a broken promise?

do you ever feel so bad that you want to do something to yourself? i have. and also, i do. it's the only coping mechanism that i know and am comfortable with. why is it that's the only thing i can go back to? it's time to change this habit, but i just don't know how. it starts off innocuous enough. just thinking 'damn i wish i was dead'. but then it slowly creeps further along. next comes an image of my dead body in a variety of ways....laying in a pool of blood on the bathroom floor, slumped over the tub that is filled with bloody water, hanging myself from the stairs, walking out into traffic, driving my car off the road. i don't want to get up from bed. i can't stop crying. becoming immobilized by my sadness. the more sad i am, the further it moves along. next it's holding a knife, exacto, or scissors to my skin; feeling the cool metal against my hot skin. it's comforting. it's a sensation i know. then slowly i slide the flat side of the blade along my skin. that old familiar feeling. waiting for some sort of release from the hold that the sadness has over my entire being. just wanting to feel anything else really. even if it is just cold metal. the slow cutting. even then, i still don't really feel. it only becomes real if i see the outpouring of red blood. to see my insides coming out. to see that i have something inside me. but now i'm in a new phase.....one that i didn't have before. i'm planning. before, i would just cut and cry and cut and cry. but now i want to sell off all my possessions, get rid of all my material goods. write a note. write a will. the words for these notes already forming in my head.

i'm scared. i'm really scared. i promised myself a long time ago that i would not end up in the hospital again. i promised myself to never do this again. but here i am. thinking and planning. this time, it would be for real. i can't fail. it would have to be the end. i just don't care anymore. or is it that i care too much? no.....i'm just a selfish asshole.