bodywork

so recently i have begun getting massages. initially i was thinking well, it'll help get out the kinks in my body that have been around for a long time. i know my body well enough to know where i carry my stress and which areas are kinda weak and stuff. so at least that is a start. anyways, today my masseuse and i were talking and a lot of interesting things came up that made me think.

let me just say that after my first massage, i was in so much pain and my head was so fuzzy and for like 4 hours afterwards, i couldn't stop crying. that was a fucking intense day. anyways, apparently now i'm actually able to feel the tension. and it doesn't hurt to get massaged anymore. my head is way less fuzzy when i'm done and i feel so much clearer. well, today, some interesting questions/thoughts were posed to me. one was 'when was a time when you felt 'big'?' i had a hard time answering that. i realized that for most of my life i have done what was 'expected' of me. i did what other people wanted and what other people thought i should do. the only time, i could think of that i didn't do that was when i finished college. but even now, it's kind of a mixed thought. because, yes, i wanted to finish college, so i pushed myself to do it. but there was still a part of me that did it for my parents. i did it out of anger. i mean, i liked what i studied and i got my degree and stuff, but i did it as a 'fuck you' to berkeley for kicking me out in the first place. i guess that's why i'm having such a hard time with my decision to go back to school now. it's something i want to do for me and it freaks me out. so much doubt. not enough to stop me from doing it. but i'm a little afraid.

the other thought was about my body. apparently my masseuse is using way more pressure on me and it doesn't hurt. i mean, it does hurt in places, but i don't feel bruised like after the first time. i guess, i am letting go of the stress and tension in my life and being more centered in my body. i'm realizing that sometimes the only way to get rid of stress is to do something physical. i went on a long ass walk this saturday and it felt good. i walked from my house at 35th avenue in east oakland to 60th and telegraph in north oakland. i just had to do something i don't normally do, so instead of getting in my car. i just started walking and walking. i had no direction really. i just had to walk. my friends are saying that i'm like forest gump. anyways, i had some interesting interactions along the way. i helped a lady take the seats out of her mini-van so she could go get beds for some foster kids she was getting. that made me feel good. she really appreciated it and even said 'it's rare in this day and age that people listen to you'. that was near the beginning of my walk. and then somewhere along telegraph, i passed by a group of 4-5 teenage girls and as i passed them i heard 'oooh, he's hella cute!' and then giggles. it made me smile and laugh inside. i mean, i was sweaty and had been crying for the past 24 hours, so i definitely did not feel cute. i was just out walking. anyways, it was a pleasant surprise and totally random.

so yeah, my goal is to try to do things i don't normally do and put myself into as many uncomfortable social situations as possible. maybe i'm trying to re-capture the spontaneity and randomness of my past. maybe i'm growing. maybe i'm being ok with the unknown. for whatever reasons it may be. i'm doing it.