money flows

so this week, all my money is gone. it was nice to have a little bit of savings for my period of transition but now it's all gone. it goes so fast. i mean, i already put a shitload of money into my car this week to get it all fixed up for this drive to la-la land and then today, when i should already be on the road, i find that someone fuckin' smashed in a window. so now i'm waiting for the mobile glass guy to come by and fix my window. and that's a few more hundred dollars i don't have.

it's also interesting to note that this was my horoscope for today:
Money matters may be very much on your mind today, Connor. There may be a purchase you've been dying to make, perhaps involving art, beauty, or clothing, but you might have some doubt as to whether your financial condition can support such a move at this time. Be sure that you examine the situation carefully and don't jump to conclusions. You might be a bit more flush than you think.

i'm taking this horoscope to mean that i have more money than i think, but i've looked at my bank account and i'm not flush. who knows. the day is still young. i may get to la-la and find a shitload of money. so it goes.

ass kicking

so this week has really kicked my ass. i can't sleep at night, but can't stay awake during the day. i feel like i've been on drugs all week and it's not the kind that i like. anyways, i'm glad that this week is coming to a close and i can escape for a weekend adventure in la-la land. i have no idea where i'm gonna stay and i have no idea what i'm gonna do, but hey...i'm going. that's what's important. i want to sleep on the beach one night. and hopefully i can meet up with some friends. we'll see. i think it may be a lot of time spent alone on the beach. it'll be good for me though. since this summer is gonna be really intense, i'm gonna have to play just as intensely to balance it out. yay for summer. i just wish it could be a summer like when i was a kid. no responsibilities, no work....just playing and hanging out without a care in the world. one can dream. but i'm gonna make it my reality.

let go

so i am in a state of limbo. i just need to get used to it. it's hard to let go of a future that you had been working for and planning on. but then again. nothing stays the same. everything changes and you have to just roll with it. that's life i guess. transitions are hard for me, but i am getting more ok with them. i just have to be patient and open. everything happens how it's supposed to happen. i can't force my will onto any situation. the situation is what it is. and things are what they are. that is the way life is.

anyways, it just goes to show that i am letting go of fear. slowly but surely. pushing myself to do things i wouldn't 'normally' do. the only reason i don't do things is out of fear. and that's not really a reason. whatever i 'think' is going to happen has held me back in the past and now i'm trying to not think so much and trying to act more. being conscious of fear is one thing. letting it go is another. but only i can push myself to do let go.

speaking of letting go. i have a friend who has a tattoo that says 'let go' on her wrist and when she got it, i remember making fun of her for it. but now, i understand. so i kinda have to eat my words. but that's how it goes. live and learn.

nervous

so i just re-realized that girls make me nervous and scared. i turn into a red-faced, smiling baffoon....and then i run away. hot. real hot.

lipgloss be poppin'

this is why i love femmes!

who i was

i will never be who i was.

home

what does home mean? where is home? is it where you grew up? is it where you live now? what about nomads? i think home is wherever you are. wherever your heart is. home is where you love. so anywhere can be home as long as love is there. i guess what i'm saying is that finding home is finding love within you.

my recent obsession

music is fabulous. but also, what brought together timbaland, nelly furtado and justin timberlake?

listen up!

ok. so it was so nice to find out from my friend today that the advice/listening session i had with him last night actually helped. i guess stuff i said made my friend think about his life and how he is and he's worked it out for himself. yay! not only am i glad that my friend is finding his own strength and dealing with his old patterns, i'm glad that i was able to help him.

i'm still trying to be very conscious of when to just listen and when to give advice. and it makes my heart smile to know that i did good by my friend.

tasty art

fantasy-land no more

so, it's interesting what happens when you calm the fuck down and can see things clearly, free of all the stories you make up in your head. things are what they are and it's not so confusing. things aren't bad or good. they just are what they are. it doesn't mean i don't have feelings about them. but in looking at the reality of things, i can be really clear with myself about my feelings and thinking. it's nice to have clarity. it opens up the world to you and you to the world. trying to stay centered in all this is the challenge. it's good though. i feel good and comfortable with myself.

i also feel like i have been able to give some good advice to friends recently and that made me feel good. maybe not so much advice, but at least an ear for them to talk about their stuff. i love all my friends.

save room

by john legend

Say that you'll stay a little
Don't say bye bye tonight
Say you'll be mine
just a little of bit of love Is worth a moment of your time

knocking on your door just a little
so cold outside tonight
let's get the fire burning
oh I know, I keep it burning right

If you stay, won't you stay - stay

save room for my love
save room for a moment to be with me
save room for my love save a little
save a little for me
won't you save a little
save a little for me - ohh

This just might hurt a little
love hurts sometimes when you do it right
Don't be afraid of a little bit of pain
pleasure is on the other side

Let down your guard just a little
I'll keep you safe in these arms of mine
Hold on to me - pretty baby
You will see I can be all you need

If you stay, won't you stay - stay
[Save Room lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]


save room for my love
save room for a moment to be with me
save room for my love save a little
save a little for me
won't you save a little
save a little for me - ohh

[pa-ya-pa-pa] - [pa-ya-pa-pa] - [pa-ya-pa-pa] - [da-da-da]

Ohhh come on

Make time to live a little
don't let this moment slip by tonight
you never know what you are missing until you try
I keep you satisfied
if you stay, won't you stay - stay

save room for my love
save room for a moment to be with me
save room for my love save a little
save a little for me
won't you save a little
save a little for me - ohh

save room for love
save room for a moment to be with me
save a little, save a little for me
won't you save a little
save a little for me

roller coaster

trying to not get caught up in other people's stuff. and trying not to avoid my own stuff. this is hard and it's a roller coaster of emotions. there is this constant push/pull and i'm trying to find my middle way through it. so it goes.

major tom
by peter schilling

Standing there alone
the ship is waiting
all systems are go
are you sure?
control is not convinced
but the computer
has the evidence
"no need to abort"
the countdown starts

watching in a trance
the crew is certain
nothing left to chance
all is working
trying to relax
up in the capsule
"send me up a drink"
jokes Major Tom
the count goes on

4 3 2 1
Earth below us
drifting falling
floating weightless
calling calling home...

second stage is cut
we're now in orbit
stabilizers up
runnning perfect
starting to collect
requested data
what will it effect
when all is done
thinks Major Tom

back at ground control
there is a problem
go to rockets full
not responding
"hello Major Tom
are you receiving
turn the thrusters on
we're standing by"
there's no reply

4 3 2 1
Earth below us
drifting falling
floating weightless
calling calling home...

across the stratosphere
a final message
"give my wife my love"
then nothing more

far beneath the ship
the world is mourning
they don't realize
he's alive
no one understands
but Major Tom sees
now the life commands
this is my home
I'm coming home

Earth below us
drifting falling
floating weightless
coming home...
Earth below us
drifting falling
floating weightless
coming home...
Earth below us
drifting falling
floating weightless
coming coming home...
home.....

gayville

sun. rest. trees. gays.

sometimes you gotta just watch and sometimes you gotta act.