipate a lighter future. Ultimately, this counsel is about boundaries… about encouraging you to make the willful choice, to draw a line around the circumstances that have taken up way too much space recently, penning it safely into a corral it cannot escape from except when you purposely open the gate, and buying you back ample territory to fill with other circumstances you simply like better.

generally dissatisfied

yep. generally dissatisfied with my job. i need to change it, but i'm not ready to make that decision yet. i am going to stick it out for a full year and then see where i'm at.

this week sounds promising...

according to freewillastrology.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Most of you Virgos have built-in safeguards that ensure you won't abuse power. That's why I feel uninhibited about advising you to grab all the new authority and influence you can get in the next few weeks. It's one of those phases in your astrological cycle when
you're more likely to be in line for promotions, new privileges, and increased clout. I hope you won't be shy. You may have to be uncharacteristically aggressive as you claim your rightful potency and rewards.

now i have to just be aggressive this week. i think i need to very quickly figure out the difference between aggressive and asshole......

brand new colony

by the postal service

I'll be the grapes fermented,
Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit
Like a perfect gentlemen
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick
Where you will sit and contemplate your day

I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning
In an open tab when your judgment's on the brink
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite
Albums back as you're lying there drifting off to sleep...
I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you...
You won't have to strain to look into my eyes
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat
With the collar up so you won't catch a cold

I want to take you far from the cynics in this town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene,
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change,
We'll give ourselves new names (identities erased)
The sun will heat the grounds
Under our bare feet in this brand new colony
Everything will change, oOo oOo...

but really.

i don't know how things got to be how they are, but i am hoping it is temporary.

sad boi

i'm depressed. so very, very depressed. ugh.

reminder list

things i really need to remember/start/continue to do:

1. eat healthy
2. exercise
3. spend time alone
4. express my creativity
5. learn something new
   

i think that if i keep doing these things, i can help myself feel better. the feelings of angst and irritation will be less. cuz at this point, everything sets me off. i just feel so crazy and i hate it.

hisssssssssss...........

i like this.....a lot!

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The scenario I'm about to describe is likely to happen only in your dreams or fantasies, not your actual waking life. But it will later have a correlation in your waking life, and perhaps will be instrumental in preparing you mentally and emotionally for the triumph
you'll be able to accomplish in your waking life. So here it is, the mythic tale that I foresee unfolding in the subtle realms: A python will slither up and begin to coil around you. With an apparently irrational instinct that turns out to be quite smart, you will hiss loudly and then bite the snake, causing it to slip away and leave you alone.

this gives me some hope

i think this balances out my last post.......

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): One of the most successful managers in baseball history was Casey Stengel. His New York Yankee teams won the world championship seven times. Before the 1953 season, when the Yankees had already won four consecutive World Series, he made the observation that "If we're going to win the pennant, we've got to start thinking we're not as smart as we think we are." I hope some version of those words will come out of your mouth soon, Virgo. As savvy and crafty as you are, you'll have to become even more so in order to pull off the victory that's almost within your grasp.

overwhelmed.

everything is overwhelming. so instead, i am wasting time and uploading photos to flickr. at least, i'm doing something artsy.

swine flu

squirrels and me.

i feel like i'm a terrible boyfriend.....but there is this happening in the world. maybe there is balance.

rock hudson & bea arthur

singing about drugs.

be careful what you wish for....

so i have been feeling like i want time alone. and tonight i have it, but it's not what i want. which makes me think it's what i need. it just doesn't feel good. i just feel so fuckin' anxious. all i want to do is escape myself, but i can't. i can't even seem to get drunk. i guess that's a good thing. i dunno. i want to rip my skin off. slip into a state of unconsciousness so i don't have to feel. geez. i feel like such an angsty teenager. all i want to do is self destruct. why is that my default? fuck. i feel so alone. and helpless. it's this tired old feeling of my youth that i can't seem to escape. no matter how much work i do on myself, i am still this insecure little boy. unsure of anything that i'm doing. feeling like everything i do is wrong. nothing i do is good enough. cool enough. just enough. you know i thought i had learned to deal with change and insecurity. but at my core i am just insecure and lame. i feel like i work so hard, but for what? nothing seems to change. i feel so nihilist. so unworthy.

irrationally....

