doobie reminder

i don't smoke anymore for a reason. it feels good in the moment, but ultimately it makes me kinda sad the next day. i get stuck in my head and that's never productive. i have worked too hard to get outta my head. there is no need to push myself back in.

astrological realization

so i realized that i love scorpios but i can never date one again. i love them as friends and think that they are great people, but as partners for me, it doesn't work out. something unhealthy happens when i date them. it's unhealthy for both of us. i still love them though. it's good to be able to get some sort of 'objective' look at myself and relationships/friendships. maybe i'm just older and wiser now. maybe i'm more in touch with me and who i am. whatever the 'reason', it's good to make healthy decisions for myself.

letting things go

so i gave notice a few weeks ago at the job that i hate and i had some anxiety because i didn't have a job lined up. i have never put in notice or quit a job without having something else lined up. but this year has been all about putting myself into awkward and uncomfortable situations. anyways, i knew that i would find a job. i always do. everything always works out. so i applied to work at a saddle company that is based in east oakland. totally random. i interviewed and was waiting to hear back. in the mean time, i had two people contact me about work. two non-freelance jobs. it was kinda amazing to see that i am in demand. that people want to hire me sight unseen. anyways, before all that i had made a list of the things i want in a job at this point in my life. i was pretty specific and i got it! it's amazing to me how my thoughts manifest in real life. anyways, i've been listening to this on repeat and it's just adding to my good mood today.....

intuitive gestalt

so in doing some work today, i got a little frustrated because some paperwork i got was in some crazy order and the staples are in the wrong place. i talked with rose and basically she pointed out that i was an intuitive thinker and was kinda gestalt in that way. i never really thought about it in those terms, but in talking to rose, it was kinda awesome to see that. she was able to see what i always thought of as my ocd-ness as an intuitive way of thinking. i dunno. i'm in a really good mood today. i got the saddle job. i don't have to worry about struggling financially next month. i get to go on a mini-vacation in 2 weeks and now i'm thinking about vegas in february to meet up with a friend. life is fantastic and wonderful....

behavior dictated by hair

so a little observation i have made about myself is that the way my hair is styled has 'dictated' my behavior for the day. i.e. when i have 'good boi hair', i am on really good behavior and mind my manners all day. when i have spiky hair, then i'm a 'bad boi'. interesting......

that old feeling....

of wanting to run away is back again. weird. i have no where to run to, yet that old desire is still there.

p.m.s. & f.e.a.r.

every month about this time, i get a bad case of f.e.a.r. which is brought on by p.m.s. i become so insecure and doubt everything about myself and my life. i can't seem to make any decisions without freaking out. i can't decide what i want to eat. if i'm tired or not. i second guess everything that people say to me and think that everyone is out to get me and hurt my feelings. everything becomes this terrible vortex of self pity and fear. argh. i hate it. watching the injecting t video earlier today totally freaked me out. i curled up into a ball on my bed. yet at the same time, there is still some rational thought in my head telling me that all these insecurities are made up and not true, but that little voice gets so overpowered by the feelings of inadequacy. argh. i hate this.

self injecting t

meyers briggs test results

The Portait of the Protector (ISFJ)

The primary desire of the Protector Guardian is to be of service to others, but here "service" means not so much furnishing others with the necessities of life (the Provider's concern), as guarding others against life's pitfalls and perils, that is, seeing to their safety and security. There is a large proportion of Protectors in the population, perhaps as much as ten percent. And a good thing, because they are steadfast in their protecting, and seem fulfilled in the degree they can insure the safekeeping of those in their family, their circle of friends, or their place of business.

Protectors find great satisfaction in assisting the downtrodden and can deal with disability and neediness in others better than any other type. They go about their task of caretaking modestly, unassumingly, and because of this their efforts are not sometimes fully appreciated. They are not as outgoing and talkative as the Providers, except with close friends and relatives. With these they can chat tirelessly about the ups and downs in their lives, moving (like all the Guardians) from topic to topic as they talk over their everyday concerns. However, their shyness with strangers is often misjudged as stiffness, even coldness, when in truth these Protectors are warm-hearted and sympathetic, giving happily of themselves to those in need.

Their quietness ought really to be seen as an expression, not of coldness, but of their sincerity and seriousness of purpose. Like all the Guardians, Protectors have a highly developed puritan work ethic, which tells them that work is good, and that play must be earned-if indulged in at all. The least hedonic of all types, Protectors are willing to work long, long hours doing all the thankless jobs the other types seem content to ignore. Thoroughness and frugality are also virtues for Protectors. When they undertake a task, they will complete it if at all humanly possible; and they know the value of material resources and abhor the squandering or misuse of these resources. Protectors are quite content to work alone; indeed, they may experience some discomfort when placed in positions of authority, and may try to do everything themselves rather than insist that others do their jobs.

With their extraordinary commitment to security, and with their unusual talent for executing routines, Protectors do well in many careers that have to do with conservation: curators, private secretaries, librarians, middle-managers, police officers, and especially general medical practitioners. To be sure, the hospital is a natural haven for them; it is home to the family doctor, preserver of life and limb, and to the registered nurse, or licensed practical nurse, truly the angels of mercy. The insurance industry is also a good fit for Protectors. To save, to put something aside against an unpredictable future, to prepare for emergencies-these are important actions to Protectors, who as insurance agents want to see their clients in good hands, sheltered and protected.

3 weeks to freedom

ok, so i finally did it. i gave notice today at my day job. as of december 21st i will be underemployed again. i don't really have a plan of what to do, but i know that i can't be there anymore. being there made me second guess my entire life and what i was doing. once i handed in my resignation letter, i felt a combination of relief and anxiety. i'm trying to focus on the relief part. i know i'll find another job and be able to pay all of my bills, i just need to not freak out about it. that's the big lesson from this year....to not freak out about things i can't control and just trust that everything works out the way it's supposed to. things fall apart and then they come back together again. that is life. and it's all ok. nothing is permanent. just change. relax into it....

alone

today is a day for me to be alone. all signs point to time alone. i guess i should just listen to the universe.

secrets

so i really enjoy looking at postsecret every week. it fills me with immense satisfaction. i wait all week for it. it's like a drug and i need my fix. this week the secrets are delayed until wednesday. i'm so impatient. i keep thinking that i will send in a secret, but i don't know what i would say. i guess i like reading them because i wonder if any are from my friends. i read one the other week that made me think of an old friend. i wonder how she's doing. i guess my biggest secret right now isn't such a big secret.....i want to come out to my parents as trans, but i'm afraid they will hate me and disown me.

door

i feel terrible. i was going downtown today to meet my brother and father for lunch. i parked. got some change out of my car. opened my door. then.....SMACK! a biker. i totally doored this guy and he flew off his bike and landed on his head on the asphalt. he seemed to be shaken up, but ok. i called an ambulance for him and then had to file an accident report with the cops. i just feel really terrible about it.

caffeine addiction

i really am addicted to the stuff. i didn't have any this morning and i was such a bitch. i guess it just goes along with the fact that i just really like uppers. it's why i liked speed so much. i just hate feeling tired. my brain is so much more clear with caffeine. i can think. i can react. i can function. not to say that i can't function without it. i have gone through many periods of not drinking caffeine. i guess i'm just in a caffeine period again. which reminds me. i really want a french press so i can start making coffee at home. i don't know what the point of this posting is other than being a confession of my addiction to caffeine.

#200

so this is my 200th post and i just have to say that i love my life. i know i've been crazy and stressed out in the last month or so, but under it all, i have maintained a center. i know that the craziness will pass. i know that i will get through all my stress and stuff. it's like i'm this weird calm center in a maelstrom. it's a good place to be. i am finally re-focusing on school. my money issues have been handled. i am working less. i am seeing my friends again, slowly but surely. i have a great girl. i have a great idea that i am going to make a reality. and my friend down in lala land has an art project idea that i get to hear about this weekend. i love it. love love love it!

things to remember.....

eat healthy
move a bit
look for a new job
get some sleep
take my vitamins
spend time in the bath
read for leisure
go outside during the day

remember

be nice to the girl.

hibernation

last night was the first time in a long time that i have had time to myself. i was able to kick in my house alone and just hang out. i did homework, took a nap, read, played on the internet and just laid about for while. it was so nice. i feel like a whole different person now. i really need to remember to do that more often. it just made me want to do more of that. i kind of want to hibernate for the winter. but alas, that just isn't really possible. but i'm glad that i got those 7 hours last night.

as a side note, it's really weird to be woken up from a nap by an earthquake. i didn't believe that it really was one. initially i thought i was just having a really vivid dream. then i thought my girlfriend had left her job to come to my house to shake my bed then leave. so in my groggy disbelief i went to my good friend google and looked it up online. and lo and behold....it was an actual earthquake.

maybe i should really try to chill out....

i hate the non-profit industrial complex. everyone is always behind. always in a rush. always doing shit last minute. fuck. i really need to get outta here.

apparently i should just chill out....

according to my horoscope, i shouldn't think about all the things in my previous posting......

