swine flu

squirrels and me.

i feel like i'm a terrible boyfriend.....but there is this happening in the world. maybe there is balance.

rock hudson & bea arthur

singing about drugs.

be careful what you wish for....

so i have been feeling like i want time alone. and tonight i have it, but it's not what i want. which makes me think it's what i need. it just doesn't feel good. i just feel so fuckin' anxious. all i want to do is escape myself, but i can't. i can't even seem to get drunk. i guess that's a good thing. i dunno. i want to rip my skin off. slip into a state of unconsciousness so i don't have to feel. geez. i feel like such an angsty teenager. all i want to do is self destruct. why is that my default? fuck. i feel so alone. and helpless. it's this tired old feeling of my youth that i can't seem to escape. no matter how much work i do on myself, i am still this insecure little boy. unsure of anything that i'm doing. feeling like everything i do is wrong. nothing i do is good enough. cool enough. just enough. you know i thought i had learned to deal with change and insecurity. but at my core i am just insecure and lame. i feel like i work so hard, but for what? nothing seems to change. i feel so nihilist. so unworthy.

irrationally....

anxious and jealous. i can't shake this feeling and it's kinda paralyzing. i feel like a total nut job. i can't focus. i am lashing out. i'm totally mad at myself for feeling like this. i feel guilty for having these irrational feelings. they are totally unfounded. but for whatever reason i have been triggered. hard. all i want to do is drink into oblivion. do anything so i don't feel anything. cuz if i don't feel anything, then i can't feel hurt. i am too fuckin' old to feel like this. lame.

maybe i should just run away

definitely feeling like that would make me feel less trapped. but i've gone that route before and no matter how far i run, i'm still stuck with myself.

trapped

i'm feeling a little bit trapped by my life right now. i don't know what i need to do to change it. but it needs to change a bit soon.

a little bit of heartache.

i don't know what's going on. but the world is kinda depressing me. in the last 2 months, 2 young kids have committed suicide from being bullied at school and being called 'gay'. (and by young i mean 11 years old) wtf?!?! what the hell is it going to take for adults to take bullying seriously?