anxious and jealous. i can't shake this feeling and it's kinda paralyzing. i feel like a total nut job. i can't focus. i am lashing out. i'm totally mad at myself for feeling like this. i feel guilty for having these irrational feelings. they are totally unfounded. but for whatever reason i have been triggered. hard. all i want to do is drink into oblivion. do anything so i don't feel anything. cuz if i don't feel anything, then i can't feel hurt. i am too fuckin' old to feel like this. lame.

maybe i should just run away

definitely feeling like that would make me feel less trapped. but i've gone that route before and no matter how far i run, i'm still stuck with myself.

trapped

i'm feeling a little bit trapped by my life right now. i don't know what i need to do to change it. but it needs to change a bit soon.

a little bit of heartache.

i don't know what's going on. but the world is kinda depressing me. in the last 2 months, 2 young kids have committed suicide from being bullied at school and being called 'gay'. (and by young i mean 11 years old) wtf?!?! what the hell is it going to take for adults to take bullying seriously?

almost got shot

oh yeah, i almost forgot.....we almost got shot in nyc. we were walking to the train station when we heard 'pop! pop! pop!' m hid by a mailbox. z apparently spun in circles. and i just froze. then these guys came running around the corner. we turned and walked the other way down the block. and as we were walking, we saw across the street that one guy was kneeling above someone on the ground yelling 'stay with me! stay with me!'

we thought maybe they tried to rob the bodega and the guy in the bodega shot him. but when we got back from the city later that night, we figured out it was a gang situation. there was a memorial set up on the corner.

so freakin' crazy.

wtf?!??!!?

apparently this is a real ad......le sigh.

the end is coming

it's coming to the end of my vacation and i don't want to go home. i don't want vacation to end. it's been so much fun running around the city all week. i just don't wanna go. but at the same time, i do miss home. i miss my bed. there is nothing like a good vacation to make you appreciate how great home really is. i do think that you should go on vacation with friends. it's loads of fun. but yes. vacation is coming to an end and i am heading back to reality. i love seeing my besty. she's the best. just wish we could have actually spent more time together doin' stuff.

quick breakdown of this week...working backwards....from twitter.....

1. Don't really want to go home
2. getting chinese food delivered tonight. yay! i love delivery!
3. this vacation has been so much fun. i love vacations!
4. Not one but two
5. the week has finally caught up to this old man. relaxin' in brooklyn tonight.
6. Covered in bits of the city today
7. The pastrami sandwich was delicious
8. There is a grown man wearing am elmo baseball hat on the train tonight
9. Is tonight the night for katz's pastrami sandwich?
10. Motorcity bar in the lower east side where the lights are bright and the music is loud
11. It was a beautiful spring day in the city today.
12. Apparently people get grumpy on vacation too
13. Karaoke at 'The oldest black owned non discriminating club' in brooklyn
14. There is beer and house music everywhere
15. oh yeah, finally got a much needed haircut. no more mohawk...now it's a wallstreet 'do.
16. Tonight was an early night
17. 'livin on a prayer' at the stonewall
18. What is a disney queen?
19. Meeting up with all the cali kids in nyc
20. At the stonewall inn listening to michael jackson
21. There is nothing like vacation to make you appreciate home
22. Barcade in williamsburg tonight
23. At 'one of the top 5 kitchiest restaurants in america'
24. Just spotted: the creepy couple from real housewives
25. looking at apts and jobs in nyc. can i really afford to live here?
26. 5 shots for $10
27. Just got turned down at a bar because of my baby face
28. Going to get west indian food in brooklyn
29. Vacations mean late night fun
30. On a night time subway adventure
31. Vacation time = fun times...
32. Landed in nyc! Let the vacation fun begin!

lighter....

after checking myself and checking in with my staff, i feel better. i realized that hearing their stories are triggering my own issues of things that have happened in my past. things that i thought i had dealt with. but for whatever reason are coming up again. it all leads to the lesson of letting go. i really need to get that into my soul.

realization....

so i realized concretely today why i've been such a stress case and why i have been so frustrated and angsty feeling. i am really worried about one of my young staff. i feel really helpless around her in the sense that i know that i can't fix her life, but i really want to. i either want to fix it all for her or shake her really hard so she realizes what she needs to do to make her life work differently. i dunno. i haven't slept well the past few nights because of this. i can fall asleep pretty easily, but then i wake up and have weird restless sleep. i don't want to get up in the morning and am pretty grouchy. i guess part of my time away from the bay will be to get a little perspective on what i need to do to support her. i can see how amazing she is and i just want her to see it too.