VIRGO (August 23-September 22): Let go, and let Venus. With lucky thanks to her, enough of your life is running smoothly—not perfectly, Virgo, but with much less of the disruptive bumpiness others are grappling with—that you can afford to ease up a tad. And it's a good thing, too, since this is really not the best week for taking care of detail-oriented tasks or complicated chores. Over the coming month, you'll have ample opportunity to address these items (and many more!), so you needn't feel lazy or ashamed for taking life at a chilled-down pace at the current moment. Can you please stop puttering? preparing? arranging the components in the most efficient order, so that when it is time to get busy, you'll already have done part of the work? These little fiddlings do count, you know… and they're likely to get you all hot-and-bothered (when things don't fit, when you can't decide which goes where, when you don't have all the necessary parts to finish up the step you unwisely opted to begin), though you really could've just waited before jumping in. I promise: You can deal with the labor-intensive stuff later. For now, keep your hands off the worktable… and zone out on unproductive nonsense.

choices

so my tagline this year has been 'everyone makes choices'. i feel like recently i have made some not so good choices and they range from the small ones like what i feel like doing in the moment to bigger ones like getting sucked into a job that i hate. i feel kinda backed into a corner in my life right now. maybe it's because all i do is work and i don't really have counterbalance. i don't feel like i'm very pleasant to be around, so i just try to stay in the house. but then again, i miss all my friends. it's kind of a vicious little cycle at this point. and today is gonna be a long ass day....basically i am working from 9 am till midnight tonight. argh. i need to change some things in my life and i need a bit of time to myself to figure out what those things are. i can't keep this up forever.

non-profit hell

i think i've made a terrible mistake coming back into the non-profit sector. i got out for a reason. argh. i think i may go work for a saddle company. all i know is i need to get the hell out.

this week kicked my ass....

and i'm ready for it to be over. but really it's not going to be for a few days. gr. of course i can't leave early today, even though i came in an hour and a half early. of course i have to work rocky this weekend. of course i am still not sleeping. of course i'm on edge and feel like i'm going to either punch someone or cry. of course it's october.

still appreciative...just tested

so i am still appreciative of all things on my that i just posted but now i feel like i'm being tested on them. i feel a little down right now and i don't know why. i feel like i'm coming apart yet again. i started the day off crying and i can't figure out why. it may be lack of sleep, but i can't seem to stop crying today. nothing is happening to make me cry, but it seems like everything is setting me off. i miss my friends. i miss having down time. i just need to get through the next few days and i think everything will change. maybe i've been working too much. actually, i know that i have been working too much. tonight i'm going to take a bath and chill out.

no one

by alicia keys

I just want you close
Where you can stay forever
You can be sure
That it will only get better
You and me together
Through the days and nights
I dont worry cause
Everythings gonna be alright
People keep talking
They can say what they like
But all I know is everything's gonna be alright

No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you
You you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

When the rain is pouring down
And my heart is hurting
You will always be around
This I know for certain

You and me together
Through the days and nights
[ No One lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
I dont worry cause
Everythings gonna be alright
People keep talking
They can say what they like
But all I know is everything's gonna be alright

No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you
You you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

I know some people search the world
To find something like what we have
I know people will try
Try to divide
Something so real
So till the end of time
Im telling you that

No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you
oh oh oh....

10 things.....

that i am appreciative for right now.

1. my health: mental, emotional, and physical
2. my sense of humor
3. my family, friends, and community
4. my comfort with transitions and change
5. my ability to take care of myself
6. my ability to make right choices for myself
7. healing my relationship with my parents
8. learning to live in the present and not future-tripping or past-tripping
9. my desire to learn and grow
10. my life

hormonal boi

so i hate being a boi who bleeds. every fuckin' month i feel like i'm losin' my fuckin' mind. one minute i'm totally calm, then i'm angry, then i'm sad, then i'm horny. it sucks. i hate it. but at the same time, i'm scared of taking T. i mean, i've heard about T rage and i've been on steroids before and have had some steroid rage. but i guess things are different now. i'm not so angry anymore. i think i've dealt with a lot of my anger. but then with t a lot of other things change. i don't want to smell different. i don't want to not be able to self-lubricate. but at the same time, i want the other physical changes. i want to grow facial hair. i want my voice to drop. i want a different distribution of fat. i guess it's just been weighing on my mind a lot. i need to come out to my parents first and i don't know how i'm gonna do it. it's not like they don't know. it's just that i have to tell them. gr. i'm also just scared, to be honest. there is no going back. i guess i still need to work some stuff out for myself.

bearforce1

apparently i'm back to just posting videos and random pictures that i find. maybe someday really soon, i'll more interesting shit to say...until then bearforce1!!

furries vs. klingons

omigod! i love boingboing. i found this gem while perusing it today at work. wtf!?!? and why do i wish i was in atlanta to witness this? it's gonna be fantastic. and the fact that it's the 2nd annual one of it's kind, is fuckin' fantabulous. such nerdy pervy fun.

whole!

patience pays off and i now have a new tattoo! pictures to come!

breakin' up with my therapist

so i have been in therapy for about a year now and tonight i broke up with my therapist. we left on good terms. i feel really good and solid within myself and it's great. i have some work to do, but i have to sit with it by myself for a bit before i can move forward. all in all, it was a great experience.

another reason to love the manoochehri boys

birthday boi

so today is my birthday. i have had such a hard time deciding what i wanted to do for my birthday this year. i got so much pressure from friends to have a party or to do some big thing. and i just didn't want to. what i really wanted to do was just hide out in my house and chill out alone. but what has happened has been wonderful. last night i got kidnapped by some friends who took me out to eat bbq and then to see the bourne ultimatum. then we rented movies and i got to see 'the stuff' again. one of my favorite bad movies. then i got to watch the oblongs. all in all a good night. and today i got to have a coffee date with a friend and then had a birthday lunch with an old co-worker, then i got to watch cartoons at my house. and the night is still young. i am getting to see an old friend for dinner and drinks.

all in all this has been a great beginning for my 32nd year. i realized that i just want to spend quality time with friends for my birthday and it doesn't have to be all today. that is my birthday wish for the year. to spend quality time with all my quality people. love, love, love!

unraveled

i have become completely unraveled and i don't know what to do about it. i guess i'll just have to wait and see how undone i will become. being vulnerable is scary as shit.

fantastical gay-ness courtesy of popbitch

ego-maniac

so recently i've had several big ego moments. historically i don't give myself a lot of compliments, but the other day i totally did. i was shopping with a friend and while she was trying on clothes in the dressing room, i stood in front of the full length mirror and admired myself. i don't really have a mirror at my house, so i haven't seen myself in a while. anyways, while checkin' myself out, i just kept sayin' "dang, i look good.....these pants look really good on me....my arms are all muscle-y...etc." my friend and probably a lot of store heard me saying this and so she just laughed and laughed at me. it was great! i hardly ever have those moments, but this time i just fully enjoyed it. it was awesome.

i shoulda listened.....

it's been a weird few weeks and i should listen to myself. i need to stay my ass in the house.

anyways, lack of sleep, too much caffeine, and i have to go to school now.

baffled

i am just baffled. just really, really baffled. i guess i'll just have to wait and see.

bound

so today was a weird day. lately i've realized that i'm getting really forgetful. not about big things but about little shit. this morning i had to do laundry cuz i was gonna be out all day and needed clean work clothes for tomorrow, so i woke up at the ass crack o' dawn to do my laundry. it's a simple task that i thought could be done before a 10 am meeting. i had it timed out and everything. but when i plan shit, it kinda unravels. today was no different. first of all the washer is broken and doesn't drain, so all my clothes are floating in a washer filled with water. i was gonna just leave it till later when i realized i needed a clean sports bra to wear today too. which is why i got up so early. needless to say that didn't happen. so i go back upstairs to get ready for my 10 am meeting and realize as i'm trying to leave that i can't find my wallet. i search and search my house for it, but it's nowhere to be found. finally, i think 'maybe it's in the pants i wore last night'. which of course is in the water filled washer, so i go downstairs, find the pants i was wearing and it's not in the pocket. so i have to fish around in the water and finally find my water logged wallet. i have to take everything out and dry it on the seat of my car on the way to my meeting. good thing it was already warm out.

