blasted hope

so, now it's actually going to be a personal, kinda self indulgent post. no song lyrics or youtube videos in this post. woot!

when someone dies, you know that they are gone and you just have to deal with yourself and grieve and mourn and eventually move towards acceptance of your loss. but with relationships it's an entirely different beast. i mean, you still have to go through a mourning/grieving process and move towards acceptance, but when you are the one who is left, you are also left holding onto this blasted thing called hope. when a relationship ends, the person is still alive, so there is still a 'possibility' of a future. you are left holding onto the remnants of your relationship and generally, it just sucks. each interaction subsequent to the break-up is heartbreaking. it still holds an emotional link to your former partner and sends you into turmoil, but that is my own issue and i need to deal with it.

not to say that it's easy to leave someone either. i mean, you will have to deal with the consequences of your actions no matter what you do. it's up to you how you live your life. i am working towards living a really intentional and conscious life, but it's hard when you come from a background of denial, self-hate, self-destruction and repression. as someone who has tried in a variety of different way to run away, it's hard to realize that changing the outside, still leaves you to deal with yourself. you can't run away from yourself. try as hard as you can, but at the end of day you are still with yourself and can't escape that.

also what i've realized is that it is a very fine line between taking responsibility and taking blame. i have found that taking responsibility means looking at your actions and putting them in front of your face and seeing them as things that you did well, things that you need to work on, and things that you still need to learn. but taking blame is taking all those things and turning them inward and for me that ends in really self-destructive and self-hateful behavior. i can see that in myself, but i am also gaining the strength and tools to not do something 'stupid' to myself. trying to be positive and pro-active takes a lot of energy, but it replenishes you. being negative and self-hating also takes a lot of energy, but it depletes you. it's time to let go of the negative and bring on the positive.

to unlearn all that you have learned to begin anew fuckin' sucks. it's good, but it sucks. at the same time, everyone is fucked up in some way and has issues, but that doesn't mean that you can't love or be loved. i guess it's about learning to live with yourself first and then finding someone who can live with themselves and their issues and also with you and your issues. it also helps to be in therapy. to get an objective view of yourself is great. i'm holding onto several little gems that my therapist has told me in the last few weeks and that is helping to sustain myself. so there is that....