changes a-coming.

i am working on changing my state of mind. it's time to be more centered. i have gotten carried awaywith extraneous stresses and situations. i need to take care of myself. i am making a promise to myself to take care of myself. because when i don't my mind wanders to the all too familiar place. it's a dangerous place. and i need to keep myself in check.

i am working towards a new life. a life full of things that i need. i need a new work situation. one that allows me to flourish. one that allows me the space and time i need to create art and video and to learn new things. i need happiness and joy in my heart. i need a place where i belong. i need quality time with meagan. i need to feel freedom in my every waking moment.

what i want

is a job that i can leave at the end of the day. one that allows me the time and energy to do the other things that interest me. one that will also pay all the bills and be enough where i don't have to struggle financially. i would like to be able to spend quality time with meagan instead of freaking out and trying to decompress enough to go to sleep. one that is semi-active. i want a more balanced life. i want to be able to address my personal transition. one that gives me full medical, dental and vision benefits. this is my first vocalizing of this in the universe. i am still refining the intentions and desires i want to put out there, but this is a pretty good representation of what i want and also what i need in my life. i am very unhappy and i would like to change that.

perfectly imperfect?

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): "Hey Rob: I was having trouble finishing my novel -- typical writer's block. So I sidetracked myself into making silly creative projects -- papier-mache chickens, masks made out of junk mail, collages incorporating bottle caps and dryer lint. I can't say any of it is 'art,' but I feel creative again and my house is full of colorful stuff I whipped up myself. If you wait to be perfect, I concluded, you'll never make anything. I tried something I knew I'd be bad at, so failure didn't matter. Now I'm branching out with my inadequacy -- not waiting for Mr. Perfect but having a beer with Joe Flawed, forgetting to be right all the time, admitting that I haven't a clue. I've become smilingly, brilliantly dumb. -Inappropriate Virgo." Dear Inappropriate: Congrats! You're doing exactly what I want to advise all Virgos everywhere to try.

so tired.

tired of work. tired of struggling financially. tired of putting my personal needs on hold. tired of traffic. tired of talking. tired of television. tired of stress. tired of everything.

what should i do?

everything is my fault

i take full responsibility for all my actions. if that means that people leave, then that is the consequence that i need to accept. it's ridiculous to think that i have no part in anything. it's all my fault and that's all there is to it.

5 hours

spent tonight at the hospital and for what? for them to tell there is nothing wrong with my hand.

displacement = success!

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): One of the best modern Turkish poets was Seyfettin Bascillar, who worked as a meat inspector in New Jersey for many years before his death in 2002. Nobel Prize-winning poet Czes_aw Mi_osz lived in Berkeley, California for over four decades while writing his books in Polish, his native tongue. Iceland's great poet of the 20th century, Stephan G. Stephansson, lived in Canada most of his life but always wrote in Icelandic. These people remind me of what you're going through: striving to do what comes natural and authentic in a situation very different from the place where you first learned to be natural and authentic. The interesting fact of the matter is that this feeling of displacement could very well be key to your success.