printer vs. bin

nahid wants this to happen here.....

death and taxes

wtf?!@?!? how the hell do i owe so much money in taxes? apparently the government is gonna screw me this year. fuck. i guess working 2 jobs and going to school was not really worth it. gr.

where is everyone?

all my online buddies have been gone for the last few days. it makes me think they are not at work and are out playing in the sun. i'm so jealous!

fried day

wow. i'm already so overwhelmed today. have actually been overwhelmed since i left the house. this is so uncalled for. it's friday fer crissakes! it's beautiful out. it's spring! i should feel footloose and fancy free, dammit. blech. i really need to work on this complain-y ness and cranky-ness. i'm bored with me being like this.

ok.....so starting now. a lot less complaints and cranks. :)

hamster on a piano

ummm.....wtf?!?! hahahaha!

35 years

so yesterday was my parents' anniversary. they have been married for 35 years! it's really crazy. especially considering how much they get on each other's nerves. yeah, so i went home to see them and have dinner. everything was great through dinner and dessert. and then they started to get into a fight. so i left. i just can't watch it anymore. and luckily, i'm old enough now that i can go to my own house. maybe i just ran away, but i've had to deal with their weird fighting my whole life. and i've always been deliberately put in the middle of it. i guess it shows growth that i can walk away from it.

cleaning the inner sludge

VIRGO (August 23-September 22): None of this is terribly pleasant or easy, I'm afraid. (Though, if I'm wrong, I'll happily exchange my accuracy for your easy pleasure.) In my imagination of your current state, Virgo, you are the pipe underneath the proverbial kitchen sink that's had one too many pans of bacon grease poured down your tubes… and you're presently being scraped, prodded and probed by the equivalent of the cosmos' Roto-Rooter man. How on earth could that be comfortable? Yet, as the caked-on crap is, slowly and surely (or was that slowly and painfully?), being excised from your psychic cavities, you are receiving an incredibly deep cleanse. To make the most of it then (and to make it go as quickly as possible), you mustn't hold on to those residual bits of experiences once enjoyed or endured, as if to let them go would be the same as to erase your memories—or as releasing other people from their responsibilities in creating those memories. This is a hyper-super-Aries moment, my dear… and Aries types hardly hold onto anything, as long as there's somewhere new and exciting to move toward. Why look back? Please surrender to that celestial pipe-cleaner currently being forced through your innards, all the while repeating the same notions to yourself over and over in your head. Let go. Release. Embracing the concept definitely assists in the actual discharge.

quick updates for this week

1. had a weird stomach thing the other day and felt like my insides were trying to crawl out. puked at work. went to doctor. went home.
2. the parkway is closing and apparently everyone i know wants to know the inside scoop. all i know is that they told the public before telling the staff and that is just bad business.
3. i am very excited about going to nyc to play.
4. i am hoping that everyone i love is doing well and taking care of themselves.
5. i am tired of having weird illnesses that completely take me down. is this my punishment for quitting smoking???!?!?
6. i am very glad it is springtime and the sun is shining. it makes the days feel so much better and manageable.
7. i am going to save money to learn how to ride a motorcycle this year. fer reals!

how hot is this?!!?!

so randomly, i found these straight razors online. i want one so bad!

love poo

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Years ago a Polish scientist toiling in Antarctica was consumed with longing for a woman he'd left behind in his home country. Spilling over with the desire to express his adoration, he gathered a mass of penguin dung and used it to spell out a large "M" on the frigid ground. It was the first letter of his girlfriend's name, Magda. To this day, two species of flowering plants have thrived in that M-shaped area, fed by the fertilizing power of the dung. Your assignment in the coming week, Virgo, is to create something equally enduring and unique for someone you care for deeply.

muddled

my brain is swirling. my emotions are outta wack and i feel like i'm swirling. i am trying to grab ahold of whatever is around me, but i think that all i really need to do is get ahold of myself. i'm trying. it's hard to do battle with yourself to reset your defaults.

harmful or helpful?