anyways, back to the sports bra. so i can't really leave the house without a sports bra, but they are all wet and it's too late to dry them. so i decide that i will just bind today. i don't really like the way binding feels because, silly me, i like to breathe throughout my whole day. i do like the way it looks though. anyways, i don't have a binder because i haven't gotten it together enough to order the one that i want. the only thing i have is saran wrap. so i use it. there is nothing worse than wrapping yourself in plastic wrap in 80 degree heat all day. it's fine. i feel supported or at least not flopping around. as the day progresses, i end up in petaluma where it is 95 degrees. and by this point the binding is pinching under my right armpit. so i end up being a sweat-ferno with weird pinching all day. it's a good thing i didn't bind too tight today so i can breathe all day. but now that i'm free, it's so refreshing. no more pinching. no more sweating. oh yeah and of course there is the weird constant rustling sound of plastic as i move my torso.

another day in my ridiculous life. so to close i'm gonna end with these lyrics by dionne warwick:

And I never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned
I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you

And if I should ever go away
Well, then close your eyes and try to feel
The way we do today
And then if you can remember

Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Well, you came and opened me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way I thank you

Whoa, and then for the times when we're apart
Well, then close your eyes and know
These words are comin' from my heart
And then if you can remember, oh

Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
In good times, in bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
Oh, that's what friends are for

Whoa... oh... oh... keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, oh, for sure
'Cause I tell you that's what friends are for
For good times and for bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for (That's what friends are for)

On me, for sure
That's what friends are for
Keep smilin', keep shinin'

tripping

so i had a conversation with a friend a while back and he said two phrases that made a lot of sense. past tripping and future tripping. i past trip a lot. meaning i try to look at my past and try to fix it. to see where i fucked up, but also to get lost in nostalgia for the good parts. my friend said he future trips, meaning that he worries about the future. both kinds of tripping take you out of the moment though. i'm trying to be more in the moment and not freak out so much about what i coulda, shoulda, or woulda done. it's a struggle. i guess i'm still trying to get back into the paradise of my past.

i know i'm a different person now though, so there really is no going back. even if i were to be in any of my past situations as i am now, it would all be different. i guess the following song is a for me today.

honest mistake
by the bravery

People
They don't mean a thing to you
They move right through you
Just like your breath
But sometimes
I still think of you
And I just wanted to
Just wanted you to know
My old friend...
I swear I never meant for this
I never meant...

Don't look at me that way
It was an honest mistake
Don't look at me that way
It was an honest mistake
An honest mistake

Sometimes
I forget I'm still awake
I fuck up and say these things out loud
My old friend...
I swear I never meant for this
I never meant...

Don't look at me that way
It was an honest mistake
Don't look at me that way
It was an honest mistake
An honest....

Don't look at me that way
It was an honest mistake
Don't look at me that way
It was an honest mistake
An honest mistake

relationships

so after i left my job, i got a gift pack from my boss and it was a random assortment of things. definitely all things that i like, but totally random: shop towels, orange hand degreaser, switchblade comb, tattoo bandaids, a lighter, and a guerilla art book. looking at all those things, i realized that i'm really weird. and in seeing my interests laid out in tangible form was a slightly jarring. i went off in my head about why do i like these things? do my interests make me cool? do they make me weird? what the hell does it all mean? but then i calmed down and laughed because i realized that i am weird and also that pretty much everyone is slightly weird and quirky.

which brings me to the other thing that i have been thinking about: relationships. not just intimate ones with partners, but also friendships, acquaintances, random interactions with strangers on the streets, etc. i have been reading a lot of astrology and i've found out that venus is in retrograde and has been since the end of july and will be until sept. 8. i realized that i have been thinking about how i relate to other people since about july and what it is i really want from my relationships and also what i can give. i know that in my past i have been less than available to my friends and partners but that i am learning how to be more open, communicative, and responsible emotionally. i have done a lot of work in this arena and i realized that i am such a different person than i was last year. it's strange to take the time to reflect and to be able to see your own growth. i am still growing and tomorrow, i am doing more growing, by stepping up to start a conversation with a friend that i think really needs to happen to clear the air before it becomes really awkward.

i also feel really centered in all these transitions and i'm learning to just take things in stride. to be flexible with changes both within myself but also in the people around me. everyone has the right to make a decision, but they also have the right to change their mind. nothing is set in stone. and as a virgo, it's really hard to not get caught up in the finer details of things and to see the larger picture. i'm working on that and i trust that everything will work out as it should.

centered transition

so a lot of stuff has gone down in the past week or so....a lot of heavy stuff: jobs, school, girls, apologies, paranoia....

but through it all, i feel pretty centered. not to say that i haven't had moments of feeling angry or sad or alone or happy or crazy or neurotic. it's just that those moments are just that: moments. i feel like i've weathered through them centered and whole. these moments haven't totally destroyed me, like they would have in the past. i guess i have grown in the past few months and i feel stronger because of it. i know more of who i am and what i can handle. i still have my freak-outs, but i know that they are part of my process, so i don't get caught up in them. i do kinda wish that this year would be over though. i've had my ass kinda kicked by this year and i'm hoping next year will have less ass-kicking.

anyways, on a side note, i'm glad that postsecret has new secrets up this week. i was disappointed last week when they just had a movie.

forgiveness

Forgiveness is the mental, emotional and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger against another person for a perceived offence, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution^[1]. This definition, however, is subject to much philosophical critique. Forgiveness may be considered simply in terms of the person who forgives, in terms of the person forgiven and/or in terms of the relationship between the forgiver and the person forgiven. In some contexts, it may be granted without any expectation of compensation, and without any response on the part of the offender (for example, one may forgive a person who is dead). In practical terms, it may be necessary for the offender to offer some form of acknowledgement, apology, and/or restitution, or even just ask for forgiveness, in order for the wronged person to believe they are able to forgive.....[courtesy of the wikipedia]

girl club names

so my current little rant has to do with girl club names. they are so fuckin' lesbianic and kinda make me throw up a little bit in my mouth. not to say that i don't go to them. but really....burning bush? venus fly love? velvet? sexy? blech. i want someone to come up with a clever club name. one that isn't so obviously gay. something a little smarter. smart gay. i don't want the rest of the world to think that homos are dumb too. i mean, they already think that we are evil and a sin against god and nature blah, blah blah. but really. we need to come up with some good club names. personally, i want to use the word coruscate in a club name. i mean, it's not obvious, but it is gay. anyways, if anyone has suggestions for girl club names, lay 'em on me.

wanted

dead or alive
by bon jovi

It's all the same, only the names will change
Everyday it seems we're wasting away
Another place where the faces are so cold
I'd drive all night just to get back home

[Chorus:]
I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride
I'm wanted dead or alive
I'm a cowboy
Wanted dead or alive

Sometimes I sleep, sometimes it's not for days
And the people I meet always go their separate ways
Sometimes you tell the day
By the bottle that you drink
And times when you're alone all you do is think

[Chorus]

I walk these streets, a loaded six string on my back
I play for keeps, 'cause I might not make it back
I been everywhere, and I'm standing tall
I've seen a million faces an I've rocked them all

I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride
I'm wanted dead or alive
I'm a cowboy, I got the night on my side
I'm wanted dead or alive
And I ride, dead or alive
I still drive, dead or alive
Dead or alive [x4]

tipsy posting

so what can i say, i didn't really eat today and then i went to eli's for burning bush and chugged 4 beers really quickly. now i'm home and a little bit tipsy. i had a great time. apparently i know lots of people. lots of random people. i had fun. drank, danced, talk with folks, met new people, saw some people from the past. it's all good. it's been a long week and all i want to do is relax and hang out with friends. i'm gonna do that tomorrow. it's kind of a packed day, but it's filled with relaxin' things. things for tomorrow will hopefully include, mimosa breakfast, bbq, pedicure, flirtin' with cute girls, seeing the boys, sleep.

