uncomfortable movie

tonight, i watched old boy for the first time. holy fuck. that movie is so wrong. i mean it was a really good movie, but it's totally fucked up. i can't even explain it without giving away the whole movie. all i can say is watch something totally mindless afterwards, like care bears or teletubbies or the smurfs.....

insomnia?

so yeah, my sleep patterns are all sorts of outta wack. i have been staying up really late and then being sleepy all day. it's weird. usually, i knock out fairly early, but these days, i'm up until the wee hours of the morning. not doing anything, just fucking around.

i guess i have been mulling over what i am doing with my life right now. i have officially decided to not go back to school right now. i realized that i really like auto mechanics and i had fun doing it, but i don't know if i love it. i can't really seem to commit to anything.

my jobs are ok. but they are not necessarily what i really want to do. i don't know what i want to do. that is the dilemma right now. or rather...again. there is some stuff happening at one of my jobs, but i am not ready to talk about it right now since, it's still in the talking stage and nothing is set yet. i'll have to wait and see what happens with that.

i'm really happy with my girlfriend. we get along so well and have so much fun. even if we disagree, we are still good. i never feel like it's a make it or break it situation. we can hang out and have fun and if we do argue, it's still really good. it's kinda scary. i dunno how to explain it. i guess it's weird because i'm 32 and this is the healthiest relationship i have ever been in. and that's what makes it weird. the fact that it is healthy.

i dunno. i need to see my friends more often and i definitely need to see my family more often. i just work so much and when i'm not working, i just want to be at my house. but that will work itself out soon. i did get to see a friend on saturday night who i haven't seen in a while. i need to call my friend in nyc back and chat with her. it's been ages since we have had an actual conversation.

i definitely feel optimistic about life and the world in general, although it is weird that bernie mac died on saturday and isaac hayes died on sunday. why are all the black men dying?

yeah, so this is rambling and probably doesn't make a lot of sense. but in a nutshell, that is what is happening these days. i think i need to do an art project soon so i can keep myself in balance.

it's weird in there

the next few dreams i've had are weird too. the gross one is that i went out to eat with a friend and she ordered something that had like this cake-y thing on top but underneath it was a dead little puppy. the puppy was a weird blue color. it was really gross. the image has been burned into my mind for the last few days and i can't seem to get rid of it.

last night's dream a was a lot less intense. i was flying around with a box around my feet and i was trying to get back to this kitchen so i could make lemon bars. also, i kept flying around a college campus trying to get to this little shop to make my lemon bars.

i dunno what's going on in my little head recently. it's weird in there.

demolition?

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Could you get access to a crane with a wrecking ball? How about a chainsaw or sledgehammer? Metaphorically speaking, you may need some heavy equipment to do all the demolition work that's necessary right now. Among the structures that could be due for destruction: a mental block you've been preserving out of perverse nostalgia; a prison cell you lock yourself inside on your off days; a half-built bridge you're no longer interested in or capable of completing; a pedestal on which your fallen idol used to stand; and a door you nailed shut in order to seal yourself off from a person with whom you still have unfinished business.

hopefully i have the strength to smash!

weird dreams

i had a dream last night that i was going to find this guy who lived in a basement. the basement was in a movie theater and he apparently was covered in mold. i don't know why i was looking for him, but i was. i woke up from this dream confused and went back to sleep. next i dreamed i was in new york city with my friend shoshanna. we were discussing exercising in new york and how you have to go to a gym to do it. all the while, i'm holding a very tiny baby in my arms and we are in line at mcdonald's trying to get some food. but for some reason the line at mcdonald's was in the kitchen. i woke up from this dream also very confused.

needless to say, i think i need some real rest.

i don't know what i'm doing

with my life. i have no idea what i love doing. i know some things that i like doing. argh.

not so pure

so i don't really think the month of purity is an accurate description. it's been more of a month of consciousness. i've just been more conscious of what i've been eating and how much and also how much i have been smoking and drinking. i guess it's a re-learning of moderation. it's been good. i feel better and that's what's important.