so it's interesting for me to be learning how to take responsibility for my actions and words and not take the blame. as a chinese-american i grew up in a house of guilt and shame. so basically learning to take the blame for every blessed thing that happens either in the house and/or in the world.
it's a fine line for me to learn to take responsibility. it's hard and it sucks. but taking the blame is also hard and sucks. but for me taking the blame can lead to really unhealthy and harmful thoughts/feelings/actions. i get down on myself for everything about me. it spirals out of control and then i end up where i was a few weeks ago, hanging on by a thread.
i can apologize for my actions but i can't take them back. i guess, i'm really having to learn to just be responsible and intentional before i act or speak. that way i won't have to feel like i have to 'undo' the past, which can't be undone. it is what it is. i can't change the past. i can just be more present and hope for a future.
impulse control. it's hard. but i'm trying. all i can be is where i'm at. i can't wish myself into the future. i can't wish myself to be a different person. i can just go along my way and work towards being a different kind of person and just accept that i am where i am. and i guess hope that people can just see that i am where i am and i am who i am in this moment and not hold it against me. i also need to just see that for myself and be ok with it.
i can change and i am changing. i just need to be patient with myself and everyone else.
ok...this post is getting a bit rambly and it's getting to be 2 am again...so i'll just end with my favorite line from slaughterhouse 5. so it goes....
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