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The foxglove plant can either be a hex or a healer. If you eat its flowers, your heart rate will zoom to a dangerous rate and your digestive system will go haywire. If, on the other hand, you have certain cardiac problems and partake of the foxglove's leaves, they will steady and strengthen your heart. I bet you can think of several influences in your life whose powers can be equally contradictory. According to my reading of the omens, it's an excellent time to get very clear about the differences, and take steps to ensure that you'll be exposed as little as possible to the negative effects.

note to self

listen more and talk less.

super mario fun

so very, very clever! thanks boingboing.

nanerpus

i am obsessed with this commercial. i don't know why.

meltdown

so apparently i cannot drink whiskey for a while. i have been a hot mess all night long. i can't stop crying. i can't stop blaming myself. i can't stop the asian guilt. i've stopped smoking. maybe i need to stop drinking for a while too. i'm totally outta control emotionally. the more i try to 'control' my emotions, the more they take over my life. i have been crying all night and blaming myself and i don't know what to do. and drinking whiskey is not helping matters. obviously. i have now been puking and crying for several hours now. this is ridiculous. i need to take responsibility for myself....and love myself....we'll see. asian guilt runs deep, but i'm working on getting over it. one step at a time.

collaboration

things for me to keep in mind this week.

VIRGO (August 23-September 22): What I most sincerely hope for you right at this moment, Virgo, is the realization of your inescapable interconnectedness with those most closely around you. While realizing you need other people and they need you too may not seem like the most life-altering epiphany you could invite (since, well, of course you know that already), some of its finer implications may require additional consideration on your part. For instance, when it comes to the mountainous mound of work you're neck-deep in tackling (see last week), you're going to have to accept the reality that the final outcome is beyond your sole control. You can sink your all-time world's-highest-quality effort into your part, yet the manner in which fellow participants assume their necessary roles in the process is a variable you cannot manipulate to your desired ends. Thus, the endeavor's broader success is reliant on more than just your dutiful labor (which isn't in question anyhow, is it?)—it depends on your ability to work well with others, to factor their responsibilities and opinions into your outlook, and to adjust your expectations so they suit a collaborative approach. And your sanity, therefore, hinges on not obsessing over the details that fall outside the realm of your management. I repeat: You cannot control the entire final outcome, only your part. Over the coming weeks, you'll find this notion of shared responsibility popping up in multiple arenas across your life.

hostility abounds

wow. i feel so aggro and grumpy and mad. i can't seem to shake this feeling. it's been hanging around me for a while now, but i've been hiding it under the guise of being nice. i dunno. maybe it's just my disease-addled brain. my fuse feels very short these days and i don't know what to do to change that. i don't know how to release this weird angsty, angry feeling inside. i have been drinking a bit to dull the feeling and fake myself out with drunken euphoria, but as we all know from my past, that doesn't work in the long term. i dunno. maybe i'm trying to change too much right now with the quitting of cigarettes, the no carbs and the sickness. i'll work it out somehow. i always do.

depresso

being sick for so long is making me feel really depressed and inadequate. lame.

crayon art

how cool is this! it's made with crayons. check out this for more stuff by this guy.

sickie

so i got the plague about 2 weeks ago. i ended up passing it on to the rest of the staff at work. i finally got better and now i have another cold. it's definitely not as bad as the plague was, but i'm not feeling well. my head is all fuzzy and i can't focus my eyes really. i hate being sick. anyways, after getting the plague, i stopped smoking. i haven't had a cigarette in almost 3 weeks. it seems like i was 'healthier' when i was smoking. lame. i'm just grouchy now.

low point

i get the feeling that i am too dumb to go to grad school.

superbugs

apparently i have the power to breed superbugs in my body that are strong enough to wipe out an entire staff, save one. i don't know what happened. i have basically been laid out for the past 4-5 days. i don't really remember much of what has happened. all i know is that i am grateful that my skin doesn't hurt anymore. everything hurt. my skin, my hair, my lungs, my everything. and now not everything hurts, which is nice. although, today, i should probably eat something. i think the only thing i've ingested all day has been robitussin.

who's on first?

for that baker babe

i just finished this for my friend aspen. she started the organization exhale which i have written about before. so yeah, i have smarty, mc-smarty pants friends.

why is this my horoscope for this week?

