manhood???

what does it mean to be a man? i am struggling with this. i realized a while back that some behaviors that were ok as a 'woman' are not ok now. perceptions are false. i can't control what others see but i can't live in fear. jokingly punching the shoulder of my female friends now is not seen in the same way. the other day at radio shack i was called ma'am. it kinda threw me. was my shirt too tight? sports bra not tight enough? i don't like binding. i like to breathe. but safety. what is safety? for me, every time i'm in the bathroom i have a moment of 'is my chest showing? what do they see today?' those moments are shorter and fewer, but i still carry them. every month i am reminded by my biology that i am not what people see. but i see it. this contradiction.

balance. it's a fine line.

finally woken

by jem

Finally Woken, Finally Woken

I've been thinking ‘bout things
For a long while
I'm feeling so calm
I've got a big smile
I have a view of the sun
Right over the sea
And now I can feel
Life is flowing through me

You see I've finally woken
From a long sleep
I'm ready to jump
To make that blind leap
Coz I now believe
I have the power in me
I've got the faith baby
I can truly be free

Finally Woken
Finally Woken

Child don't worry it's ok
The sun is out for another day
And I say it'll be alright
[be alright]
Today's the first day of the
rest of your life
Remember, remember,
remember this, remember

Child don't worry it's ok
[I've got a big smile/I feel good]
The sun is out for another day
[someone's shining on me]
And I say it'll be alright
[be alright]
Today's the first day of the
rest of your life
Remember Remember
Remember this Remember

Child don't worry it's ok
The sun is out for another day
Today's the first day of the
rest of your life
And I say it'll be alright
[be alright]
Remember, remember,
remember this, remember

Finally Woken
[I've got a big smile/I feel good]
Finally Woken
[someone's shining on me]
Finally Woken
[I've got a big smile/I feel good]
Finally Woken
[someone's shining on me]
And I say it'll be alright, be alright
And I say it'll be alright, be alright

woozy

so apparently multi-tasking for many hours in a row has made me slightly woozy. i was on the 2 different phones and researching things on the internet and writing an email for a while today. after doing that, i feel spacey and lightheaded. work is bad for you is what i'm learning from this experience. or is that i should not try to do so much at once? who knows. i got shit done today and it's good. so now i can go play tonight and enjoy myself. yay for weekends. and this one is filled with a lot.

process

i'm really internalizing how everything is a process. and for me, i'm just letting it all happen. things are going to go how they are going to go. i have goals and ideas of things i wanna do, but the road to those goals is not going to be what i 'plan'. plans never work out how you want them to. so, i'm letting it happen. i'm just realizing that i don't have control over anything and i'm ok with that. just trying to be in the present. life is good. i feel good.

stepping back is really good sometimes. i have also realized a change in my relating to my parents. as many people know i've had a very strained and anger filled relationship with my parents for the last 15 years or so. and recently i've begun letting go of the anger and resentment i felt towards them. i'm coming to a different place of understanding with them and where they come from. so i've been able to have really nice, non-stressful interactions with them. i have even begun to tell them some things about my life. it's really nice....and freeing.

also, getting a massage every week has helped me to get more in tune with my body. i'm realizing how my body reacts during different times of emotions and stress. i'm trying to learn all the links to all the parts of me. so far it has been a really interesting process. i'm hoping to strengthen myself to be able to handle life differently.

all in all though. i'm really happy with process. love, love, love.

stuffed

awesome!

treehouse bandit

so i've moved into a new place and i love it. i'm now calling it the 'treehouse'. cuz it's the best treehouse in the world. and today i finally got my dsl working. it's been interesting to be disconnected. it was kinda nice. yeah, i had the interweb at work, but apparently right now i have a lot of work to do. what with doing a 1000 piece mailing and coordinating our office move in the midst of working out my own house move while housesitting for a friend. nuts i tell you! nuts! so yeah, i love my new house. i love that there are billions of plants on the staircase. i love that we have a vegetable garden. i love my neighbors. it's great. bessie has her own little house too. yep. process. life is a process.

transfer

Do the Right Thing...Sesame St. Style

i love this.

hogzilla

this is ridiculous and frightening, yet i wonder.....how much bacon would this hog make?