wish

the moon

sitting in my friend's backyard today, rocking on her swinging bench lulled me into a nice state of relaxation. i looked up and noticed the moon winking back to me in the afternoon sky. and i had this thought. my former name means goddess of the moon. and in thinking about that, i realized i have always been fascinated by the moon. i think it's beautiful. it is always there kinda keeping an eye out for me. it watches over me. but then i also realized that the moon doesn't have it's own light source. i mean, the sun is a celestial, burning ball of energy and emits a crazy amount of light and energy. but the moon, the beautiful moon, doesn't emit anything. it reflects the light of the sun. it uses what's already there to guide us through the night. also in thinking about it more, and realizing the moon affects all the tides and oceans on earth is a powerful thing for something that doesn't emit energy. just it's presence is necessary to keep the earth on it's access. apparently the earth has a slight wobble that the moon's presence corrects. that's some powerful shit.

high highs and low lows

all the events of today has touched my raw skin and soul. i heard this song on the radio today and it reminded me of different times. it also reminds me of how things are. things are what they are. moments are fleeting. but all the moments put together make up my life. i am what i am and i am who i am because of these experiences. i have been moved and i have also moved.

such great heights
by the postal service

I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
True, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home

They won't see us waving from such great
Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
'come down now,' but we'll stay...

I tried my best to leave this all on your
Machine but the persistent beat it sounded
Thin upon listening
That frankly will not fly. you will hear
The shrillest highs and lowest lows with
The windows down when this is guiding you home

life and death

today has been a really stressful day. it started off fine enough. the usual getting up and going to work. i had to sit in on interviews. you know, usual, kinda boring. but ok.

but then something really crazy happened. a man plummeted to his death in the street right in front of my building. the first report we read reported that it was a suicide. that fuckin' triggered a bunch of my own shit. it made me so fuckin' sad. i couldn't believe it. i mean, i've definitely been at the brink. but i've always managed to hold back from crossing that final line. so i understand how you can get to that point. it also made me think that it could have been me. it made me cry. it made me think of all the things i want to accomplish in my life. it made me think about things i'm grateful for in my life. but it also made me want to finish any unfinished business. i don't want to leave without saying goodbye. i don't want to leave people wondering....

i watched as they gathered up his body to put into a body bag and load him into the coroner's van. i saw his face. mangled and still. i saw his shoes which had come off, lying in the street. i saw the blood pool on the street where his head had landed. i saw his friend distraught on the sidewalk.

later on we found out that it was a construction accident and he had fallen from the 14th floor. that doesn't make it better or different.

a man died today in front of my building. and mere hours afterwards, all evidence of it had been washed away. the police line was taken down. the cops and rescue workers gone. the blood washed off the street. no evidence that anything had happened this morning.

going back to responsibility vs. blame

so it's interesting for me to be learning how to take responsibility for my actions and words and not take the blame. as a chinese-american i grew up in a house of guilt and shame. so basically learning to take the blame for every blessed thing that happens either in the house and/or in the world.

it's a fine line for me to learn to take responsibility. it's hard and it sucks. but taking the blame is also hard and sucks. but for me taking the blame can lead to really unhealthy and harmful thoughts/feelings/actions. i get down on myself for everything about me. it spirals out of control and then i end up where i was a few weeks ago, hanging on by a thread.

i can apologize for my actions but i can't take them back. i guess, i'm really having to learn to just be responsible and intentional before i act or speak. that way i won't have to feel like i have to 'undo' the past, which can't be undone. it is what it is. i can't change the past. i can just be more present and hope for a future.

impulse control. it's hard. but i'm trying. all i can be is where i'm at. i can't wish myself into the future. i can't wish myself to be a different person. i can just go along my way and work towards being a different kind of person and just accept that i am where i am. and i guess hope that people can just see that i am where i am and i am who i am in this moment and not hold it against me. i also need to just see that for myself and be ok with it.

i can change and i am changing. i just need to be patient with myself and everyone else.

ok...this post is getting a bit rambly and it's getting to be 2 am again...so i'll just end with my favorite line from slaughterhouse 5. so it goes....

words? english?

ok, so i realized, or rather, i know that i'm not really good with words. it probably has to do with being scarred by being an esl kid in a 99% white, upper, middle class suburb. except where i grew up, they called it 'speech therapy', which pathologized the entire experience for me, instead of normalizing it. they didn't recognize that it was a cultural/social issue and not a medical issue. also, to further stigmatize me, i had to be pulled out of 'regular' class to go to 'therapy'. and since i was the only who had to go, it isolated me that much more. so, in order to rebel, i usually yelled at the speech therapist or refused to talk. needless to say words are hard for me.

(as a side note, i think it's funny how i had to go ask my friends to help me with the word pathologize to help me with this post.)

anyways....all that was to explain why i keep putting song lyrics up. they capture the mood and feeling of my moment. i can take pictures and sometimes sketch stuff. and i'm killer at making collages, but words is where i falter.

and maybe i still don't fully understand words, but this song makes me feel both sad and hopeful, which i guess is where i'm at.

and now for the lyrics:

"Set The Fire To The Third Bar"
(feat. Martha Wainwright)
by Snow Patrol

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My finger in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have traveled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming, pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep in

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
And I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
and I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

the world is mine

by hooverphonic

Inhale the joy
Inhale the fun
Now it’s time for me to get on top
Of the world

Inhale the music and the warmth
The crowd is ready to bring me to the top
Of the world

(chorus)
Cause the world is mine
I won’t stop this time
Cause the world is mine
And I’m feeling so divine

I’m part of this illusive show
Time for me to get on stage
Lights fade

Tomorrow you’ll be at my feet
Saturated senses set me free
It’s all I need

The world the world is mine
And I’m feeling so divine

mix-master

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You're capable of pulling off some
unprecedented mixing and matching in the coming weeks, Virgo. You
could figure out a way to blend oil and water, metaphorically speaking.
And you might find a logical loophole that allows you to reasonably
compare apples and oranges. But those examples represent only the most
obvious ways your skills at juxtaposition could work. You might also, for
example, be a matchmaker for the son of a Saudi Arabian oil magnate and
a Jewish goth performance artist, or convince the Dalai Lama to have a
summit with Paris Hilton.

hippie-fication

apparently i'm becoming a hippie. what the hell happened??!?!? i thought i was all hard-core. but really i'm a big softie. i am all about nature and alternate 'religions' or schools of thought. i have been reading a lot of buddhist texts and i've been doing pilates. i'm carrying two friggin' stones in my pocket every day. i am trying to only eat organic, healthy foods. although i do have a weak spot for stinky cheeses. it's interesting. i realized that my mom has basically raised me as a buddhist, but we didn't go to temple or do anything super ritualistic. i guess i finally heard her when she was talking about not being 'extreme'. it got me thinking and so i looked into buddhism and it's all about the 'middle way'. i guess that helps to explain why i'm always trying to find some sort of balance in my life.

i'm finding my own way and trying to be 'comfortable' with chaos. i have been trying to put myself into really 'uncomfortable' situations to see what i'm like. it's an interesting personal social experiment.

anyways....yeah.....hippie.....it's happening......