all is good in the land of connor fu.

what am i?

no really. what am i? a boy or a girl? i just watched the 20/20 special that aired back in april of this year about trans kids. it made me cry. i think i jinxed myself earlier today by saying that i hadn't cried in a while. anyways, watching that show was really intense. it was amazing to see kids so young know what they are and be able to voice it. to put words to it. to demand it. and now to see how amazingly supportive their parents are of them. so i cried. i cried for the courage and strength each of those kids showed in the way they lived their lives. the courage they have for being able to say what they are. to demand respect for that. it also made me really sad for myself. i still have fear. i'm afraid to demand this for myself. i'm sad that i haven't had the courage to show myself to my parents. i'm sad that i can't talk about this with my parents. i'm afraid of talking to my parents about this. i'm afraid that i will never be able to fully be myself. and for all this, i am crying.

exhaustion

so i have been so busy with all the work that i have been doing that i feel like i've been really lonely and haven't had a chance to just be okay with that. all i wanted to do today was to stay in bed and read my book and at the same time go out and see all my friends. i have been working 15-16 hour days and haven't had time for much else. i feel like i haven't really been around my friends in a while, which isn't completely true, but it's how i feel. i actually spent a very nice sunday up in petaluma with friends. i guess i feel like i have so much limited 'free' time that i have to be really structured with my time and have weird time slots for hanging out with friends so i can still see them all. but then i forget that i need to spend some time by myself to be re-centered. which leaves the middle of the night for myself, but by then i'm so exhausted that all i can do is lay down and pass out.

but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. as of next friday, i will be continuing this transition in my life and i will only have 1 job and be back in school. although my 1 job will not pay all my bills, i have to get my hustle on. the good thing is that i have leads for a lot of contract jobs, so a few of them have to pan out. i always make it work out, so this time it won't be any different.

i guess it's just the sheer physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion that i am feeling. i'm ok with that. it is what it is.

50/50

so with all the changes and happenings and transitions in my life right now, i feel 50/50 about all of it. meaning i'm mixed between being excited and fearful. i keep thinking that i should try to up the excitement side of things, but i can't seem to do it. i'm content with it being 50/50. it's a nice balance. there is nothing to freak out about. true, i still have moments of panic, but they are fleeting. and then i just float back to being a bit of both. it's an interesting place to be. i guess this is what it feels like to feel centered. it's only strange feeling to me because it has never happened to me before. i'm a bit of an extremist, so having to sit in the middle is kind of unknown territory. apparently i can go from breakneck speed to calm and relaxed without much issue. it's strange and slightly disconcerting, but i think that is just because it is such a new feeling. how many people can say that they feel centered? is this 'normal'? i'm so used to feeling abnormal and sub-par that it's strange to feel so calm. well, i'm enjoying it and not fighting it. so i'll just go with it for now. i guess it's just life.

window from 8-12

so, yes finally after 2 months in my new apartment, i finally called and made an appointment with pg&e to get the pilot light lit on my stove. so i tried to light it myself, but couldn't and then when it came to messing with a gas line, i thought it would best to leave it to the professionals. i didn't want to blow up the treehouse so soon after moving into it. so that is what i get to do this morning instead of going to work. it's nice when your boss is so understanding and just lets you take the morning off to wait for pg&e. i love my boss and i'm gonna miss her when i leave in two weeks.....or rather a week and a half. yikes!

the awkward dance instructional video

foot fetish?

so i was in kind of a bad mood when i went to my second job tonight. my back had been hurting all day and my spine felt all outta wack, which kind made my mind outta wack. plus it was a full moon the other night. anyways, needless to say i was kinda cranky and just blah.

so i told all this to the projectionist and to cheer me up she told me about something she had found online......the pussy foot. omigod! her description made my brain explode. a silicone foot from just above the ankle, complete with pink nails.....and a cunt in the sole! wtf!?!? i just had no words. i couldn't even think about anything. so of course the only way to deal with this is to spread the news of the pussy foot far and wide. enjoy!

gr.

i hate when people flake on me. unless it's for good reason. i know that people are busy and that they have other shit going on. i just irritated if you say you wanna do something and then just bail at the last minute without expressing anything. i guess it's good that i can say that i'm irritated and angry right now. i have a hard time saying that and acknowledging it. so at least for myself, it's a good thing. i know it's gonna pass too. i am not going to hold onto this anger forever. it's just good for me to say that i'm mad.

other than that, things are good. and i still really want a jumbo squid. they are so cute!

shiny shiny

cor·us·cate (kôr'ə-skāt', kŏr'-)
intr.v. cor·us·cat·ed, cor·us·cat·ing, cor·us·cates

1. To give forth flashes of light; sparkle and glitter: diamonds coruscating in the candlelight.
2. To exhibit sparkling virtuosity: a flutist whose music coruscated throughout the concert hall.

the come down....

so this week has been full and crazy. i had a friend in town visiting and she wanted to go out every night that she was here, which was fantastic. the only thing was that i was working both my jobs every day. so i would work about 15 hours each day, then go out at night to live it up. come home, crash, and get up a few hours later and do it all over again. she also ended up bringing a friend over, who ended up staying with me too. so there were 3 of us sharing my bed. now everyone is gone and i feel a little bit empty. it was nice to have folks in my house, even if i wasn't there.

also to follow up with the twinkie day....um, yeah, that night got super crazy. i don't know what to make of it yet. i haven't had time to think about it until now. i had fun though.

tonight at work was really fun. i was really hyper because i actually got some sleep today and i got to hang out with the projectionist who was making me laugh a lot. we just got to be really silly and also i got out at a reasonable hour. maybe i'm also excited because i have the next 3 days off of my night job. this week i worked so much and it also the week where everyone wanted to hang out with me, so i did. tonight i'm just trying to take it easy and read and go to bed at a reasonable hour, so i can run around all day tomorrow. i know that i don't want to see 4 am for a while....

giant twinkie

i just saw a man in a giant twinkie outfit talking to a man in a giant apple outfit. i wonder what else is going to happen today. it's off to a very entertaining start.

check yourself

so i feel really good that i was able to check myself this weekend. i started feeling a little weird this weekend and i couldn't figure out what was going on. it was a familiar feeling and instead of just running with it and getting myself into a situation that was going to be bad for me, i was able to just stop myself and just remove myself from the situation. i was also able to not propel myself further into the situation today. i chilled out by myself and went to my parents' house for dinner and instead of chasing after something, i am just gonna read and go to bed. yay me! baby steps, baby steps. i feel good that i am growing and learning.

fuck me pumps

this has nothing to do with my day today and the fact that i think i sprained/bruised my toe at the beach today while trying to hang out in a windstorm. funniest day ever!

by amy winehouse

When you walk in the bar,
And you dressed like a star,
Rockin' your F me pumps.

And the men notice you,
With your Gucci bag crew,
Can't tell who he's lookin' to.

Cuz you all look the same,
Everyone knows your name,
And that's you whole claim to fame.

Never miss a night,
Cuz your dream in life,
Is to be a footballers wife.

You don't like players,
That's what you say-a,
But you really wouldn't mind a millionaire.

You don't like ballers,
They don't do nothing for ya,
But you'd love a rich man six foot two or taller.

You're more than a fan,
Lookin' for a man,
But you end up with one-nights-stands.

He could be your whole life,
If you got past one night,
But that part never goes right.

In the morning you're vexed,
He's onto the next,
And you didn't even get no taste.

Don't be too upset,
If they call you a skank,
Cuz like the news everyday you get pressed.

You don't like players,
That's what you say-a,
But you really wouldn't mind a millionaire.

Or them big balers,
Don't do nothing for ya.
But you'd love a rich man six foot two or taller,

You can't sit down right,
Cuz you jeans are too tight,
And your lucky its ladies night.

With your big empty purse,
Every week it gets worse,
At least your breasts cost more than hers.

So you did Miami,
Cuz you got there for free,
But somehow you missed the plane.

You did too much E,
Met somebody,
And spent the night getting cane.

Without girls like you,
There'd be no fun,
We'd go to the club and not see anyone.

Without girls like you,
There's no nightlife,
All those just go home to their wives.

Don't be mad at me,
Cuz your brushing thirty,
And your old tricks no longer work.