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): "If you removed all of the homosexuals and homosexual influence from what is generally regarded as American culture," said author Fran Lebowitz, "you would pretty much be left with [the TV game show] 'Let's Make A Deal.'" That's an exaggeration, of course, but it contains a large grain of truth. I offer this as a prod for you to deepen your understanding of the complexities of gender, Virgo. Astrologically speaking, it's an excellent time to do so. If you identify yourself as a heterosexual, meditate on the qualities you express that are commonly thought of as the specialty of the opposite sex. Consider the possibility that you are actually 65 percent female, 25 percent male, and 10 percent neither, or maybe 15 percent female, 70 percent male, and 15 percent transgender. If you regard yourself as gay, explore the hypothesis that a part of you is secretly kind of straight. Open your mind to the possibility that human beings come in hundreds of different genders.

parentheses

by the blow.....

happy year of the ox

The OX year is a conservative year, one of traditions and values. This is not a year to be outrageous. A slow but steady year.

This OX year will bring stability and growth where patience and diligence pays off.

This is a year of Harvest - when we reap what we have sown. Take care of business this year, do not let things slide.

apparently, for me this means:

If you were born in the year of the RABBIT:
The year of the OX is well suited to the rabbit nature. The slower pace of this year will see you spending more time with friends and family. A good year to upgrade your home, or for buying or selling a house.

surgery, family, tradition, growth

quick bullet points of my brain right now:

1. thinking about top surgery again
2. keep hitting the wall of tradition when i think about coming out to my parents/family
3. thinking about hormones
4. worried about how to pay for surgery
5. worried about how my parents are gonna react
6. worried about how my extended family is gonna react
7. worried about how my extended family is gonna treat my parents
8. wondering how this is gonna change my relationship
9. basically stressing out a little bit right now

peanut butter jelly time

i have recently been playing this song at work. i think to annoy my co-workers, but also because i think it's funny. maybe i'm losing my mind from working so much. at least today is friday.

early birds are cranky birds

so i have gotten up early every day this weekend. if it's not one thing, then it's another. and tomorrow is the inauguration. we are having an inauguration party at work starting at 7 am. but i have to go get coffee for the party before hand. so i will be getting up ass early. it's weird. i can't seem to get to sleep in unless i leave town.

also, i have gotten a new little side gig to do a postcard for a friend of mine. it's nice to have some marketable skills that can earn me some extra cash. since i've been on a spending kick, at least i have the income right now to back it up.

but yeah....i need to get to bed soon so i can get up on time!

it's early....

and i am sitting in my car outside of laney waiting for my girl to take her test, so i'm stealing wireless from the oakland museum. yep. i haven't been up before 10 am on a saturday in a while.

but other than that, things are looking good in my world. i think i am committing to try to be more social this year. last year i had no time, but now i do. so i'm going to try to see my friends more often. also, this year, i really need to get back into doing something artistic. it's time. i guess overall, i feel a little more centered with the start of this new year and i actually feel like i'll be able to do stuff besides just work. it's a very nice feeling.

2009 is gonna be fine!

donate if you can!

my friend is going to do the aids/lifecycle this year in memory of her mom. if you want to support her, go HERE

heat miser

according to my boss, i am the heat miser. mostly because of my hair. in reality i'm more like the snow miser.....

fucked up ending to year of the rat

so much fucked up shit has happened in the last few weeks and it's pissing me off and making me really anxious.

1. isreal started bombing palestine.
2. isreal started a ground attack on palestine.
3. my friends got robbed.
4. bart police shot an unarmed young man in the back who was face down on the ground.
5. my friends had a fire in their house.
6. my friend's aunt just died.
7. a lesbian was gang raped in richmond
   
8. the protest for the shooting by bart police broke up into riots last night where the police had to use tear gas, shit was set on fire, and businesses were vandalized.
9. watching the real world and seeing someone refer to the transwoman as 'it'.
   

it's just craziness. i just feel really overwhelmed and bit sad about everything. it all kinda hit me really hard. but i do think that this next year, the year of the ox, will be one of steady movement and not so much abrupt chaos. we'll see.

a bit groggy

so after being on vacation for 2 weeks, it's very hard to come back to work. and of course, this year is starting with long work days again. i was at work yesterday for almost 11 hours. and now today, i started my day at 8 am. i am going to try to cut out early today, but i dunno. i have so much work to do. but yeah, 2 weeks off really rocks. i had a great time in lala land. disneyland was really crowded, but fun. we got to go on about 10 rides. i haven't been there in so long, it was kinda weird.

but i think that the next vacation should be someplace tropical. i'm thinking hawaii......but we'll see.