my biggest fear....

is not being seen. i am very insecure about being invisible. so i overachieve, but in ways that are really behind the scenes. it's very passive aggressive, but also very asian. growing up in a family of unspoken and understood guilt is a hard cycle to break out of. fuck. i'm almost 35 and still worry about what my parents think. lame. you would think by now i would have outgrown that seeing as how i had a drug history that my parents now know about. being queer. fuck. now all i need to do is come out as trans. i hate how my fear of being invisible taints all my interactions. take tonight for instance, this white gay boy came up to me and was talking to me about christina aguilera, and was probably hitting on me (in front of my girlfriend) and all i could think about was that he didn't see me. i could have been any gay boy. it didn't matter. i want to matter. i want to be seen. wtf. hopefully i will resolve this soon....