meh

boo. i feel so blah. i don't know what to do with myself today. i have plans for later but for now i'm so blah. it's a beautiful day out; the sun is shining, it's warm, kinda breezy, you know beautiful. i just feel so angsty and it's making me feel down. i don't know. i can't do what i really want to do and it's driving me crazy. gr. so it goes.

so i don't know why this song goes with this post, but here it is:

missed me
by the dresden dolls

missed me missed me now you've got to kiss me
if you kiss me mister i might tell my sister
if i tell her mister she might tell my mother and my
mother, mister, just might tell my father and my father
mister he won't be too happy and he'll have his lawyer
come up from the city and arrest you mister
so i wouldnt miss me if you get me, mister, see?

missed me missed me now you've got to kiss me
if you kiss me mister you must think im pretty
if you think so mister you must want to fuck me
if you fuck me mister it must mean you love me
if you love me mister you would never leave me
it's as simple as can be!

missed me missed me now you've got to kiss me
if you miss me mister why do you keep leaving
if you trick me mister i will make you suffer
and they'll get you mister put you in the slammer and forget
you mister then i think you'll miss me won't you miss me
won't you miss me

missed me missed me now you've got to kiss me
if you kiss me mister take responsibility
i'm fragile mister just like any girl would be
and so misunderstood (so treat me delicately!)

missed me missed me now you've gone and done it
hope you're happy in the county penitentiary
it serves you right for kissing little girls but i will visit if you miss me
do you miss me? MISS ME??
how's the food they feed you??
do you miss me
will you kiss me through the window?
do you MISS ME? MISS ME??!!
will they ever let you go???
i miss my mister so!!!!

the little prince

'One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes....It's the time you spent on your rose that makes your rose so important....You become responsible for what you've tamed. You're responsible for your rose...'

i have been irresponsible and blind. my heart has been covered up by being a 'grown-up'. numbers and facts had become more important. i hope that i can see again. my heart is opening again.

the perfect fit

i am seeing how imperfect i am. i had forgotten and had a swelled ego about how great i am. but it's true. i am imperfectly perfect. not to say i'm not going to continue to do work on myself to change. it's just that it's a life process and i will always be in transition. and at each stage of my life i will always be imperfect. i can just be who i am and that is perfect. anyways, i feel like these lyrics capture that feeling. i do love myself and all my imperfections.


The Perfect Fit
By The Dresden Dolls

I could make a dress,
a robe fit for a prince.
I could clothe a continent,
but i can't sew a stitch.

I can paint my face,
and stand very very still.
It's not very practical,
but it still pays the bills.

I can't change my name,
but I could be your type.
I can dance and win at games
like Backgammon and Life.

I used to be the smart one,
sharp as a tack.
Funny 'bout how skipping years ahead
has held me back.

I used to be the bright one,
top in my class.
Funny what they give you when you
just learn how to ask.

I can write a song,
but I can't sing in key.
I can play piano,
but I never learned to read.

I can't trap a mouse,
but I can pet a cat.
No, I'm really serious!
I'm really very good at that.

I can't fix a car,
but I can fix a flat.
I could fix a lot of things,
but I'd rather not get into that.

I used to be the bright one,
Smart as a whip.
Funny how you slip so far when
teachers don't keep track of it.

I used to be the tight one,
the perfect fit.
Funny how those compliments can
make you feel so full of it.

I can shuffle cut and deal,
but I can't draw a hand.
I can't draw a lot of things,
I hope you understand.
I'm not exceptionally shy,
but I've never had a man
that I could look straight in the eye
and tell my secret plans.

I can take a vow,
and I can wear a ring,
and I can make you promises,but
they won't mean a thing.

Can't you just do it for me? I'll pay you well.
Fuck, I'll pay you anything if you could end this.

Can't you just fix it for me? It's gone berserk...
Oh, fuck! I'll give you anything if
you can make the damn thing work.

Can't you just fix it for me? I'll pay you well.
Oh, fuck! I'll pay you anything
if you could understand.
I love you will you tell me your name?
Hello, I'm good for nothing - will you love me just the same?

