be careful what you wish for....

so i have been feeling like i want time alone. and tonight i have it, but it's not what i want. which makes me think it's what i need. it just doesn't feel good. i just feel so fuckin' anxious. all i want to do is escape myself, but i can't. i can't even seem to get drunk. i guess that's a good thing. i dunno. i want to rip my skin off. slip into a state of unconsciousness so i don't have to feel. geez. i feel like such an angsty teenager. all i want to do is self destruct. why is that my default? fuck. i feel so alone. and helpless. it's this tired old feeling of my youth that i can't seem to escape. no matter how much work i do on myself, i am still this insecure little boy. unsure of anything that i'm doing. feeling like everything i do is wrong. nothing i do is good enough. cool enough. just enough. you know i thought i had learned to deal with change and insecurity. but at my core i am just insecure and lame. i feel like i work so hard, but for what? nothing seems to change. i feel so nihilist. so unworthy.