nostalgia or exhaustion

today i feel like i miss my youth.  i am remembering the crazy, fun times we had.  but now everything has changed.  is this what growing up/old is about?  cuz this sucks rocks.  some of my best friends are no longer around.  i feel abandoned.  left out.  this may just be the exhaustion talking.  i am so tired i feel like i could vomit.  everything hurts today.

missing piece

somewhere along the way i have lost some of my dreams.  i used to have such crazy ideas and i would act on them and that lead to fantastic adventures and mishaps.  these days, i don't have those ideas anymore. i don't do crazy stuff.  i am not so carefree and fancy free.  i miss the old me.  i do like aspects of the new me, but i feel like i am missing some part of me.  i need to find that piece of me to feel whole.

apparently this is not the year for blogging....

i looked at my stats and this year i've only had 8 posts.  and now it's october.  where does the time go?  so much has happened this year, yet so much has also stayed the same.  i think the biggest thing has been starting T in june.  after that, it seems like the anxiety and stress of living has eased.  i'm much more comfortable and confident in myself.  so things have evened out.  i still need to tell my parents, but other than that glitch, things are moving along.  i'm preparing myself to start some sort of 'exercise' thing.  who knows.  all i know is i'm getting my bike in shape so the next step is for me to start using it.

how do you....

tell someone something that they don't want to hear?

people leave

but do they ever come back?

june 3

first day of T.  it's been a month and things are going good.  i feel much more leveled out.  more comfortable.  more confident.  not the extreme highs and lows i felt before.  this is a good thing.  now all i have to do is tell my parents.....

having an emo moment today.....

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

my mind is filled....

thinking about a bunch of stuff...

• work
• starting T
• coming out to my parents
• money
• getting served papers

i am exhausted.  i only have so much energy and right now i don't have any.  everything seems like it's too much to handle right now.  i am just spent.  i need to find a way to rejuvenate so i can deal with all this shit.

this too shall pass

i have been so sad and confused today.  i don't know what to do.  i want to go out and see the world and embrace all that it has to offer.  but i can't.  i just stay in my house.  sad.  scared.  confused.

2011

2011 has scrambled my brain.  i feel like i don't know which way is up or down.  i have gotten lost in the recesses of my mind in the last couple of days and have been fighting to get out.  i don't think i've gotten out yet.  it's messy in there.  nothing is logical.  it's all just a blur.

maybe i just need to feel fuzzy first before the clarity comes.

two days in

it's now 2 days into 2011 and i'm just baffled.  time has gone by so fast.  it also doesn't feel like a new year to me.  maybe i'm waiting for lunar new year; when it will be the year of the rabbit.  i still feel like hibernating.  maybe i got overstimulated in vegas.  maybe i'm getting old.  who knows.  we'll see what 2011 brings to me.