silver lining

by Amanda Ghost

Drawn to the violence of change
Charmed by the sentimental brave
I hear the door slam, I look the other way
I hate the small talk and the empty days
Silver lining I bathe in your light
I'll always believe in your place in my life
Silver lining I know that I'm right
I'll always believe in your right to shine
Scared of the things that people say
knowing my confidence might fail
I feel the world's weight upon my breaking back
I see uncertainty and the visible cracks
Silver lining I bathe in your light
I'll always believe in your place in my life
Silver lining I know that I'm right
I'll always believe in your right to shine

ch-ch-ch-changes!

it's a landslide of movement in my life. and i'm managing all of it. i kinda feel like i'm losing my mind and that i sound like a crazy person when i talk to people, but i guess i am like that. it's just been a while since it's come out. anyways, everything is working out and i love life. well, i generally have mixed feelings about everything, but i'm choosing to enjoy it all and also to let it all go. i am contradictions and so is life. it's all about movement and balance.

also, really, i'm trying to let go of expectations. cuz things never work out how you plan or expect. so without them, everything works out perfectly.

creepy baby

what the fuck is this? and why do i want one?

memories of velocity

pulse speed
mind velocity
can't stop
can't feel
alive to die
denial
kill slowly
fast forward
present

fridge friends

so i realized that i really like being able to just go to my friends' houses and raid their fridges. it's really rare these days that you can find friends like that. where it really is that their house is your house and yours is theirs. the level of comfort and familiarity that you have to have to be able to just show up at their house and raid their fridge. i miss it. so apparently i have to fly all the way to new york to do that. so come july....it's on. i need more fridge friends in the bay though. i love my peeps here and there are definitely some fridge friends in the works, but it makes me nostalgic for my other framily who isn't here right now.

new job

i can't wait to get a new a job.

technology is going to kill us

glumbert.com - Shift Happens

smoking & drinking horses

omigod. fuckin' hilarious!

bittersweet flexibility

so i'm getting used to the idea that life is bittersweet. and also getting used to being flexible. nothing ever turns out how you want it to. and no matter how great or grand of a plan you have, it most likely will not work out the way you want it to. but it does work out. it always does. i am learning to be in the middle and finding my balance. life knocks you off your center and to grow you have to continually learn and re-find your center. every moment of every day changes you and you will never be that person again. through all this too, i'm learning to not have any expectations. expectations just lead to disappointment and suffering. without expectations you are always pleasantly surprised. it makes things wonderful, even if in the moment you may hate it. that's the beauty of moments though. they all pass. so it goes.

diryt little secret

so i have a secret obsession with a tv show. i can't stop watching it. it's horrible. and gay. and drama. but yet, i can't get enough. it's workout on bravo. so fuckin' ridiculous.

the cascade effect

so when one thing changes in your life, everything else follows suit. it's kinda crazy. i mean, you can either stand by and watch all these things happen *to* you and play the victim or you can choose to make things happen. sometimes it's hard to see that you are making things happen. but once they happen, then they all come tumbling after. it's all worth it.

bodywork

so recently i have begun getting massages. initially i was thinking well, it'll help get out the kinks in my body that have been around for a long time. i know my body well enough to know where i carry my stress and which areas are kinda weak and stuff. so at least that is a start. anyways, today my masseuse and i were talking and a lot of interesting things came up that made me think.

let me just say that after my first massage, i was in so much pain and my head was so fuzzy and for like 4 hours afterwards, i couldn't stop crying. that was a fucking intense day. anyways, apparently now i'm actually able to feel the tension. and it doesn't hurt to get massaged anymore. my head is way less fuzzy when i'm done and i feel so much clearer. well, today, some interesting questions/thoughts were posed to me. one was 'when was a time when you felt 'big'?' i had a hard time answering that. i realized that for most of my life i have done what was 'expected' of me. i did what other people wanted and what other people thought i should do. the only time, i could think of that i didn't do that was when i finished college. but even now, it's kind of a mixed thought. because, yes, i wanted to finish college, so i pushed myself to do it. but there was still a part of me that did it for my parents. i did it out of anger. i mean, i liked what i studied and i got my degree and stuff, but i did it as a 'fuck you' to berkeley for kicking me out in the first place. i guess that's why i'm having such a hard time with my decision to go back to school now. it's something i want to do for me and it freaks me out. so much doubt. not enough to stop me from doing it. but i'm a little afraid.

the other thought was about my body. apparently my masseuse is using way more pressure on me and it doesn't hurt. i mean, it does hurt in places, but i don't feel bruised like after the first time. i guess, i am letting go of the stress and tension in my life and being more centered in my body. i'm realizing that sometimes the only way to get rid of stress is to do something physical. i went on a long ass walk this saturday and it felt good. i walked from my house at 35th avenue in east oakland to 60th and telegraph in north oakland. i just had to do something i don't normally do, so instead of getting in my car. i just started walking and walking. i had no direction really. i just had to walk. my friends are saying that i'm like forest gump. anyways, i had some interesting interactions along the way. i helped a lady take the seats out of her mini-van so she could go get beds for some foster kids she was getting. that made me feel good. she really appreciated it and even said 'it's rare in this day and age that people listen to you'. that was near the beginning of my walk. and then somewhere along telegraph, i passed by a group of 4-5 teenage girls and as i passed them i heard 'oooh, he's hella cute!' and then giggles. it made me smile and laugh inside. i mean, i was sweaty and had been crying for the past 24 hours, so i definitely did not feel cute. i was just out walking. anyways, it was a pleasant surprise and totally random.