Just the same

lessons from boredom

so going along with my last post about learning from all my experiences, i need to learn from boredom. although i have a lot of projects and ideas right now and things i am currently working on, there are still moments of boredom. moments of 'nothing'. maybe it's not really boredom, but rather impatience. impatience to be moving forward to where i'm going, impatience with the process. well, there are worse things to have to learn from. so i guess i'll just have to learn to be patient and bored. so it goes.

night-time mania + thoughts

so apparently the night is when i feel the most 'alive' or rather manic. i may be exhausted all day and dragging through in my unfocused haze, but once night hits, i'm up. i mean, like 2 hours ago, i was falling asleep, but now i'm up and about. err....up and at the computer....i know i should go to sleep or do stuff to unwind, but i think that this mania is a way for me to decompress. it's an exhausting cycle, but i'm ok with it for now. it is what it is. i'm trying to make the most of the mania....researching things on the interweb, doing weird rituals, reading, drawing, painting, stenciling, pacing, you know whatever i want to do in whatever way i want to do it and for however long. i can be unfocused and ADD about everything. it's a time to be free. i rather enjoy it.

another thing that i have been trying to do is to put myself into as many uncomfortable and awkward social situations as possible. even if i have preconceived notions or judgments about the people or activities that may be happening, i'm trying to not let that cloud my experience. i'm also trying to not let whatever fear that may bring up in me to hold me back from at least trying. it's been interesting. i'm just trying to be more conscious about myself and what i do and how i am in the world. i'm seeing that everything is a learning experience and i'm trying to learn from each experience as it's happening, so i don't have a backlog of experiences to wade through. so it goes. it is what it is.

oh yeah, in addition, i want to remind myself that i am doing all these things for myself, but the true test will be to be able to maintain this while in a relationship. the true test for myself will be to see if i can maintain myself and my own growth while being with someone and creating a new life with them. to leave space for myself and to continue to do the things i am passionate about without losing my head by 'being in love'. they are not mutually exclusive ideas. i think they go hand in hand. we'll see.

brilliant ideas in the chaos

wow. so yesterday i realized i have so much shit to get done in the next four months. it's really kind of overwhelming and stressful. but it has to get done. i want to do it. but i also want it to be 6 months from now, after all the work has been done. so after realizing that the next four months of my life is going to be crazy and intense and filled with transitions, i came up with a brilliant idea. it's a huge project and it's gonna take a lot of time. time that i don't really have, but it's gonna happen. i don't want to say it out loud now, so i don't jinx myself. but believe me...it's huge. it's gonna be like giving birth. it's bringing to life a tiny seed of an idea. it kinda scares the shit outta me. it kinda stresses me the fuck out. but yeah, basically it's par for the course right now.

i feel nutty and i'm ok with that. i think i forgot that i can live in the chaos. it's reminiscent of my youth, but now i'm more conscious and thoughtful and intentional. let's just say that i'm more aware than when i was 19. i just wish i had 1/2 of the energy that i had back then. but then again, i guess my 'energy' back then was fueled by mass amounts of narcotics. and i don't want to go back there again. i'm just accepting that i am going to be exhausted all the time. maybe soon i'll get back on coffee, but for now i'm just gonna try to do it 'au natural'. so it goes.

cyndi fuckin' lauper!!!!!

so i recently found out that cyndi lauper is going to be playing a concert in berkeley, which made me SUPER *EXCITED*! i have always wanted to see her in concert. she is so cool. i mean, i was obsessed with her first album 'she's so unusual' when i was younger and i still love it. she just is so balls out and bold and inspiring. i really want to see her in concert before i die. it's just one of those things that i want to do.

so, needless to say, i almost peed my pants when i found out she was touring again. so i quickly looked up ticket prices and wanted to buy them.....but then.....i saw the prices. why the fuck are LAWN seats $115?!?!?!!! wtf!?!? to get an actual seat, the tickets are as much as $336!?!??!

so....unfortunately, this time around i will not be seeing cyndi lauper. oh and to top it off, i found out she is playing with erasure *and* debbie harry *and* the dresden dolls. so it goes.

marriage or game boy?

also...i want this

check it out here!

riding bikes and making movies

this video makes me feel so peaceful. it also is inspiring me to make a film. i have so many film ideas. i just need to do them.

technology dud

today has been an issue with technology for me. so it's kinda surprising to me that i'm writing on my blog. at any minute, my computer could fail. that's how i feel about technology today. i guess it's not that dramatic. i just feel kinda techno-dumb today.

so i agreed to help a friend with a computer issue today. basically she bought a new wireless modem/router that she needed to hook up. i agreed, thinking it wouldn't be that big of a task. i mean, i can usually figure it out. but today, probably because i had to get up at 5:30 am to be at work by 6:00 am, i'm a little slower than usual. basically, it took me 6 freakin' hours to do something that should have taken me like 15 minutes! also along the way, my cell phone decided to mysteriously shut down for like 10 minutes. grrrr......

anyways, it all worked out fine. i fixed the router and reconfigured it and my cell phone came back on. so all is fine.

fancy moves

so, this video is really inspiring. not only can these boys really dance, their outfits are super cute!