hostility

so i consciously realized at work that i have a lot of hostility right now. it's kind of undirected hostility. i don't know what i'm feeling hostile about. it could be any number of things....the fact that i had to turn down a job because of time constraints, the fact that i'm committed to job that isn't really worth the amount of energy that i'm putting into it, the fact that i'm working so much and don't have time for myself, not sleeping.....

but i know that right now i need a way to dispel this hostility. i think i need to start going on walks again or at least doing something physical, so i can get rid of some of this excess energy. we'll see....

appreciations

so i think it's time for me to make a list of things that i am appreciative of in my life. sometimes life gets really hectic and we get caught up and forget to take the time to appreciate how full and rich our lives are. so this is me taking a moment to appreciate the beauty and wonder of my life...

i appreciate:
the fact that i am healthy
i have a place to call home
i have a fantastic girlfriend who pushes me to grow and can call me out on my bullshit and also will put up with my bullshit
i have a community of friends who have supported and loved me in my times of need
i have the opportunity to give back to my community of friends
i have a family that loves and cares about me, even if they don't understand me
i have the freedom to make my own decisions about my life
i love and am loved

what do i want?

so i have a lot on my mind recently. i can't really pin down concrete thoughts. just that i have had a general feeling of uneasiness. possibly the midsts of an existential crisis. i dunno. i am happy with my life for the most part. i guess i wish that i didn't work so much. but besides that i'm good. i am a little concerned that i am repeating some old patterns. i feel like it is still so much work to be honest. i guess after years of lying to myself and others, it's not something you can just stop doing instantaneously. i'm a little ashamed that at 32 i am still lying. it's the way i have trained my brain for so many years and now having to unlearn that and just be honest is a struggle. i'm still insecure too, so that is probably why i'm still a liar. i still want to try to make everyone else's life easier so i don't focus on myself. and the biggest lie to myself is that i still don't know what i want. i give other people what they want, but i'm not sure what i want. i feel like the things i want are not the 'right' thing. meaning it's not what other people want for me. i have spent a all my life trying to live up to other people's expectations. and those expectations are what i think i want, but they aren't. how do you break the cycle of living for other people? i'm still worried that if i don't do what other people want, then i will be letting them down. but really i end up letting myself down and so the cycle begins again. i was doing well last year in figuring out what i wanted and making lists and having those things happen. but now, i feel like it's work time for me to get some of the other things on my list and to make new lists that are current. so here goes...

what i want:
to finish school
get a job in the auto field
have a loving, mutually supportive relationship
be more honest with myself and others
come out to my parents as trans
figure out my next steps in terms of my transition, i.e. surgery, hormones
be clear with myself and my loved ones about my transition
work on having an active relationship with my blood family
go on vacation consistently during the year
make good decisions for myself
be more direct in terms of communication
keep in contact with my friends
spend time with friends
make peace with my past
not bring into or compare my past to current situations
live in the present
accept change as it comes
make art
spend quality alone time
eat healthy

i guess that is a good list to begin with. i know that this list will change but the goal is to remain true to myself.