crampy

i hate being a boi with cramps. i was going to be out and about today, but now i'm going to be laying down and napping.

i did manage to get out for a bit to see a free performance though. it was cool. they are called strange fruit and they are from australia. it was really amazing and mesmerizing and relaxing and funny and great. but now i'm off to lay down.

it's been a while

so it's been a while since i've posted. not that nothing is happening in my life nor that i have nothing to say. i guess i've been a little busy. moving my office took a lot out of me and i've been trying to figure out what i'm doing with my life since i decided to leave my job a few months ago. but things are getting taken care of. i am now registered for school and i have a new job lined up which i start next week. so all the 'business' parts of my life have been taken care of.

i'm now in new york visiting friends and it's been hot as hell. but not as hot as i thought it was going to be. i spent last weekend in the hamptons with a friend. it was interesting. it kinda stressed me out and at the same time was kinda relaxing. i got to to the beach and hang out with a friend who i haven't seen in a while. so that was good. i came out to my friend a while ago as being trans and this trip, i told her that i have a new name and prefer male pronouns, but she just couldn't get it. she kept calling me my old name, which is fine in the house, but out in public it really stressed me out. being around rich, straight, white folks, i already didn't really feel super comfortable and then she kept calling me by my old name and it just make me really stressed out. i mean, it's fine. i've known her a long time and i know it takes people a while to adjust to a new name and all, but i think she only called me connor like 5 times in the 3 days i was there. needless to say, i was happy to leave to come to the city and be around queers.

now i'm in the city and have had a great time so far. i got to see harry potter and the order of the phoenix last night at midnight. it was really fun. i got to wander around manhatten all day just roaming and walking. it was nice to be anonymous and afloat. didn't have any 'plans' during my day except to go to b&h which was overwhelming and fun. so many toys to play with! anyways, it's cooler today, so maybe i'll be a little less of a sweaty boi, but i kinda doubt it. i'm glad that i am able to be on this trip right now. it's been a much needed break from the bay. i know i'll be excited to go home, but it's nice to get away for a minute to get some perspective on on my life. i can see where i'm doing well in my life and also some areas that need some work. but it's a process....life that is. i'm coming to terms with a lot of my past and being more centered and aware of myself has made the process less traumatic and stressful. not to say that i don't get stressed out or have feelings about life. but i can take things as they come. anyways, all this is to say that i love all my friends and framily and i can even say that i love my family and that i am working for the future and living in the now. everything is as it is and i'm ok with that.

closed

day off

so i know that today was a holiday, but i didn't think about how it was the fourth of july. i had a lot of options for plans, but even though i didn't do what i thought i was going to do today, it was an great day off. got to have coffee with a friend then came home and promptly took a nap. got up to got bbq hopping. it was nice to just hang out with really good people. got to meet some new folks, see some old folks. didn't think at all about what this day 'means'. just got to spend time with my community and framily.

i did spend some time reading some interesting feminist blog this morning called feministing. i dunno how i feel about it yet. but it's interesting. i've been kind of a voracious reader recently. spending hours in the treehouse reading and napping. it's been really nice. i can be alone and lonely and not freak out. i've had really good, strong conversations and connections with people. it's been really awesome.

i've also noticed a drastic change in my relationship with my parents. i'm not feeling guilt when i'm around them. i actually was able to joke with my mom and make her laugh. i haven't heard her laugh in the last 14 years. it's really nice. i realized how much shit i brought into my interactions with my parents and now i'm letting that go and just being in the moment with them. what happened in the past, has happened and there is no changing it. i can't hold onto it forever. the past won't change. i can only be present and work towards a future.

anyways, i feel like i'm being really self-involved on this blog, but i guess that's what it's for right now. it is what it is. so it goes.

true colors

so last night i went to the true colors show.

it was AMAZING! four hours of non-stop awesome-ness. i was so hyper all day in anticipation of the show and it rocked. after the show i was still having a post concert high and couldn't sleep. cyndi lauper is someone that i have wanted to see live and now that i've done it, i can totally die a happy boi now. not to mention that there were so many other awesome people performing too....the cliks, dresden dolls, debbie harry, erasure, margaret cho, and rosie o'donnell.

i had so much fun and i even had a trans-bear hit on me. it was interesting. i didn't know what to say. anyways, it was super gay and super fun!

reminder

new beginnings and new endings happen all the time. it is life.

fergie-ssession

i don't know what's wrong with me. i really like fergie songs. it's so ridiculous. it's embarrassing. but it's true. i don't really know how i feel about the lyrics of this song. it seems hopeful to me that things will work out. i have my ideas about how i want my life to work out, but i'll just have to wait and see how it all plays out.

so here ya go.....

finally
by fergie

MMMMMMMMMM

Ever since I was a baby girl I had a dream
Cinderella theme
Crazy as it seems
Always knew that deep inside that there would come a day
When I would have to way
Make so many mistakes
I could'nt comprehend
As I watched it unfold
This classic story told I left it in the cold
Walking through an open door that led me back to you
Each one unlocking more of the truth

I finally stopped tripping on my youth
I finally got lost inside of you
I finally know that I needed to grow
And finally my maze has been solved

[chorus]
Finally
Now my destiny can begin
Though it will have a different set
Something strange and new is happening
Finally
Now my life doesn't seem so bad
Its the best that I've ever had
Give my love to him finally

MMMMMMMM

I remember the beggining you already knew
I acted like a fool
Just trying to be cool
Fronting like it didn't matter
I just ran away
On another face
Was lost in my own space
Found what its like to hurt selfishly
Scared to give of me
Afraid to just believe
I was in a jealous, insecure, pathetic place
Stumbled through the nets that I have made

Finally got out of my own way
I've Finally started living for today
I finally know that I needed to grow
And finally know that

[chorus]
Finally
Now my destiny can begin
Though we will have a different set
Something strange and new is happening
Finally
Now my life doesn't seem so bad
Its the best that I've ever had
Gave my love to him Finally

MMMMMMMM

Finally, Finally

Finally
Now my destiny can begin
Though it will have a different set
Something beautiful is happening, happening
Finally
Now my life doesn't seem so bad
Give my love to him finally

Ohhhhhhh, Finally, Finally, finally