i don't know what i'm doing

with my life. i have no idea what i love doing. i know some things that i like doing. argh.

not so pure

so i don't really think the month of purity is an accurate description. it's been more of a month of consciousness. i've just been more conscious of what i've been eating and how much and also how much i have been smoking and drinking. i guess it's a re-learning of moderation. it's been good. i feel better and that's what's important.

month of purity

so i have decided to go on a minor cleanse. i am not going to be drinking for the next month and i am cutting back my smoking to 5 cigarettes a day. the drinking isn't too much of a problem, but of course since i can't have it, i really want to drink a beer. and the cigarette thing is ok. i just have to be strategic about smoking my 5 a day. eventually, i do want to quit entirely, but cutting back to 5 a day is a good start. i have also cut out fast food again. it's not like i was eating it every day, but i think that it was getting a little bit out of control. of course since i can't have these things, that's all i want. but it's only day 2, so of course it's a bit hard. but it's good and i can totally do this.

anti-gay weekend

well, it's pride weekend. and again, i've decided to not do anything. i've been feeling really anti-social recently. i dunno. pride weekend seems like some sort of free pass to drink heavily and act stupid. i dunno. it makes it so acceptable that the "pride parade" is sponsored by budweiser and the like. so all the alterna-queers go to the dyke march or the trans march which is supposedly more political. but honestly, i think it's just more of the same. the dyke march and the trans march may not be sponsored by any major alcohol corporations, but it may as well be. the same shit happens there too. i dunno. i guess i've been wrestling with my identiy again recently. i don't know where i fit in. i feel so unsettled and uncomfortable. i don't know what i want right now, i guess. this post is kind of rambly and all over the place and i guess that is how i feel in general right now. not that anything is particularly 'wrong'. i just feel uncomfortable. i guess i will just try to settle into that feeling and be ok with it.

what what

roasting it up

i am making a pork roast tonight. it's the second roast that i am attempting to make. the first one was beef and covered in a garlicky breadcrumb crust. this one has an herb paste covering it. once again i am roasting it on top of potatoes and onions since i don't have a roasting pan. the first one was delicious. let's hope that this one is just as tasty. my next conquest will be to make a roast on a grill. now all i need is a grill.....

i was on the big screen

so three years ago, i was in a film for a friend of mine. she promised that it was going to be shown in a film festival in san francisco, but it never happened. i kinda forgot that i was in that film till just a few weeks ago, when said friend emailed and said the film was going to be shown! so, last sunday, i trekked to the city and lo and behold a younger, chubbier version of me was huge on a screen! i dunno, it was kinda exciting, but at the same time, i was blushing so hard in the dark theater when i was on the screen. it's weird. anyways, the crowd seemed to enjoy it and thank god, i didn't have to talk in any of it. it was super cute and ended up like and old silent film with the dialogue inserted as stills. anyways, i'm gonna get a copy of it so i can show all my kids and grandkids my movie debut....