You should have known from the job,
That you always get dumped,
So dust off your fuck me pumps.

list

meat puppets
unicorns
stems
futch
female butch queen
leonid the magnificent
lil tippy
fay latio
harry potter
salsa
'just listen!'
oiled up
warm underwear
brazilian
gaffer
lighting
falling

good food, good friends, good times.

sleep is for losers?

i worked for almost 14 hours again today and i'm totally exhausted, but i decided to go to luka's to see my friends even though i'm all wet and smell like beer and food and sweat. basically, i went in, found my friends, said hi, then left. and now i'm home. my right arm has been killing me since yesterday and here i am on the computer, aggravating it. i'm too old for this shit! ha! well, i'm having fun and i've decided that i'm gonna just give up sleep for the next two years. if i'm gonna be working this hard in my life, then i'm gonna play just as hard. i'm gonna adopt my old old motto of 'i'll sleep when i'm dead'.

dishwasher with no life

so tonight i started my new job at the parkway theater as the dishwasher. i am so tired now that i feel like crying. i don't know how i'll be able to do this again tomorrow night. everyone was saying that i would be done by midnight, but alas i didn't finish until 1:15. i know it's just the first day and it's a big change in my schedule, but i really feel like crying. everything hurts and i have to be up again in like 6 hours to go to work. what have i done to myself? in a month, this will be a lot different. i just have to remember that. once school starts, things will be different. i'll hopefully only be working one job and going to school. i'm a little nervous about how this is all gonna work out, but i know that it will. i just won't have a social life at all. just school and work. it's what i've been working towards and now that it's here, i kinda wanna cry. it's a humbling experience to be working so hard again. i've been such a slacker that it's hard to actually do work. everyone's gotta pay their dues to get to where they wanna go. it's my turn to pay now and it's all good. basically, i'm not gonna have any social life anymore. it's just gonna be work and school and work and school. i feel like i'm committing to not sleeping for the next 2 years of my life and i'm just gonna be working really hard. i wonder where i will end up. i'll just have to wait and see.

d.a.n.c.e.

pass this on

something good my way comes....

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): "Write the bad things that are done to you in sand," says an Arab proverb, "but write the good things that happen to you on a piece of marble." That's perfect advice for you in the coming days. Why? Because I believe you'll be cheated or slighted in a way that will have only minor, short-term consequences, whereas on the other hand you'll be the beneficiary of a loophole or the recipient of a generous blessing that should reverberate for a long time.

thanks rob brezny. this is something i really needed to hear today.

i am having a bit of the post vacation blues today. i didn't want to come back to my life and be responsible and have to work and stuff. i just wanna play all the time, but alas, it's life. anyways, i also realized that seeing my friend in nyc was fantastic, but coming back here, i just realized how much i miss having her in my life everyday. she's family. and i don't have that with folks out here right now. not to say that my friends out here aren't great. it's just a different level of intimacy and friendship. i'm glad that i have a friend that is so close and i'm fortunate that i have her in my life. i just wish we were on the same coast. i was tempted to just stay in nyc, but i have stuff i'm doing here that i can't leave just yet. who knows? maybe i will end up in new york or canada or turkey or anywhere really. i'll just have to wait and see where i go.

back in the bay

now that i'm back in the bay, i don't know what to do. well, that's not true. it's just that i still want to be on vacation. it is kinda comforting to be back home though. my head is kinda swimming right now. my sleep schedule is kinda screwy, i'm feeling emotional, and i have to go back to work today. i feel like i'm totally walking blindly in the world right now. and it's not actually freaking me out. it's just interesting to be without a sense. yeah, i guess that sums it up. i feel like i've momentarily lost a sense and i'm trying to navigate the world now. either that or i'm on a bit of a sensory overload where all my senses are hyper sensitive. who knows. gotta go finish getting ready for work now.

crampy

i hate being a boi with cramps. i was going to be out and about today, but now i'm going to be laying down and napping.

i did manage to get out for a bit to see a free performance though. it was cool. they are called strange fruit and they are from australia. it was really amazing and mesmerizing and relaxing and funny and great. but now i'm off to lay down.

it's been a while

so it's been a while since i've posted. not that nothing is happening in my life nor that i have nothing to say. i guess i've been a little busy. moving my office took a lot out of me and i've been trying to figure out what i'm doing with my life since i decided to leave my job a few months ago. but things are getting taken care of. i am now registered for school and i have a new job lined up which i start next week. so all the 'business' parts of my life have been taken care of.

i'm now in new york visiting friends and it's been hot as hell. but not as hot as i thought it was going to be. i spent last weekend in the hamptons with a friend. it was interesting. it kinda stressed me out and at the same time was kinda relaxing. i got to to the beach and hang out with a friend who i haven't seen in a while. so that was good. i came out to my friend a while ago as being trans and this trip, i told her that i have a new name and prefer male pronouns, but she just couldn't get it. she kept calling me my old name, which is fine in the house, but out in public it really stressed me out. being around rich, straight, white folks, i already didn't really feel super comfortable and then she kept calling me by my old name and it just make me really stressed out. i mean, it's fine. i've known her a long time and i know it takes people a while to adjust to a new name and all, but i think she only called me connor like 5 times in the 3 days i was there. needless to say, i was happy to leave to come to the city and be around queers.

now i'm in the city and have had a great time so far. i got to see harry potter and the order of the phoenix last night at midnight. it was really fun. i got to wander around manhatten all day just roaming and walking. it was nice to be anonymous and afloat. didn't have any 'plans' during my day except to go to b&h which was overwhelming and fun. so many toys to play with! anyways, it's cooler today, so maybe i'll be a little less of a sweaty boi, but i kinda doubt it. i'm glad that i am able to be on this trip right now. it's been a much needed break from the bay. i know i'll be excited to go home, but it's nice to get away for a minute to get some perspective on on my life. i can see where i'm doing well in my life and also some areas that need some work. but it's a process....life that is. i'm coming to terms with a lot of my past and being more centered and aware of myself has made the process less traumatic and stressful. not to say that i don't get stressed out or have feelings about life. but i can take things as they come. anyways, all this is to say that i love all my friends and framily and i can even say that i love my family and that i am working for the future and living in the now. everything is as it is and i'm ok with that.

closed

day off

so i know that today was a holiday, but i didn't think about how it was the fourth of july. i had a lot of options for plans, but even though i didn't do what i thought i was going to do today, it was an great day off. got to have coffee with a friend then came home and promptly took a nap. got up to got bbq hopping. it was nice to just hang out with really good people. got to meet some new folks, see some old folks. didn't think at all about what this day 'means'. just got to spend time with my community and framily.

i did spend some time reading some interesting feminist blog this morning called feministing. i dunno how i feel about it yet. but it's interesting. i've been kind of a voracious reader recently. spending hours in the treehouse reading and napping. it's been really nice. i can be alone and lonely and not freak out. i've had really good, strong conversations and connections with people. it's been really awesome.

i've also noticed a drastic change in my relationship with my parents. i'm not feeling guilt when i'm around them. i actually was able to joke with my mom and make her laugh. i haven't heard her laugh in the last 14 years. it's really nice. i realized how much shit i brought into my interactions with my parents and now i'm letting that go and just being in the moment with them. what happened in the past, has happened and there is no changing it. i can't hold onto it forever. the past won't change. i can only be present and work towards a future.

anyways, i feel like i'm being really self-involved on this blog, but i guess that's what it's for right now. it is what it is. so it goes.

true colors

so last night i went to the true colors show.

it was AMAZING! four hours of non-stop awesome-ness. i was so hyper all day in anticipation of the show and it rocked. after the show i was still having a post concert high and couldn't sleep. cyndi lauper is someone that i have wanted to see live and now that i've done it, i can totally die a happy boi now. not to mention that there were so many other awesome people performing too....the cliks, dresden dolls, debbie harry, erasure, margaret cho, and rosie o'donnell.

i had so much fun and i even had a trans-bear hit on me. it was interesting. i didn't know what to say. anyways, it was super gay and super fun!

reminder

new beginnings and new endings happen all the time. it is life.

fergie-ssession

i don't know what's wrong with me. i really like fergie songs. it's so ridiculous. it's embarrassing. but it's true. i don't really know how i feel about the lyrics of this song. it seems hopeful to me that things will work out. i have my ideas about how i want my life to work out, but i'll just have to wait and see how it all plays out.

so here ya go.....

