be gentle

for months now, maybe even years, i have been losing myself.  i have gotten lost in my work and stress.  i have not had a life.  i want a life.  i want to enjoy all my time.  i want a job that i can leave at the end of the day and not take home with me.  i want to travel.  i want to make enough money to support my family.  i want to connect with friends.  i want to enjoy the time that i have.  i want to take better care of myself, physically, mentally, spiritually.  my goal is that in a year (at the latest), i will be more aligned and happy.

shifting your mind

how do you change your mind? my coping skills for dealing with stress is limited.  i keep coming back to the same way of thinking and it's the circular vortex of insanity i had when i was 18.  you would think that 20 years later, i would have learned something new.  but it seems that i haven't.

pity party

it's been really hard recently.  i can't seem to do anything right and i doubt everything.  i over think and over do, but am not intentional and so i keep fucking up.  i feel like i am running around trying to put out fires with a glass of water.  and in the end just end up burning myself.

i need to start with me, but somehow i have gotten lost along the way.  i hope i can find my way back.

A Few Words on the Soul--Wisława Szymborska

We have a soul at times.
No one’s got it non-stop,
for keeps.

Day after day,
year after year
may pass without it.

Sometimes
it will settle for awhile
only in childhood’s fears and raptures.
Sometimes only in astonishment
that we are old.

It rarely lends a hand
in uphill tasks,
like moving furniture,
or lifting luggage,
or going miles in shoes that pinch.

It usually steps out
whenever meat needs chopping
or forms have to be filled.

For every thousand conversations
it participates in one,
if even that,
since it prefers silence.

Just when our body goes from ache to pain,
it slips off-duty.

It’s picky:
it doesn’t like seeing us in crowds,
our hustling for a dubious advantage
and creaky machinations make it sick.

Joy and sorrow
aren’t two different feelings for it.
It attends us
only when the two are joined.

We can count on it
when we’re sure of nothing
and curious about everything.

Among the material objects
it favors clocks with pendulums
and mirrors, which keep on working
even when no one is looking.

It won’t say where it comes from
or when it’s taking off again,
though it’s clearly expecting such questions.

We need it
but apparently
it needs us
for some reason too.

shit storm

when one things falls, apparently everything else goes down with it.  i feel like i am in some wormhole where everything shitty that can happen is happening right now.  first of all, this started with me recognizing that i need some time off work so i took a few days off this week and planned a longer trip in may.  once i took those steps to take care of myself apparently it set off an avalanche of shit.

first i find out my grandma dies.  with that apparently my uncles are being complete jerks to my mom and it's all just so messed up.  and now all these things are piling up at work and i don't know how to deal with them.  i feel like i am responding to things and all my responses are wrong.  i know feelings are irrational, but it just feels like right now no matter what i do, it's just not right or good enough.

hopefully this shit storm is a short one.

ending a beginning

as 2012 winds down, i feel like i have the space to breath and reflect.  this year has definitely tested me in so many ways.  i have had to grow in my leadership at work, tested my balancing of life/work, my relationship has grown stronger through struggle, and i have lived as myself.  it has definitely been one for the books.

my love of myself and for my family, both blood and chosen, has grown leaps and bounds.  standing up for myself and asserting myself has been difficult, stressful and fulfilling.  as i close out this year, i have come out to my parents as trans, proposed to the love of my life, and feel love for myself.  what more could i ask for?

looking forward, i want to continue along my path and along the way have grand adventures.  this next year will be a traveling year.  i want to leave the country at least once for a nice vacation.  i want to get back to doing more artsy things.  i want to have grand adventures in the kitchen.  i want to keep looking forward and looking back only if it serves my moving forward to building a family, buying a home, and having a wonderful life.  here's to 2013 and all the wonder it will bring.

anxious

so anxious and I don't know what to do.  can't eat. can't sleep.  sucks.