so yeah, my goal is to try to do things i don't normally do and put myself into as many uncomfortable social situations as possible. maybe i'm trying to re-capture the spontaneity and randomness of my past. maybe i'm growing. maybe i'm being ok with the unknown. for whatever reasons it may be. i'm doing it.

dresden???

so for some weird reason dresden keeps coming up in my life right now.

so far it's come up at these instances:
-->reading slaughterhouse 5 by kurt vonnegut
-->the dresden dolls (my new favorite band)
-->finding out about prussian blue (scary white power folk singing twin teens)
-->mashup song by gabriel & dresden

but anyways, i have no idea why this keeps coming up. but i thought it was worth mentioning, apparently.

growing patterns

so something else i've thought about this week is patterns in my life. i'm trying to see patterns from my past to learn. for the past 5 years of my life i have been going through my saturn return. (hippie alert!) which means that basically saturn returns to the place in your chart when you were born. basically from about 28-31 or 32, you have to re-learn all the experiences of your life in order to move on to the next phase of your life. so for the past few years, i have been in the middle of this hell....and believe me it's hell. it's not fun. it's not good times. but it *is* necessary.

anyways, this week has sparked a visit to my past and i've now able to see some patterns that need examining. not to say that those patterns are wrong or fucked up. they were learning experiences and i need to figure out what lesson(s) were being shown to me. i have seen some stuff and i'm not quite sure yet what they mean. but hey...the first step is to see them. now i'm gonna figure out what they mean to me and my growing.

happy mother's day

so i just wanted to say happy mother's day to all the mother's out there, past, present and future. hope everyone had a fun, loving day.

i had lunch with my mom today and it was actually a nice meal and time. of course there was the usual stupid shit, but i didn't let it get to me. the more important thing was that i actually opened up to my mom for the first time in like 15 years and told her how i was feeling. it was nice. it was scary. it was good. she responded beautifully and was full of love and care. and when i left she gave me a real hug. not the usual one handed, slight pat on the back hug. but a full embrace which made me cry. it touched my heart. and i realized i really do love my mom and all that she has put up with from me. she still loves me and i still love her. through all the pain i may be feeling in this moment, i still feel love.

also, while i was at my parents' house, i looked through a bunch of baby pictures of myself. i generally can't remember a lot of my childhood, so i wanted to see some pictures of it. as a reminder to myself of a time when i was not so hurting. to be able to remember a time of innocence and wonder at the world. and i realized that in the pictures of me as an infant, there are a lot of pictures of me smiling and laughing and being free and starting after that, there are a lot of pictures of me looking pissed off or disinterested or sad. but one series of pictures i found reminded me of how i am. so i had a bunch of stuffed animals when i was young and every night i had to feed them before i could go to sleep. i would take a little cup and a plastic spoon and feed all my animals before i went to sleep. it made me realize that i have always taken care of things/people. but only in the tangible sense. meaning, i could feed them or have a home for them, or bandage them up. it still holds true today. and it's not a bad thing. it's how i am. i can fix your computer, make you some dinner, or give you a place to stay. i can also give love.

enough is enough

there is no safety. there is no comfort. things always fall apart. i have tried so hard to find comfort and safety, but by doing so, things (i) became stagnant, stale. i have been stuck for so long, i don't know how to get unstuck. life is constantly moving and all i can to do is watch it go by. the moments keep passing me by. i just don't know if i have it in me to keep going and that scares me. i'm tired of feeling scared and paralyzed. for a moment there, i thought i was moving, but now it seems that i am falling back. i keep reaching out, but it is so tentatively and full of fear that i withdraw. i can remember a time when i wasn't so scared and i keep trying to reach back to that for strength to move forward, but this faulty brain of mine can't let go. can't let go of the fear. can't let me move forward. somewhere in my 31 years, i shut down and i can't seem to start up again. i have all these great ideas. but that is all they are....ideas. i can't seem to get the energy to follow through on them. i feel like a loser. i know that i'm not, but i can't help feeling like one.

thinking back through my life, i remember feeling like i never fit in. i wasn't cool enough. i wasn't rich enough. i wasn't white enough. i wasn't smart enough. i wasn't skinny enough. i wasn't dressed right.

anyways, sitting on a hill yesterday thinking about life and love, i started writing random shit down. this is one of those things:

enough

if i have the shoes, the clothes, the hair
will that be enough?
if i talk and share and give
will that be enough?
if i love and cherish and hold
will that be enough?
if i listen and support and care
will that be enough?
if i hold on forever
will that be enough?
if i let you go
will that be enough?
if i stand here naked
will that be enough?
if i share my wounds and scars
will that be enough?
if i share all my joys
will that be enough?
if i stand here silent
will that be enough?
i am enough
will that be enough?