finally
by fergie

MMMMMMMMMM

Ever since I was a baby girl I had a dream
Cinderella theme
Crazy as it seems
Always knew that deep inside that there would come a day
When I would have to way
Make so many mistakes
I could'nt comprehend
As I watched it unfold
This classic story told I left it in the cold
Walking through an open door that led me back to you
Each one unlocking more of the truth

I finally stopped tripping on my youth
I finally got lost inside of you
I finally know that I needed to grow
And finally my maze has been solved

[chorus]
Finally
Now my destiny can begin
Though it will have a different set
Something strange and new is happening
Finally
Now my life doesn't seem so bad
Its the best that I've ever had
Give my love to him finally

MMMMMMMM

I remember the beggining you already knew
I acted like a fool
Just trying to be cool
Fronting like it didn't matter
I just ran away
On another face
Was lost in my own space
Found what its like to hurt selfishly
Scared to give of me
Afraid to just believe
I was in a jealous, insecure, pathetic place
Stumbled through the nets that I have made

Finally got out of my own way
I've Finally started living for today
I finally know that I needed to grow
And finally know that

[chorus]
Finally
Now my destiny can begin
Though we will have a different set
Something strange and new is happening
Finally
Now my life doesn't seem so bad
Its the best that I've ever had
Gave my love to him Finally

MMMMMMMM

Finally, Finally

Finally
Now my destiny can begin
Though it will have a different set
Something beautiful is happening, happening
Finally
Now my life doesn't seem so bad
Give my love to him finally

Ohhhhhhh, Finally, Finally, finally

tech bomb

yeah, so apparently i'm not so much of a tech wizard. or mercury is still in retrograde, so all communications and communication devices are on the fritz. i'm not too worried though. i'm doing what i can to move things along, but i think i also need to step back a bit and just let shit happen. i asked a friend to come help me with tech stuff today and initially all the computers he stood by started doing what i've been trying to get them to do for the past 2 days. but then as more time passed, things started to fall apart. that was when i knew it was time to vacate the premises. i was tired. he was tired. and we were just spinning our wheels. so yep. it was time to leave.

tech wizard

so i finally got my office moved and now i'm having to deal with all the little details after moving. like setting up our entire netw0rk again. so yeah, i'm not a techy. i have figured shit out in the last 5 years because it just needed to get done. luckily i have some back-up in the form of nerdy hacker friends. but really. i majored in sociology and um, i have no background in technology. so it's interesting to me that i have been able to do all the work that has been asked of me. so yeah, i guess it's strength of mine to be able to just figure shit out. i guess that is what life is all about....figuring shit out. so yeah, tomorrow, hopefully, i'll have everything up and running again. at least everything made it to the new office space, considering they were laying carpet as our movers were packing up our old space. shit never goes according to plan, but that's how it goes. i'm trying to not make plans cuz they never work out how you want them to. but things always do work out. life is amazing and so am i.

i guess i'm back to thinking i'm awesome in all my quirky, crazy, fucked up glory.

you never know

what's going to happen when you leave your house or who you will meet. the days are always filled with surprises and exactly what you need.

today i left the house to go walk the lake. i got sidetracked and went to the parkway where i ended up meeting up with some friends and hanging out. some folks i had known, but i also got to meet some new people and also got to know some of my friends better. then i went to meet up with some other friends at a park i had never been to in emeryville and got to meet a whole gang of new folks. i also got to listen and learn a lot about the struggles of haitian refugees. and when i got home i got to talk to two of my neighbors. it was so nice to connect and talk about life and philosophy and interpersonal relations and just how to connect with the world. basically, i had a bomb ass day. i feel so alive and loved. yay world! it's amazing what you get back from the world by putting yourself out there. i have also learned when i need to just take time for myself and kick it. it's great. i'm great.

monogamy and polyamory

in thinking about relationships i am coming back to the notions of monogamy and polyamory. i've been thinking about love a lot these days and what it is. unconditional love is something i have been reading about. and it seems to me that both monogamy and polyamory put some sort of 'conditions' on love. monogamy puts the condition of not sleeping with other folks on the table and polyamory puts the condition of having multiple partners on the table. it is two sides of the same coin. i feel like i can love unconditionally. i recognize that i have a lot of work to get to that point, but i am definitely on the path. i think that when it comes down to relationships with lovers, i do lean towards monogamy but have had some experience with polyamory. i think that for polyamory to work, all parties involved need to be open and honest with their own needs and wants. but at the same time, in any relationship, everyone needs to be open and honest with their needs and wants. this is all done with clear communication, being able to ask for what you want, but also be willing to hear 'no' and being ok with that. being open to asking questions, but also answering questions in a clear and honest manner. all relationships take a lot of work and everyone involved needs to be committed to doing the work and struggling through the hard parts and being patient with the process. things come together and things fall apart and that is how life is. loving yourself is the foundation for everything to work out. it's hard though because feelings can complicate the process. in all my work dealing with emotions, i am seeing that they are not easy to 'explain'. recognizing your feelings during the process is a huge starting point, but i'm wondering what you 'do' after you recognize them. just seeing them as feelings and letting them go is really hard. philosophically, i feel like i can talk about and 'rationalize' or use 'logic' to talk about the concepts of monogamy and polyamory, but then feelings get involved and it throws me for a loop. i don't really know the purpose of this post other than to say that all relationships are complicated and i have no idea what i'm doing. i'm working on just being ok with not knowing anything and just trying to become the process. everyone's situation is unique and everyone has a unique experience. everything is always changing. it is what it is. so it goes....i love.

pride and resistance

on kpfa.

crazy on a theremin

um, wow. this is so weird and cool.

solstice

"In pre-historic times, summer was a joyous time of the year for those Aboriginal people who lived in the northern latitudes. The snow had disappeared; the ground had thawed out; warm temperatures had returned; flowers were blooming; leaves had returned to the deciduous trees. Some herbs could be harvested, for medicinal and other uses. Food was easier to find. The crops had already been planted and would be harvested in the months to come. Although many months of warm/hot weather remained before the fall, they noticed that the days were beginning to shorten, so that the return of the cold season was inevitable." Link

so i wanted to celebrate the solstice this year and it was kind of a last minute deal, so i texted everyone i knew. i decided that i want this day to be a new beginning, since it is the longest day of the year. i wanted to celebrate the sun and the energy it provides to all living things. so i decided that the best way to do that would be to go out and enjoy the sunset at the beach. i wanted this to be a new beginning for me. i've had a rather stressful last few months and today was a great way for me to put positivity and beauty forward into my life. not to say that i haven't learned a lot about myself in the past few months, but today was a time to reflect and enjoy.

i gathered a small crew and we met up at alameda beach. we talked and laughed and just enjoyed each other's company. it was so beautiful to see the sunset. i haven't really seen one in a while and it was beautiful. i had my polaroid camera, so i took some pictures. everyone had a great time. we then capped off the night by going to la pinata in alameda for dinner. it was so nice to be so relaxed and comfortable, surrounded by framily.

i have realized that taking care of all of me is a lot of work. there are so many different parts to me and i have done a lot of digging and searching and working on myself. today was a day to celebrate the work that i have done, but also to reaffirm that this is a lifelong process and not a quick fix. it was a way for me to take care of myself but also to re-commit myself to the work that i have started doing on myself. the sun really is a life force for all things on earth and it was my way of paying homage to the greater powers in life. i feel honored to have such a great life and such a great community and family to surround me. every moment is a learning experience and i am committed to learning from all of them.

i realized....

my response to stress is to just cry. that's really productive. meh. at least i know how i react to situations. i guess there is that. it is what it is.

furries getting hyphy?

note to self

recommendation
by mirah

Before you left to go away
I wrote down what i couldn't say
I bet you read it on the road
With foggy lights and fingers cool

Now you drove so far but now you know
How rough it is to let me go
And let me recommend that you think twice
And i always give the best advice

Now come on back to where you know i'll be
Lets' go sit under the apple tree
You can floor that thing, let the engine roar
The wheels they'll spin, the rain it pours

And there's regret that you feel
About the choice you've made
You'll just have to deal
Before it goes away
You ask me how i feel
And here's what i'll say that
I'm doing fine, just fine
I'm doing fine

apparently i needed to cry....

so i watched ma vie en rose again.

