happy mother's day

so i just wanted to say happy mother's day to all the mother's out there, past, present and future. hope everyone had a fun, loving day.

i had lunch with my mom today and it was actually a nice meal and time. of course there was the usual stupid shit, but i didn't let it get to me. the more important thing was that i actually opened up to my mom for the first time in like 15 years and told her how i was feeling. it was nice. it was scary. it was good. she responded beautifully and was full of love and care. and when i left she gave me a real hug. not the usual one handed, slight pat on the back hug. but a full embrace which made me cry. it touched my heart. and i realized i really do love my mom and all that she has put up with from me. she still loves me and i still love her. through all the pain i may be feeling in this moment, i still feel love.

also, while i was at my parents' house, i looked through a bunch of baby pictures of myself. i generally can't remember a lot of my childhood, so i wanted to see some pictures of it. as a reminder to myself of a time when i was not so hurting. to be able to remember a time of innocence and wonder at the world. and i realized that in the pictures of me as an infant, there are a lot of pictures of me smiling and laughing and being free and starting after that, there are a lot of pictures of me looking pissed off or disinterested or sad. but one series of pictures i found reminded me of how i am. so i had a bunch of stuffed animals when i was young and every night i had to feed them before i could go to sleep. i would take a little cup and a plastic spoon and feed all my animals before i went to sleep. it made me realize that i have always taken care of things/people. but only in the tangible sense. meaning, i could feed them or have a home for them, or bandage them up. it still holds true today. and it's not a bad thing. it's how i am. i can fix your computer, make you some dinner, or give you a place to stay. i can also give love.