what am i?

no really. what am i? a boy or a girl? i just watched the 20/20 special that aired back in april of this year about trans kids. it made me cry. i think i jinxed myself earlier today by saying that i hadn't cried in a while. anyways, watching that show was really intense. it was amazing to see kids so young know what they are and be able to voice it. to put words to it. to demand it. and now to see how amazingly supportive their parents are of them. so i cried. i cried for the courage and strength each of those kids showed in the way they lived their lives. the courage they have for being able to say what they are. to demand respect for that. it also made me really sad for myself. i still have fear. i'm afraid to demand this for myself. i'm sad that i haven't had the courage to show myself to my parents. i'm sad that i can't talk about this with my parents. i'm afraid of talking to my parents about this. i'm afraid that i will never be able to fully be myself. and for all this, i am crying.

exhaustion

so i have been so busy with all the work that i have been doing that i feel like i've been really lonely and haven't had a chance to just be okay with that. all i wanted to do today was to stay in bed and read my book and at the same time go out and see all my friends. i have been working 15-16 hour days and haven't had time for much else. i feel like i haven't really been around my friends in a while, which isn't completely true, but it's how i feel. i actually spent a very nice sunday up in petaluma with friends. i guess i feel like i have so much limited 'free' time that i have to be really structured with my time and have weird time slots for hanging out with friends so i can still see them all. but then i forget that i need to spend some time by myself to be re-centered. which leaves the middle of the night for myself, but by then i'm so exhausted that all i can do is lay down and pass out.

but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. as of next friday, i will be continuing this transition in my life and i will only have 1 job and be back in school. although my 1 job will not pay all my bills, i have to get my hustle on. the good thing is that i have leads for a lot of contract jobs, so a few of them have to pan out. i always make it work out, so this time it won't be any different.

i guess it's just the sheer physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion that i am feeling. i'm ok with that. it is what it is.

50/50

so with all the changes and happenings and transitions in my life right now, i feel 50/50 about all of it. meaning i'm mixed between being excited and fearful. i keep thinking that i should try to up the excitement side of things, but i can't seem to do it. i'm content with it being 50/50. it's a nice balance. there is nothing to freak out about. true, i still have moments of panic, but they are fleeting. and then i just float back to being a bit of both. it's an interesting place to be. i guess this is what it feels like to feel centered. it's only strange feeling to me because it has never happened to me before. i'm a bit of an extremist, so having to sit in the middle is kind of unknown territory. apparently i can go from breakneck speed to calm and relaxed without much issue. it's strange and slightly disconcerting, but i think that is just because it is such a new feeling. how many people can say that they feel centered? is this 'normal'? i'm so used to feeling abnormal and sub-par that it's strange to feel so calm. well, i'm enjoying it and not fighting it. so i'll just go with it for now. i guess it's just life.

window from 8-12

so, yes finally after 2 months in my new apartment, i finally called and made an appointment with pg&e to get the pilot light lit on my stove. so i tried to light it myself, but couldn't and then when it came to messing with a gas line, i thought it would best to leave it to the professionals. i didn't want to blow up the treehouse so soon after moving into it. so that is what i get to do this morning instead of going to work. it's nice when your boss is so understanding and just lets you take the morning off to wait for pg&e. i love my boss and i'm gonna miss her when i leave in two weeks.....or rather a week and a half. yikes!

the awkward dance instructional video