stick shift

it's really interesting to me that at least 4 people i know right now really want/need to learn how to drive stick shift. something is definitely in the air this year for change and growth and learning. anyways, a friend of mine asked me to teach him to drive stick. so tonight we went out to learn. it was really amazing to me how quickly he picked it up but also i'm impressed with my ability to teach. we drove around the parking lot at big long's and i got him to get into first, second, and reverse. i realized when we started that i only had to teach him the mechanics of driving a stick shift. he already knows how to drive a car, so it was going to be really easy. i didn't really have to think of 'how' i was going to teach him. i just did it. it was awesome. i was even able to laugh at him and i apologized for doing it, but he was like 'no, it's funny. it's supposed to be fun. no stress.' yeah, so the universe and i seemed to be aligned right now. i'm doing what i'm supposed to be doing and things are just falling into place. no stress. just be the process.

photograph

due to being in a time warp yesterday at my friend's house. i had to find this song. i also realized that i'm musically stunted from my childhood. i didn't have a lot of music in my childhood. didn't listen to the radio really, didn't have records or tapes really. on road trips, my dad made up listen to neil diamond, julio iglesias, and peter, paul, and mary. mostly just the one tape of peter, paul and mary. in high school i only listened to two tapes, the black album by metallica and guns & roses....for all 4 years. wow. i am so weird.

why i don't go to the castro

so i met up with some friends who came to visit from l.a. they were in the castro, so we went to the mix. which was fine. a small, chill bar. but then we went to badlands. weird. i think the last time i went to badlands was like 10 years ago and they were playing porn on the monitors. now it's all music videos and really 'modern' looking. i have also not been around so many bio males in a really long time. bio white males to boot. it's interesting to see them really act out their privilege. i know it's a bar/club and it's crowded and all, but really, they just plowed into me and my friends without even noticing. it was fuckin' ridiculous. i hate the castro and tonight i was reminded why i don't go there. we also hit up the cafe for a minute, but it was super dead, so we ended up at the lexington. wow. so many hipster, skinny white girls with bad hair. but it was nice to actually be able to talk to my friends and catch up for a bit. but really, why is there so much space for white folks?!?!? where are all the brown folks? where are the spots with cool, chill, down to earth folks of color? are they all hanging out in oakland at their houses? really. this is ridiculous. but i was glad to catch up with my friends. i've missed them the last few times they came up, so i'm glad i got to see them. all in all it was a good night. i just have to remember to not go to the castro.

food and framily

today was a definitely emotionally releasing for me, what with the crying all day. so this evening i ventured out in the world....on foot. not knowing what i was doing or where i was going. all i knew was that i couldn't be in the house any longer. i started walking around the neighborhood and wandered to my friend's house. i didn't know if she was even going to be home or if she was busy. i just walked over and knocked on the door. as luck would have it, she was home. i couldn't really form sentences. she invited me in and made me some tea, which i have been wanting since i re-read kitchen. i stayed and chatted and she and a friend made dinner and invited me to stay. they made soup, which was great since i feel like after crying i always need soup to replenish the fluids lost. soup is so comforting like being wrapped in a nice afghan blanket while curled up watching tv during a storm.

we eventually started talking about gender but more about the logistics of gender expression. i realized that since i have lost some weight, my chest is becoming more apparent and my curves are coming back. not to say that it's bad, it just makes me a little more cautious out in public. there is definitely a little more concern for myself when i use a public restroom. i don't wanna bind though. i like breathing too much. i am going to finally get the compression shirt though. i've heard it is uncomfortable, but i need to do something. i hate wearing armour to be out in the world, but my safety is more important. i hate that i even have to think about this. but until the world changes their view, i have to do what i have to do.

anyways, the point is that i'm so fortunate to have such great friends that i can just knock on the door randomly and be welcomed in without any questions or having to have a pretense. i love my friends. i love my framily. i love my community. thank you to everyone who has just been there. everyone i have known in my life has been there at the right moment and i just want to thank you all for being in my life.

somewhere over the rainbow

last night i went to a show called mi cuerpo, mi revolucion that was curated by my friend tre. it was an intense night. all the pieces, especially about trans folks really hit me in my gut. i went alone and had a good time. i just was overwhelmed by what folks were saying but also it just hit me really hard personally. it was amazing to see folks be so comfortable being in the middle. i am struggling with that. i am neither man nor woman. i am both. but everyday i feel like i need to choose one or the other. i'm scared i don't have the strength to live as myself. i'm scared of falling back into other people's expectations of me. i have a strong community who loves me as i am, but i walk my own path alone.

i love living in the gray area but some days it's harder than others. today is one of the harder days. i can hardly form thoughts to write right now. i can't stop crying. not really overwhelmed by depression, but just sad that the world sees everything so dichotomously. it leaves no room for the gray area. no room for me. my brothers and sisters and i will make the room. my trans, two-spirited, hijras, genderqueer, genderblending family has been here for all of eternity. we were once revered and seen as healers, but now we are demonized and made this evil other.

i am crying for my fallen brothers and sisters. those who have died, either by their own hand or at the hands of others; those who have been locked up, in jail or the asylum, those who can't live freely as they are. i am fortunate to be able to live my life how i am, but i owe it to those who came before me and for those to come after me.

by Israel Kamakawiwo Ole'

OK this one's for Gabby
Ooooo oooooo ohoohohoo
Ooooo ohooohoo oooohoo
Ooooo ohoohooo oohoooo
Oohooo oohoooho ooooho
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby ii ii iii
Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams really do come true ooh ooooh
Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me ee ee eeh
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops thats where you'll find me oh
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dream that you dare to,why, oh why can't I? i iiii

Well I see trees of green and
Red roses too,
I'll watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

Well I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white
And the brightness of day
I like the dark and I think to myself
What a wonderful world

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people passing by
I see friends shaking hands
Saying, "How do you do?"
They're really saying, I...I love you
I hear babies cry and I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more
Than we'll know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world (w)oohoorld

Someday I'll wish upon a star,
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney top that's where you'll find me
Oh, Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I? I hiii ?

Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo

lost boys

i got to see the lost boys on the big screen. it is the greatest worst movie ever! and i got to see this guy huge on the big screen. totally worth it.

cranky pants

so today i have been so cranky. maybe it's the heat. maybe it's having to pack up my office. maybe it's the hemorrhaging. maybe it's all the above and then some. but i'm committed to not being cranky by this evening. it's actually gotten better throughout the day. i've definitely been the bitchy fashion fag about folks on the street. i bitched about some infant and it's mom because they were both wearing awful hats. i mean, they were really bad. anyways, trying to just finish up in the office for today, so i can get on with my evening.

kiss, kiss.

hero search

today i was talking to a friend and she was talking about going to lunch the other day with yuri kochiyama and how she really enjoys hanging out with elders and learning from them. during their lunch they were talking about queers and specifically some trans issues. and to place some context for yuri, my friend was trying to think of gay activists from back in the day to explain something to yuri and came up with james baldwin and bayard rustin as examples. so today our other friend was asked us who our hero or an elder who we respect and helped us out in some way. and none of us could think of a queer asian out there. it made me sad to realize that. who is a public queer asian activist out there?

the heat is melting my brain

so i just left to walk to the bank to make a deposit. i got all the way to the bank and realized that i forgot to do a deposit slip. so i had to walk back to my office. now i will have to walk to the bank again in the heat! that just means more exercise for me. go team!

give it to me RAW!

for this week:

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Say the following words aloud, please: "Give it
to me raw!" How does it make you feel when you allow that demand to
come out of your mouth? I hope it fills you with a sense of playful power.
If you're in alignment with cosmic influences, "Give it to me raw!" is a
pithy embodiment of your proper relationship with the world. Now try
these corollary statements: "I want the full blast of purity! Don't hold
anything back! Serve me up the maximum dose! I want the elixir of life,
not the hors d'oeuvres! Bless me with the whole truth and nothing but!
I'm in love with the flood, not the trickle!"

and for today:

When it comes to romance today, Connor, you are the one holding all of the cards - most of the good ones, anyway. Take advantage of the good position you are in and don't squander it away senselessly. Play your cards right and you will find yourself sitting in the catbird seat. All your careful planning and consideration of others is starting to pay off in a huge way.

enjoyin' it all

so yeah, life is wacky and stressful and hectic and sad and everything all at once.....but i am really centered and enjoying it all. this is the way life is and always will be. i can only control myself and take care of myself and i'm doing it. it definitely is work at this point, but i know that it will not be at some point. i will grow and become more whole and so things won't stress me out. i will just be. i guess that's the inspiration for my new tattoo that i want. i am taking care of all parts of me and it's definitely a lot, but i'm doing it and doing it well. some things have even become more unconscious. it's amazing. i'm amazing. people are amazing.

one little trick i've started doing is to take at least a minute each day to notice something beautiful and to take it in. even if i'm in the middle of the sidewalk and see a beautiful weed. i stop, crouch down and look.

everything is a process and if you become the process, there is not fighting or suffering. it just is.

the toltec view of love

1. Love has no expectations.
Fear is filled with expectations.
2. Love has no obligations.
Fear is full of obligations. When we act from obligation, our resistance makes us suffer. When we fail to act on our obligations, we feel guilty.
3. Love has respect, not only for others, but also for ourself.
Fear respects nothing, including itself. When I feel sorry for myself, I do not respect myself. When I feel sorry for you, I do not respect you.
4. Love is patient.
Fear is impatient.
5. Love does not pity.
Fear is filled iwth pity, especially self pity.
6. Love is detached.
Fear is filled with attachments and the dread of having to let go.
7. Love is kind.
Fear is too self-involved to be kind.

