somewhere over the rainbow

last night i went to a show called mi cuerpo, mi revolucion that was curated by my friend tre. it was an intense night. all the pieces, especially about trans folks really hit me in my gut. i went alone and had a good time. i just was overwhelmed by what folks were saying but also it just hit me really hard personally. it was amazing to see folks be so comfortable being in the middle. i am struggling with that. i am neither man nor woman. i am both. but everyday i feel like i need to choose one or the other. i'm scared i don't have the strength to live as myself. i'm scared of falling back into other people's expectations of me. i have a strong community who loves me as i am, but i walk my own path alone.

i love living in the gray area but some days it's harder than others. today is one of the harder days. i can hardly form thoughts to write right now. i can't stop crying. not really overwhelmed by depression, but just sad that the world sees everything so dichotomously. it leaves no room for the gray area. no room for me. my brothers and sisters and i will make the room. my trans, two-spirited, hijras, genderqueer, genderblending family has been here for all of eternity. we were once revered and seen as healers, but now we are demonized and made this evil other.

i am crying for my fallen brothers and sisters. those who have died, either by their own hand or at the hands of others; those who have been locked up, in jail or the asylum, those who can't live freely as they are. i am fortunate to be able to live my life how i am, but i owe it to those who came before me and for those to come after me.

by Israel Kamakawiwo Ole'

OK this one's for Gabby
Ooooo oooooo ohoohohoo
Ooooo ohooohoo oooohoo
Ooooo ohoohooo oohoooo
Oohooo oohoooho ooooho
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby ii ii iii
Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams really do come true ooh ooooh
Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me ee ee eeh
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops thats where you'll find me oh
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dream that you dare to,why, oh why can't I? i iiii

Well I see trees of green and
Red roses too,
I'll watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

Well I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white
And the brightness of day
I like the dark and I think to myself
What a wonderful world

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people passing by
I see friends shaking hands
Saying, "How do you do?"
They're really saying, I...I love you
I hear babies cry and I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more
Than we'll know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world (w)oohoorld

Someday I'll wish upon a star,
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney top that's where you'll find me
Oh, Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I? I hiii ?

Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo