money flows

so this week, all my money is gone. it was nice to have a little bit of savings for my period of transition but now it's all gone. it goes so fast. i mean, i already put a shitload of money into my car this week to get it all fixed up for this drive to la-la land and then today, when i should already be on the road, i find that someone fuckin' smashed in a window. so now i'm waiting for the mobile glass guy to come by and fix my window. and that's a few more hundred dollars i don't have.

it's also interesting to note that this was my horoscope for today:
Money matters may be very much on your mind today, Connor. There may be a purchase you've been dying to make, perhaps involving art, beauty, or clothing, but you might have some doubt as to whether your financial condition can support such a move at this time. Be sure that you examine the situation carefully and don't jump to conclusions. You might be a bit more flush than you think.

i'm taking this horoscope to mean that i have more money than i think, but i've looked at my bank account and i'm not flush. who knows. the day is still young. i may get to la-la and find a shitload of money. so it goes.

ass kicking

so this week has really kicked my ass. i can't sleep at night, but can't stay awake during the day. i feel like i've been on drugs all week and it's not the kind that i like. anyways, i'm glad that this week is coming to a close and i can escape for a weekend adventure in la-la land. i have no idea where i'm gonna stay and i have no idea what i'm gonna do, but hey...i'm going. that's what's important. i want to sleep on the beach one night. and hopefully i can meet up with some friends. we'll see. i think it may be a lot of time spent alone on the beach. it'll be good for me though. since this summer is gonna be really intense, i'm gonna have to play just as intensely to balance it out. yay for summer. i just wish it could be a summer like when i was a kid. no responsibilities, no work....just playing and hanging out without a care in the world. one can dream. but i'm gonna make it my reality.

let go

so i am in a state of limbo. i just need to get used to it. it's hard to let go of a future that you had been working for and planning on. but then again. nothing stays the same. everything changes and you have to just roll with it. that's life i guess. transitions are hard for me, but i am getting more ok with them. i just have to be patient and open. everything happens how it's supposed to happen. i can't force my will onto any situation. the situation is what it is. and things are what they are. that is the way life is.

anyways, it just goes to show that i am letting go of fear. slowly but surely. pushing myself to do things i wouldn't 'normally' do. the only reason i don't do things is out of fear. and that's not really a reason. whatever i 'think' is going to happen has held me back in the past and now i'm trying to not think so much and trying to act more. being conscious of fear is one thing. letting it go is another. but only i can push myself to do let go.

speaking of letting go. i have a friend who has a tattoo that says 'let go' on her wrist and when she got it, i remember making fun of her for it. but now, i understand. so i kinda have to eat my words. but that's how it goes. live and learn.

nervous

so i just re-realized that girls make me nervous and scared. i turn into a red-faced, smiling baffoon....and then i run away. hot. real hot.

lipgloss be poppin'

this is why i love femmes!

who i was

i will never be who i was.

home

what does home mean? where is home? is it where you grew up? is it where you live now? what about nomads? i think home is wherever you are. wherever your heart is. home is where you love. so anywhere can be home as long as love is there. i guess what i'm saying is that finding home is finding love within you.