so apparently the night is when i feel the most 'alive' or rather manic. i may be exhausted all day and dragging through in my unfocused haze, but once night hits, i'm up. i mean, like 2 hours ago, i was falling asleep, but now i'm up and about. err....up and at the computer....i know i should go to sleep or do stuff to unwind, but i think that this mania is a way for me to decompress. it's an exhausting cycle, but i'm ok with it for now. it is what it is. i'm trying to make the most of the mania....researching things on the interweb, doing weird rituals, reading, drawing, painting, stenciling, pacing, you know whatever i want to do in whatever way i want to do it and for however long. i can be unfocused and ADD about everything. it's a time to be free. i rather enjoy it.
another thing that i have been trying to do is to put myself into as many uncomfortable and awkward social situations as possible. even if i have preconceived notions or judgments about the people or activities that may be happening, i'm trying to not let that cloud my experience. i'm also trying to not let whatever fear that may bring up in me to hold me back from at least trying. it's been interesting. i'm just trying to be more conscious about myself and what i do and how i am in the world. i'm seeing that everything is a learning experience and i'm trying to learn from each experience as it's happening, so i don't have a backlog of experiences to wade through. so it goes. it is what it is.
oh yeah, in addition, i want to remind myself that i am doing all these things for myself, but the true test will be to be able to maintain this while in a relationship. the true test for myself will be to see if i can maintain myself and my own growth while being with someone and creating a new life with them. to leave space for myself and to continue to do the things i am passionate about without losing my head by 'being in love'. they are not mutually exclusive ideas. i think they go hand in hand. we'll see.
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