this gives me some hope

i think this balances out my last post.......

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): One of the most successful managers in baseball history was Casey Stengel. His New York Yankee teams won the world championship seven times. Before the 1953 season, when the Yankees had already won four consecutive World Series, he made the observation that "If we're going to win the pennant, we've got to start thinking we're not as smart as we think we are." I hope some version of those words will come out of your mouth soon, Virgo. As savvy and crafty as you are, you'll have to become even more so in order to pull off the victory that's almost within your grasp.

overwhelmed.

everything is overwhelming. so instead, i am wasting time and uploading photos to flickr. at least, i'm doing something artsy.

swine flu

squirrels and me.

i feel like i'm a terrible boyfriend.....but there is this happening in the world. maybe there is balance.

rock hudson & bea arthur

singing about drugs.

be careful what you wish for....

so i have been feeling like i want time alone. and tonight i have it, but it's not what i want. which makes me think it's what i need. it just doesn't feel good. i just feel so fuckin' anxious. all i want to do is escape myself, but i can't. i can't even seem to get drunk. i guess that's a good thing. i dunno. i want to rip my skin off. slip into a state of unconsciousness so i don't have to feel. geez. i feel like such an angsty teenager. all i want to do is self destruct. why is that my default? fuck. i feel so alone. and helpless. it's this tired old feeling of my youth that i can't seem to escape. no matter how much work i do on myself, i am still this insecure little boy. unsure of anything that i'm doing. feeling like everything i do is wrong. nothing i do is good enough. cool enough. just enough. you know i thought i had learned to deal with change and insecurity. but at my core i am just insecure and lame. i feel like i work so hard, but for what? nothing seems to change. i feel so nihilist. so unworthy.

irrationally....

anxious and jealous. i can't shake this feeling and it's kinda paralyzing. i feel like a total nut job. i can't focus. i am lashing out. i'm totally mad at myself for feeling like this. i feel guilty for having these irrational feelings. they are totally unfounded. but for whatever reason i have been triggered. hard. all i want to do is drink into oblivion. do anything so i don't feel anything. cuz if i don't feel anything, then i can't feel hurt. i am too fuckin' old to feel like this. lame.