smash

it is so satisfying to do some physical labor. yesterday i got to rip apart a kitchen and it was so much fun. everything got done and i was covered in sweat and dust and i felt so accomplished. i now have these small battle scars from conquering the kitchen. it makes me smile. i love productive destruction.

also, i ended up getting a free meal and drinks last night after coming back from deconstructing. it was an extra bonus for some of the hustling that i have been doing. i know a little while ago, i felt like all my hustling of contract work didn't seem like it was paying off in any way, since i was still broke, but now, things are kinda looking clearer. i'm still broke, but it's ok. i not only got paid for my work, but i also got a free meal and drinks and some quality time with folks. i guess that is more important to me anyways. money comes and goes, but quality time with good people is worth so much more than that.

drifty

so i'm still feeling rather uncomfortable these days, but there is now a sense of calm around it. i don't feel anxious about it. i guess, i'm just becoming one with being uncomfortable. which is a good lesson for me.

as for other things, i got to see my parents this week, which was really nice. i've been enjoying spending time with them. i don't have this weird sense of dread or animosity when i see them now. i've heard my mom laugh again, which is really nice. it's been a long time.

and this sunday, i get to go to sacramento and break shit. i get so excited to do something that is productively destructive. i love it. nothing like doing a few hours of hard labor to make you feel good.

uncomfortable

i have been feeling a bit weird and uncomfortable recently. i don't know quite what it is yet. it may be some anxiety about all the changes that are gonna happen in my life in the next few months. it may be that i'm broke. it may be that i never sleep. most likely it is a combination of everything. i feel like i don't have enough time for everything in my life. and what i have been doing is just going to school and working. i don't really have a life. summer will be better. i think i may just have to work and not go to school. i really want to take this class though.....i just don't think i can take the same hectic schedule i have now. argh. why aren't there more hours in the day? oh well. i'll figure it out. everything always works out the way it's supposed to. i just gotta remember that.

next steps

so i need to make some more changes in my life. and it's been muddling around in my brain for a while now, so i decided to make a list to get it out. i also apparently need to remind myself of fun stuff that i like to do to keep me sane.

find a new job in the auto industry
decide about summer school
find a new house
go on more adventures
learn how to ride a motorcycle
possibly sell bessie
get a truck
get a motorcycle
go to la la land
beach days
lake days
bbq
relax
read
sleep
day trips out of the city
try to nyc this year

much needed break

so i had such a great weekend off. it's hard to go back to my rigorous schedule tomorrow, but i feel renewed. after the great housewarming party, i went out to a few bars with my girl and her friends. we had a great night out and today i got to go up to petaluma to visit one of my favorites. it was so good to see her and how she is doing. i haven't seen her since last october or november. she has been m.i.a. and i was worried, but she seems to be holding it all together. we spent the afternoon hanging out in petaluma, having lunch, watering her garden, getting coffee, and chillin' at a coffee shop. i got sent home with a back full of fresh veggies that i used to make a killer salad. and tonight i made my first beef roast. it was encrusted with garlic infused oil and bread crumbs. i don't have a roasting pan, so i made do by roasting it on top of potatoes that i seasoned with oil, salt, pepper, fresh rosemary and fresh oregano. the roast turned out juicy and tender and the potatoes were perfect. we had a dessert of fresh strawberries. it was delicious and i'm pretty proud of my first roast. all in all, it was great weekend and now i feel like i can finish out the semester and figure out my life.

weekend off

this is the first weekend off i've had in a long time. i totally needed it. as is evidenced by my last few posts. i have done nothing really today except get a little tipsy, do my laundry and watch anthony bourdain on youtube. i really want korean food right now. for some reason watching kimchee get made really turned me on. now i'm going to a party and bringing bacon wrapped hot dogs. what more could you want for a saturday?

yep. maxed. out.

so i feel like i'm on the verge of having a meltdown. i have made too many commitments and have no time for myself. and when i do get a moment to myself, my mind is racing and it's not really relaxing. or rather i have this nagging feeling that i should be doing something and i have no idea what it is. anyways, suffice it to say, i've been stuck in my head and i can't get out. i have also been having some crazy ass dreams, so my sleep isn't even restful. i wake up more tired than when i went to bed. maybe it's time to get serious and get to exercising. i need some endorphins. it's either that or start smokin' dope again. and we all know how that goes.......