(excerpt from Beyond Fear: A Toltec Guide to Freedom and Joy)

i love destruction

i love creating things. and recently i've been doing more art and it just feels good. i have a bunch of projects lined up and i'm really excited about all of them. i realized yesterday that i need to make more art where i have to destroy something first. there is something so satisfying about taking something apart and then putting it back together in an entirely different way. i love it. i just don't have a super lot of space for destruction.

shock!

so i've been going to get a massage every week from a friend of mine. it's one of the ways that i have been taking care of myself. it's been an interesting process to really see how connected my physical body is to my emotions. it's interesting to be aware of this connection and i'm working to take care of my body and to deal with my emotions so they don't build up. it's been really good and i've enjoyed it.

well, for the most part when i'm done with my massage, my face feels all tingly and i feel really spacey and out of it. so i usually sit and have some water and chat with my masseuse. well, last week she informs me that basically all those times, she has been putting my body into shock! it didn't even occur to me. i mean, i have never really gotten a lot of massages. (before this, i had only had like 2 professional massages) anyways....yeah, shock. and i had no idea. i just thought it was normal. i mean, i felt really good and just didn't know it was shock. the things you learn by doing......

manhood???

what does it mean to be a man? i am struggling with this. i realized a while back that some behaviors that were ok as a 'woman' are not ok now. perceptions are false. i can't control what others see but i can't live in fear. jokingly punching the shoulder of my female friends now is not seen in the same way. the other day at radio shack i was called ma'am. it kinda threw me. was my shirt too tight? sports bra not tight enough? i don't like binding. i like to breathe. but safety. what is safety? for me, every time i'm in the bathroom i have a moment of 'is my chest showing? what do they see today?' those moments are shorter and fewer, but i still carry them. every month i am reminded by my biology that i am not what people see. but i see it. this contradiction.

balance. it's a fine line.

finally woken

by jem

Finally Woken, Finally Woken

I've been thinking ‘bout things
For a long while
I'm feeling so calm
I've got a big smile
I have a view of the sun
Right over the sea
And now I can feel
Life is flowing through me

You see I've finally woken
From a long sleep
I'm ready to jump
To make that blind leap
Coz I now believe
I have the power in me
I've got the faith baby
I can truly be free

Finally Woken
Finally Woken

Child don't worry it's ok
The sun is out for another day
And I say it'll be alright
[be alright]
Today's the first day of the
rest of your life
Remember, remember,
remember this, remember

Child don't worry it's ok
[I've got a big smile/I feel good]
The sun is out for another day
[someone's shining on me]
And I say it'll be alright
[be alright]
Today's the first day of the
rest of your life
Remember Remember
Remember this Remember

Child don't worry it's ok
The sun is out for another day
Today's the first day of the
rest of your life
And I say it'll be alright
[be alright]
Remember, remember,
remember this, remember

Finally Woken
[I've got a big smile/I feel good]
Finally Woken
[someone's shining on me]
Finally Woken
[I've got a big smile/I feel good]
Finally Woken
[someone's shining on me]
And I say it'll be alright, be alright
And I say it'll be alright, be alright

woozy

so apparently multi-tasking for many hours in a row has made me slightly woozy. i was on the 2 different phones and researching things on the internet and writing an email for a while today. after doing that, i feel spacey and lightheaded. work is bad for you is what i'm learning from this experience. or is that i should not try to do so much at once? who knows. i got shit done today and it's good. so now i can go play tonight and enjoy myself. yay for weekends. and this one is filled with a lot.

process

i'm really internalizing how everything is a process. and for me, i'm just letting it all happen. things are going to go how they are going to go. i have goals and ideas of things i wanna do, but the road to those goals is not going to be what i 'plan'. plans never work out how you want them to. so, i'm letting it happen. i'm just realizing that i don't have control over anything and i'm ok with that. just trying to be in the present. life is good. i feel good.

stepping back is really good sometimes. i have also realized a change in my relating to my parents. as many people know i've had a very strained and anger filled relationship with my parents for the last 15 years or so. and recently i've begun letting go of the anger and resentment i felt towards them. i'm coming to a different place of understanding with them and where they come from. so i've been able to have really nice, non-stressful interactions with them. i have even begun to tell them some things about my life. it's really nice....and freeing.

also, getting a massage every week has helped me to get more in tune with my body. i'm realizing how my body reacts during different times of emotions and stress. i'm trying to learn all the links to all the parts of me. so far it has been a really interesting process. i'm hoping to strengthen myself to be able to handle life differently.

all in all though. i'm really happy with process. love, love, love.

stuffed

awesome!

treehouse bandit

so i've moved into a new place and i love it. i'm now calling it the 'treehouse'. cuz it's the best treehouse in the world. and today i finally got my dsl working. it's been interesting to be disconnected. it was kinda nice. yeah, i had the interweb at work, but apparently right now i have a lot of work to do. what with doing a 1000 piece mailing and coordinating our office move in the midst of working out my own house move while housesitting for a friend. nuts i tell you! nuts! so yeah, i love my new house. i love that there are billions of plants on the staircase. i love that we have a vegetable garden. i love my neighbors. it's great. bessie has her own little house too. yep. process. life is a process.

transfer

Do the Right Thing...Sesame St. Style

i love this.

hogzilla

this is ridiculous and frightening, yet i wonder.....how much bacon would this hog make?

it's been a skid row kinda day....i remember you

today has been a skid row kinda day. yeah, the past is a tricky place to visit. it's amazing how much we live through in our lives and how we keep on going. my life is being turned upside down and inside out. it's cleansing and refreshing. i am moving across town tomorrow and i can't wait to get settled. i have so much to do and i need a home base to do it. i did meet one of my neighbors and he is a fabulous gay persian man who makes solid body versions of traditional indian and persian instruments and makes them electric. i can't wait to get to know him better. so many new and interesting characters get introduced into this movie we call our life.

nostalgia. synchronicity. past. present. future. self. friends. family. framily. love.

18 and life

i heard this on my drive back from la-la and it made me miss my friend who is in hungary. we spent so many summer nights listening to this while driving through the city to the beach, screaming along with it at the top of our lungs. i guess i'm feeling nostalgic.

esthero--that girl

back on the sauce.....

so i have been trying to not drink caffeine recently and i was doing ok. but now i'm back on the sauce. i like coffee. i love how it smells. i love how it tastes. and i love the caffeine. i figure i've stopped drinking it before, so i can stop again later. i just have so much to do. so i need a little boost to get through it. i'm not getting all crazy with it though. just one cup a day. not like back in the day where i would drink like 5 cups a day and not eat. so there is that.

permanent delete

i hate doing stupid shit. and today it was a kinda big one. right at the end of the day too. grr.

so i accidentally permanently deleted a bunch of emails from my outlook and i need them back. of course it was all the new applications for the two jobs that we have open. and of course i haven't printed them out yet. so they are gone. and i don't know how to get them back. argh. i feel so dumb. i couldn't even deal with it anymore today so i left. i'll figure it out tomorrow. hopefully.

i'm just so overwhelmed with life right now. and my body is showing it. my back is a mess and my mind isn't much better. but all in all i'm having a good time with life right now. these things just happen and i'm taking it in stride. i'm not getting hung up about it. it's momentarily frustrating. but everything works out. it always does.

but if anyone knows how to restore permanently deleted emails from outlook....hook a boi up!